My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighborhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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My mum is terrified of rodents. The other day she saw a mouse and immediately pulled a knife on it.

"Mum!!! You're going to get us kicked out of Disney world. "

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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When I caught my neighbor attaching a rocket engine to a deer, I immediately reported him to the authorities.

Shame on him for trying to make a quick buck.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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While people are talking about the presidential election, I don't talk immediately, because...

I'm Biden my time, until I can play my Trump card.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawsonju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.

The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
When the Mrs. could tell I was in the mood, she immediately let me know that tonight wasn’t going to happen.

She said: β€œNot tonight. Period.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brian_Cirgury
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Why did the pirate get in his ship and leave immediately when he got a phone call?

Because booty calls

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/actualcovfefebean
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
a llama walked up to a mirror and immediately started ejecting saliva all over the place

it was his spitting image

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prashantuprety8
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winklesnad31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Why did the safety manager insist that a big pile of LSD be removed immediately from the factory floor?

He felt it was a real tripping hazard.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.

But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...

She was waving an illegal fire arm.

πŸ‘︎ 580
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaidendeck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A real life dad joke.

My wife was dishing out food. She put some salad on a plate and handed it to my daughter.

Then my wife looked at me and said, "Cesar Salad?"

I immediately grabbed my daughter's plate and pulled it out of her hands. My daughter got confused (maybe wondering if she did something wrong?). My wife asks me, "What the hell are you doing???"

I responded, "Sorry. Could have sworn you just said seize her salad."

πŸ‘︎ 417
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamundan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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I got hit by a pool ball immediately after entering the bar...

Bad break.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Wile E. Coyote never immediately fell off the cliff because he didn’t understand the gravity of his situation.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMyFaultImMoody
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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A mushroom walked into a bar

A mushroom walked into a bar. The bartender immediately kicked him out. The mushroom responded with c’mon I’m a fungi

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeyThereLinus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I forgot that I had stashed a small rounded bread from dinner in my back pocket when I sat down at the roulette table... I immediately started winning!

I was on a roll!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend and I went to a basketball game dressed like dancing chickens, and got immediately escorted out of the arena.

Because two flagrant fowls means an automatic ejection.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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Heroine

I walked into a substance abuse clinic for my second meeting yesterday. The doctor knew I had a severe crush on women super heros...today he told me the news.

"Sir I'm afraid it's dire, you need to be checked in immediately for your heroine addiction"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flameman1995
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A__Wild__Goose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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My son came up to me the other day asking for the biggest newest iPhone because all his friends had one. I turned to my wife and immediately told her I got my blood test results back I got done earlier in the week.

I turn back to my son and say β€œit turns out, I’m not made of money”.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mawbster
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll

Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Use2HandsPlease
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
If you hear something, say something

I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.

This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.

Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.

So I said to the French girl, Β«quelque choseΒ». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"

I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.

A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. Β«quelque choseΒ» is the French phrase for "something".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mermaldad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Years ago, I was sent to a large stable to fetch the horse belonging to The Artist Formerly Known As Prince. I immediately knew which one it was...

It had a purple rein.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.

I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.

β€œExcuse me,” I said, β€œI couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”

They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, β€œIt’s Wales!”

β€œNo offense intended,” I replied. β€œPlease allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoonerw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend says I'm ready to be a Dad

I was watching TV with my hispanic girlfriend and on the show we were watching a guy gave a girl a danish (little pastry with fruit). My girlfriend said that while it looked pretty tasty and good, she's not much of a Danish person and I said, "Well, probably because you're hispanic.."

I immediately texted my dad the joke as well.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gerbil2013
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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You know how when you put your ear on a hard surface, everything is super loud? Whenever I do it, i immediately need to run to the toilet.

Seems like i have a really bad case of earontable bowel syndrome

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Didn't immediately realize the potential
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicky416dos
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2014
🚨︎ report
My brother and dad were talking about a story from work and my brother goes, "I just had major deja vu." My dad immediately perks up and says, "Major Deja Vu? Wasn't he in the French army?"
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/calctea
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you cross a cat with an octopus?

A visit from the ethics department and immediate withdrawal of your funding.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sikkerhet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toydles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Three sheep

A chef entered his kitchen one day struggling with holding onto a large pumpkin. He noticed three male sheep standing next to his oven. One of them had a collar on him with the letter β€œA” written on it. The second had a collar with β€œB” and the third had β€œC.” The chef didn’t know what to do with the sheep, and they were standing in front of the only place he could put the pumpkin down. He put the pumpkin on the first sheep’s head and nothing happened. He then put it on the second sheep’s head and again, nothing happened. He then put it on the third sheep’s head, and immediately the sheep started cooking a gourmet meal and swearing at anyone who passed by him.

That’s what happens when you put a gourd on ram C in the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A man asks a woman: "when is your birthday?". To which the girl replies: "March 1st"

Man : *immediately starts marching around the room and says "so can you tell me now?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkKray35
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone thought I was stupid and tried to explain what a sawhorse is

But I shut him down immediately because I'm well aware that it's the past tense of seahorse

Thanks

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My Roomba accidentally went outside our front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report

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