Sweety Puns

It's a mandate!

"Stairs don't talk!"

Really? I've never had that, what did you get?

A Caesar salad

happened today, she was not enthused...

I was reading this week's calendar to my high school daughter.

Me: "Easter this day, dentist this day, eye doctor that day..."

Daughter: "Nothing lands on 04/20?"

Me: "No sweetie... Everything is high on 04/20."

After begrudgingly knowing she walked right into that, she walked away saying, "So, I guess it's up in the air."

The decision was a piece of cake.

Hey all,

I thought I would share a wholesome yet hilarious jab at me my daughter unintentionally made last night.

I honestly can’t remember what joke I made last night but it’s one that we would all make. akin to the “kid comes up and days I’m hungry” joke. I chuckle to myself.

My 6 year old responds Daughter: “Mom, is Dad still learning to tell jokes?” Wife: “No sweetie why do you ask?” Daughter deadpan face and tone: “Because that wasn’t funny.”

But it just wont cut it.

My mom asked us one by one what our name ideas were. She got to my dad. "What's your name, babe?" "It's Mike, sweetie." (My dad's name) My dad and I cracked up and my mom rolled her eyes

Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD!

https://imgur.com/a/vYT7ZBx

She's 3. "Dad...that's...a pea. Not...pee."

"That's what I said. Pea!'

ಠಿ_ಠ

Dad: “of course sweetie, but it’s going to take 31 days to get there.”

He brings me an apple, wife says “you’re getting a sandwich sweetie.” With out skipping a beat. I tell her, “he wants an appletizer” as I begin to cut it for him.

http://i.imgur.com/12lCPIU.jpg

The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"

Like any good dad, I said "Of course I can sweety" before stuffing my toes into them.

After she said "NOOOOOOO DAAAAAADDY! On my feet!" I said "well why didn't you say so in the first place?"

[Helped her stuff her feet in]

"Daddy" she asked, "Can you pull on the tongue?"

......ike dthis?

"No sweetie, She's just a little horse."

He had different kinds of jokes for each maiden, as he knew they each had different types of humor. Margaret was first, and the knight stood before her and tried out a new knock knock joke. A boy watching nearby asked his mother, "why did he tell her a knock knock joke?" The mother replied, "well sweetie that's because her husband used to always tell them, so she appreciates them more." Next was Priscilla, and as the knight stood before her he tried out the joke the court jester told him. "Why did the knight use a court jester joke?" Asked the boy. "Well sweetie that's because Priscilla isnt very bright and she wouldnt understand most other jokes." Finally it was Dawn's turn. The knight began his joke but the mother quickly covered the boys ears. "Why did you do that?" Asked the boy. "Because you are too young for the humor the knight uses on her, and the knight is always darkest before Dawn."

Overheard this conversation while my wife was getting our daughter ready for bed:

Wife: Alright sweetie, time for bed Daughter: Ok, I'm so sleepy Wife: I am too Daughter: NO, I AM TWO!

Because sweety it's not furshort.

No sweety. It's cows milk.

I said, “Well sweetie, that’s nice, but I just can’t see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.”

To which she replied, “Oh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!”

'You can always serve as a bad example!!'

Not sure sweety, can’t really see much outside.

Getting up sweetie.

My daughter didn’t get it right away, wife groaned.

My Little Sister: No! What happened?!

Dad: Dont worry, he woke up.

My Little Sister: ROLLS EYES

Me: Hahahahahaha! Nice.

My Little Sister: Omg! Is this funny?

Dad: No, THIS IS PATRICK! (We all really love SpongeBob SquarePants)

I GET UP TO GIVE MY DAD A HIGH FIVE AND HIS PHONE RINGS AS SOON AS I GET UP. IT'S MY MOM CALLING HIM FROM THE KITCHEN

Mom: Hi, I was wondering if I had the right number. Is this funny?

Dad: No! THIS IS PATRICK!

My Little Sister: Really?! You too Mom?!

Mom: No, I'm 49 sweetie.

My Little Sister: Nevermind! I'm watching, "Black Mirror," in my room by myself.

Dad: Sweetie, African American, don't just call them Black. That's not nice.

My Little Sister: ............. I hate you all.

• I know this isn't necessarily a,"Dad Joke." It's more of a conversation my Dad and Little Sister had. But it was seriously one of the funniest moments I've ever seen.

• I really love my family. Lol

L: Daddy? Me: Yes, sweety L: I, hungry H, without missing a beat: Hi hungry, I'm H!

I've never been prouder.

Me: omg sweetie, bring me my phone

Daughter: daddy, I said I got hurt (whimpering voice)

Me: im calling nine- waaaan-waaaan ...(pretends to hang up the phone)...the waaambumance is on the way

Daughter: there's no waaaan waaaan on your phone

My 5 y/o daughter said to me “daddy can I have some water from your water bottle because I’m thirsty.”

Me: of course sweetie

4 y/o son from the other room, “nice to meet you Thirsty, I’m Grady!”

