Substance P Puns

I walked into a substance abuse clinic for my second meeting yesterday. The doctor knew I had a severe crush on women super heros...today he told me the news.

"Sir I'm afraid it's dire, you need to be checked in immediately for your heroine addiction"

I have a serious Substance abuse problem

What is a sharks favorite illegal substance?

>!Reefer!<

It was a vial substance.

I've been having some diarrhoea troubles lately, and after another long toilet visit I was delighted to tell her it was starting to get more substance, and becoming less fluid.

She simply replied: I'm glad you're getting your shit together.

Yes, she's still chuckling about it.

EDIT: Whoa, this blew up more than I expected! Thank you all :D I'll be sure to let her read the replies!

Groanism; like monism, but with even less substance.

He didn’t want to get in trouble s o he stopped his truck got out and started to pick up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then he began fitting the pieces together. In less than 10 minutes, he had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. The toll manager came up to him, impressed and said, “Wow you fixed that fast! What was that stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?”
“Oh”, said the man, “just a bit of Tollgate booth paste“

My SO noticed a black substance on his car's exhaust tip- carbon from the engine. He touched my nose with it and it stuck. He got as much as he could off, but about 15 minutes later his dad pointed out that there was still some left. I worked at it a little, then wrapped my arms around my SO's shoulder. His dad: "I guess you could say you guys are carbon dating.

If it was filled with regular people, we'd have something of substance up there, and gravity would go to shit.