Did you guys know that ducks are terrible in tense situations?

They tend to quack under pressure.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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I was feeling tense so my girlfriend sent me a .gif to help.

It was a text massage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLaBolle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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I just told my dad that things were tense between me and my BFF right now.

He responded with "Wow. Things are so tents it yurts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImHannahGrace
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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Past tense
πŸ‘︎ 233
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slushii21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.

To be honest, it was about thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whistlepoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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Guys I found out what the past tense of remove is.

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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He must have been tense
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Past Tense...
πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AvocadoHammer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar

And things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
It was tense
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jackaroo8040
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The past tense of bee...

...is wasp!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZGURemixer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?

It was a high steaks mission.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zspratt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
It took the Simian Council weeks of tense negotiating for a new Constitution, but eventually...

it all ended with a Round of Ape Laws.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Romnonaldao
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the present tense of Arkansas?

Arkansee

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyledactyl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between being killed and being dead?

The tense.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YouCube26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense onelinefun.com
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Werewolf hunter
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shulerbop
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Engrish
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnAverageTomato
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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Someone thought I was stupid and tried to explain what a sawhorse is

But I shut him down immediately because I'm well aware that it's the past tense of seahorse

Thanks

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue.

It's intense tense in tents

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harshamfk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes defuse tense situations

I was home earlier than normal, and dad was in basement.

Dad: "Who's there, I'm armed." Me: "I'm legged." Both: Laugh. Tension gone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/riftrender
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
🚨︎ report
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coot32
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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Why can’t the number 5 perform sexually when number 1 is on top?

He is too tense.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/charons-voyage
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A tense conversation with the wife

wife sneezes
baby wakes and starts to fuss
wife: Sorry little one didn't mean to wake you when I snooze
me: snoze?
wife: sure, freeze: froze, sneeze: snoze.
me: so is the present tense of chose "cheese?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tift
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
🚨︎ report
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.

I can also tell when they're standing.

EDIT: from https://jokeriot.com

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Q: What's the past tense of "break"?

A: Broke

Q: What do people do with cigars and cigarettes?

A: Smoke

Q: What do you call a funny story that's supposed to make someone laugh?

A: Joke

Q: What's the most popular brand of cola in the world?

A: Coke

Q: What do you call the white of an egg?

A: Yolk.

No, it's the albumen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eldormilon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report
William is nervous about his life prospects

Will is future tense

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ewormPL
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently discovered what the past tense of Remove is

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlphaAxel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The past, present, and future walked into a bar...

...it was tense.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_oddballwoofwoof_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,

Things got a little tense.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
One fifth of people are just too tense
πŸ‘︎ 279
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gsarge28
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
🚨︎ report
The past, present and future walk into a room.

It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar

Things got a little tense

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Don’t you hate it when you read read as read when you meant to read read as read and not read .

so you have to reread it so you read it as read and not read?

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Tenses

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KieranD9503
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
🚨︎ report
The past,The present and The future entered a bar

It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onowl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the doctor, told him I keep having these dreams I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. Teepee then a wigwam. What's wrong with me, I asked.

Oh, that's easy, said the doctor: you're two tents. (too tense)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Charles_Deetz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanAhJustSay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, present and future walk into a bar

It was tense.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pomfritten__
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, present and future walk into a bar

It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The past, present and future walk into the bar,

Things got a bit tense.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
The future, the past and the present walked in to a bar.

Things got a little tense

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DuckyDGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
The past, present and future walk in to a bar..

It was tense.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wedge001
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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