"knock,knock"
"who's there?"

"Its Chilly"
"Heeeeyyy sweetie, I'm sorry but we cant go to the beach today, Its Chilly outside."

Me: sweetie, you need to tell your friend no.

Daughter: no

Me: now tell her why

Daughter: why

Me: facepalm

"Honey, pass me another can of beer!", the beekeeper bellowed.

His wife went to check the fridge for beer but alas, there was none left.

"Dear, our supplies have run dry!"

The beekeeper then replied, "Sweetie, please pass me the honey can."

“Sweetie, this is a blood test.”

"Of course not, sweetie, I'm a human being."

As stated my wife banished me to the couch for this.

She had a late start at work today, so she did some work around the house, including hanging the wreath.

After picking her up from work that evening we got home and she asked me if I liked the wreath. I responded with "the Franklin? It looks good".

She wasn't happy about that, and kept insisting I call it a wreath. Our friends all came over for D&D and I continued to interject whenever she showed someone that it was called "A Franklin".

Eventually she got really mad and demanded to know why I wouldn't call it a wreath. So I hugged her and said "I'm sorry sweetie, I didn't know it was so important to you. I mean, A-Wreath, A-Franklin, what's the difference?".

So yeah, sleeping on the couch.

I have twins that each have a stuffed fox they love. I find one on my couch cushion and pick it up before sitting down after a rough day.

Kid 1: "papa, can I have that fox?"
Me: "sure, sweetie"
Kid 2: "can I have a fox too?"
Me: "sorry, peanut, I'm all out of fox to give"

edit: formatting.

We were driving to a friend's house for "game day". We live in Phoenix...we have flora that doesn't like living..because..it is Phoenix.As we were driving, we passed a huge palm tree on its last root (leg) of life in the median of the road. It is literally being held up by a few 2x4's. I look at my husband with the saddest look I can muster before I say "Babe, did you see that poor palm?". Husband says, "Oh yea, that big, dead-looking ones with the boards?". I respond, "Yea, sweetie, we should say a prayer. The poor thing is on LEAF support". He was not amused...I, however, giggle every other Saturday when we pass the tree to game day. Also, please don't worry about the tree. Now that Phoenix has made it through a hot summer, I bet after winter it will just spring back to life...assuming it doesn't fall. Lastly, sorry I'm not a dad or no actually dad said it...but I was channeling that inner dad when it happened! If I need to move this post it is okay!

So my daughter used to be a Dora the explorer fanatic. Loved everything Dora.. So we bought her a kickball with Dora on it.

Thats important to the joke, trust me.

So, we were out in the garage, kicking the ball back and forth, and my daughter saw one of our dogs doing something cute, as dogs are wont to do.

"Daddy! Look! That's adorable!"

I grabbed the ball and said "no, sweetie, thats cute, THIS is a Dora ball!"

Eyeroll from her, and the wife choked on her drink. :)

I just subscribed to dadjokes and I absolutely love it. Probably because i have the same sense of humor. Anyway here is what happened last night as I was home visiting for dinner.

My mom has spent all day preparing a glorious meal of shredded barbeque chicken, spanish rice, and corn bread (the kind of home cooked meal you just don't get in college). One of my moms absolute favorite things is cornbread and honey. so while we were sitting at the table waiting for her to get her plate she set my dad up for his moment of glory. "Is my honey on the table already?" I saw the look in his eyes he knew he had her! "No sweety I'm in my chair. I haven't had enough to drink to get on the table yet!" I laughed high fived my dad while my mom and my sister rolled their eyes.

My wife was on hold with the office of the local newspaper when my four year old started asking for something.

Wife: Hang on sweetie, I'm on the phone with the newspaper. Daughter: But newspapers can't talk, mommy!

This was overheard while checking out at our grocery store.

Dad is walking with his young daughter and the mother, who is pregnant, is returning from the restroom.

"Look sweety, your mom is a batman super villain. The waddler."

I did not get a chance to shake his hand.

Any time my brother or I order Sweet Tea at a restaurant, my dad says "Did you just call the waitress Sweety?"

So I was at Petco buying cat food when I saw a dad and daughter walk in with a malamute. The daughter walks to the cats and asks:

"Can we get one daddy?"

"No sweety, he's already ate two."

So the other day I heard a great joke that I decided to share with my girlfriend. I sent her this: "What is an australians favorite metal?" She answered that she didn't know, but knowing me it'd be something absurdly stupid.

Now would be a good time to tell that in my native language "gold" is a cute nickname you call your SO, kinda like "honey" in English.

When I answered "Gold", she replied almost instantly "Yes sweetie?"

I'm so proud of her.

Daughter: Mom, I want to wright a letter to Santa Mom: Okay sweetie, I'll help you. What do you want your letter to say? Daughter: B.

Me: "No sweetie, those are called BRRR-icanes"

"What's a matter baby?"

"Nothing, I'm fine sweetie. How are you?"