Turns out there’s a group of people who believe the earth is just a rented apartment from galactic British overlords

damn flat earthers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurebat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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What did the man say when he's was looking for Shakespeare's apartment?

2B or not 2B? That is the question.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/indierockmathnerd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Every morning when my wife closes the bedroom door in our 1-bedroom apartment I tell her...

Have a great day at work hunny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReddiTurret
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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I found mushrooms growing from the bathroom ceiling in my NYC apartment (typical) and called my dad to see what I should do about it.

He immediately said, β€œWell, I wouldn’t eat them.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/banananabby
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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The police found a dead alpaca in its apartment.

They ruled it llamacide!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Nine ants were kicked out of the apartment complex

Because they were not tenants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyStar1991
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.

Then it clicked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kawaii_PotatoUwU
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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Someone in my apartment building rearranged all the buttons on the elevator.

That was wrong on so many levels.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/juhaodbrokule
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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I recently misplaced some of my game pieces for Yahtzee, and honestly it’s been hell, so I decided to make some posters to put up around the apartment complex:

Pair of dice, LOST.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/okaypuck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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My GF leaves me notes around the apartment...

Today I found this one.

Edit: Wow, thanks for the positive responses. Here are some more notes from her. Thank you reddit, for making my girlfriend famous for a day, she quite enjoyed your comments after a hard day's work :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SLOBaron
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
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My roommate Esther and I wanted to get a new rug for our apartment, but we didn't have a tape measure. So we had to use Esther's height to guess the approximate dimensions we wanted. We bought a rug one Esther wide by two Esthers long. You could say we...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/modestmolerat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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I was going to write a joke about people who live in the apartment upstairs.

But that’s another story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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I live in an apartment building, and my neighbour, Nami, on the floor above me, managed to flood my entire apartment! There are practically tidal waves in my kitchen. She refuses to pay for the cleanup, too.

I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KasenPringle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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My girlfriend and I were looking at a new apartment today. It seemed nice, but I was disappointed by the lack of furniture in the dining room. "What do you think?" She asked.

I replied, "Notable."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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I had a friend who had a difficult problem with the apartment area that he lived in

He had a complex complex complex

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uconnrob
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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After the earthquake, what did the gangster say when the apartment complex fell on him?

Get off me homes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nmoore2211
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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β€œHey, did you just move to the 7th floor apartment from your 6th floor one?”

β€œYes, but that’s another story.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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There are too many mosquitoes in our apartment, so I called the cops.

They said they are sending a swat team.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
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The janitor in my apartment building asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I can’t deal with a high maintenance woman.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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My landlord keeps yelling at me for not turning down the music in my apartment

I guess he’s got a sound argument.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkaic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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If you see a chick changing out the locks or cleaning out the pool at an apartment complex, NEVER give her a joint.

Nobody like high maintenance women.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nate4761
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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I was awakened last night by the bulimic lady in the apartment next door.

I knocked on her door and said, "Please keep it down!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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A slumlord prohibits his tenants from painting the doors of their apartments any color other than slate.

He believes there’s nothing like the greyed-out doors.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreakyStarrbies
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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I live in an apartment where the floor above mine is occupied by Dwayne Johnson

I've been living under a rock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andoopam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2018
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A cartoonist was found dead in the apartment...

The details are sketchy.

Courtsey - Plague Inc.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timetokill87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...

But I cooked it in a minute flat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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The maintenance staff at my apartment complex left me popcorn to say that they completed my service request while I was out. imgur.com/GAiToyX
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piccit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
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There are these apartments in the country club full of mischievous children...

It was called The Rascal Flatts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokey750
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
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Got my girlfriend with this over the weekend....As a car with giant subwoofers drove by blaring music and shaking the apartment building, I asked "you know how you buy one of those cars at the dealership?"

You just ask for the bass-line model.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrumpetJedi
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2017
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What did the fungi say about his New York apartment?

There isn't mush-room

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartaFC
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Just moved out and was buying things for the apartment...

and got a text from my dad:

Dad: "Do you guys need a cheese grater?"

Me: "No. We already have one."

Dad: "Grate!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thekraken47
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
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My friends apartment caught fire because someone elses ded too. Later, he got married. At the wedding he said they'd need to have me over once he got his new apartment ready for a housewarming party.

I said, to him and his new wife, "But I thought you already had a housewarming. His wife almost snotted herself over it. We're good friends to this day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Super_Dork_42
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2015
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If law enforcement officers were called to the apartment of a female bassist in response to a noise complaint, there would be sheriffs because she riffs.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManLeader
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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Apartment complex was filling up the pool.

Me, "how much water are they gonna put in there!? You can't even read the footage!"

Friend's sister, "you don't read footage, you watch it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZehFritoBandito
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
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I usually text my girlfriend when I'm walking up the stairs to her apartment, and today I sent her this. I then realized the path I'm taking leads me to here.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chase0602
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
🚨︎ report
He dragged me out of the apartment for that pun.

Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.

They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.

While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.

I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."

The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"

Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".

He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3wThr33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
🚨︎ report

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