I accidentally put my mobile phone in the washing machine...
It still works but now it's ringing wet...
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
I couldn't figure out how the change machine worked...
Why do vampires only play the penny and nickel slot machines?
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?
He’s fully recovered now.
(Credit to Colin Mochrie)
What does the doctor have to cut off of a baby exercise machine?
I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday...
They don't make them like they are going to anymore
I invested in a coin making machine.
My uncle used to work at a factory that recycled worn out whitewalls. One day, he fell into one of the processing machines...
Don't put Coins inside the Washing Machine!
I've invented a machine that helps people wear cloaks
I call it a cloaking device.
My wife groaned, that's good enough for me.
I grabbed my guitar and started a little jam with my coffee machine.
It asked if I knew any tunes using the descale.
What did they call the Mexican-Arab slot machine?
I got a wristwatch from a quarter machine and I'm stoked
It was time for a change.
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine
What do you call a slot machine that spins really slow?
My talking washing machine broke down today and started complaining that it was my fault,
I said, no one talks to me like that, you're out of order
My friend writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.
To get to the time machine.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
What kind of fax machine did the Trump Administration use?
An alternative facts machine.
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?
He wanted his Quarter back.
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation.
It doesn’t make any cents.
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
Im building a counterfeit money machine….
I know it sounds crazy now, but I think eventually it will make a lot of cents…
There are only two white people in the movie Black Panther
Martin Freeman, and Andy Serkis.
They also play roles in Lord of the Rings.
I guess that makes them the Tolkien white guys.
I asked my personal trainer at the gym, which type of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women?
He suggested, the cash machine .
My personal trainer was upset at me because I kept using the same machine at the gym
It was the vending machine
The 20c making machine at The Mint suddenly stop working for no reason.
It just doesn't make any cents
What did the left eye say to the right eye when they got married?
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
What was a very common name in the middle ages?
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
When the cloning machine worked...
It's the story of a father that invented a machine.
He shows it to his son, all proud, and says : "You see, son, when you put a donkey in this end of the machine, a sausage will automatically come out."
The son, very confused, asks : "But dad, is there a way to do the opposite, insert a sausage and a donkey comes out?"
The father proudly answers : "Yes son, your mom."
What pan is the best to make sushi in?
I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..
I may not have the fanciest dough mixing machine...
but it handles all my kneads.
I asked the trainer at the gym, which machine I should use to impress the ladies?
He pointed outside and said "The ATM machine. "
True story: I sent my dad a picture of the loaf of bread I made witha bread machine. He instantly responded with :
Did you know 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?
10+10 is twenty and 11+11 is twenty too
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
My wife called me a sex machine
Well, her exact words were, “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.
The pulley is the most egotistical of all the machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, “I’ve just done a silent fart. What should I do?”
He said, “Change the batteries in your hearing aid”.
Oh the tangled web we weave ...
A sketchy looking guy rented six smoke machines from my shop, so I called the cops.
He must be part of some extreme mist group.
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working.
It doesn’t make any cents.
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
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