Swore Puns

But I didn’t have a good fall back position.

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

I really wanna kick The Habit

I Shih Tzu not!

He got cussed today.

Now as an adult, I get into trouble for swearing in front of a kid.

What a loon!

But I never met herbivore

Goofy girl! After 6 months of trying, she finally came to her senses.

It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary

He suffered the reper-cuss-ions

He said, most people who have been there, especially anyone who has driven there.

I brought over a towel to help her out, but when i got there it was clearly drywall.

I told him his days were numbered.

Until they made the Nintendo Switch.

It hertz

The luftwaffle

It swore at me twice so far.

He swore to tell the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth!

Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself

Because batman swore to protect goth ham.

A pundit.

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The clone was identical EXCEPT he swore like a bad comedian. So, the wealthy man pushed the clone off a cliff.

The police charged him with making an obscene clone fall.

Was talking with my step-mother-in-law. She said "The kids are being quiet. They must be misbehaving." I followed with "That's sound logic..." I thought it was hilarious and she laughed once but my wife just thought it was stupid.

She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again

He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own shit.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Tumor-ic

*as told by my 9yo daughter this morning who swore "I DID NOT KNOW WHAT IT MEANT!" when wife and I loudly cringed at the punchline.

So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.

The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.

I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"

Doctor says "Of course."

I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."

The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"

I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."

A male drone bee ejaculates with such force it causes his genitals to explode, resulting in his death.

One such bee, upon learning of this, took a vow of celibacy and swore off sex forever.

When news reached the queen she scoffed and said "How very unbecoming of him."

One day, Melon met a girl named Cantaloupe. She was very sweet to him. They fell in love quickly, but his father didn’t approve because she was a peasant. You see, the king wanted Melon to marry the princess of Veggieland, Broccoli. The king banned Melon and Cantaloupe from seeing each other ever again.

However, the young lovers were determined to see each other. Every Sunday, Cantaloupe snuck into Melon’s room. They would stay up till midnight with each other. This went on for many years.

Meanwhile, the king was arranging Melon’s marriage with Broccoli. He was prepared to pay every expense to make the wedding excellent for PR. However, the night before Melon was to be married, the king found out about his meeting with Cantaloupe! He made Melon swear a Royal Oath—an unbreakable promise—to marry Broccoli the next day and never see Cantaloupe again after that.

That night, when Cantaloupe visited, Melon admitted what had happened. She begged him to run off with her and get married, but he refused.

“I love you, but I swore a Royal Oath. I’m sorry, dear, but I Cantaloupe.”

But he swore he was framed.

He said yes. Which was weird, because I swore it was a Saturday.

Because Batman swore to protect goth ham.