Yoga bends. Yoga stretches. Yoga realizes he’s completely out of shape.

Yoga pants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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My Dad After Doing Some Stretches

Dad led face down on floor
Concerned Daughter: "Are you alright?"
Dad: "No, I'm half left."

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thirdwiseman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2014
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A friend of mine claimed he saw a Daihatsu stretch limo.

It turned out to be a big Charade.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AFCBlink
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
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I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
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Stretching it a bit
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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The last one was a stretch (god that was a bad one too) reddit.com/gallery/k4oyvl
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AssAssGlasses
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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Staying in shape.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingfisher202103
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.

Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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So 3 roads walked into a bar

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurfingSherlock
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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There are rumors that Tesla is considering on a stretched, three row version of their Model X SUV. The project is on Musk's desk waiting for a decision on whether to go forward.

Their next car is Elon gated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arrenlex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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What shape is a kiss?

A-lip-tickle.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilovebravebrowser
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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To call the whole Elon Musk controversy β€œElon-Gate” seems like a bit of a stretch
πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JuIius_Seizure95
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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I sure hope Elon Musk doesn't get into a scandal.

Yeah. Elongate could stretch out forever.

πŸ‘︎ 401
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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I bring you a lovely Christmas pun! (maybe lovely is a stretch) imgur.com/gallery/rSq0dav
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seacrane2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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what do you call a woman who can stretch her legs across a tennis court?

Annette

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/necroplasmic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
"Cheer up, you could be a replacement stake in the ground for barbed wire to stretch upon," said one new joke to another.

"Yeah, I guess I could be a repost," said the other new joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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A friend of mine was discouraged that they couldn't come up with dad jokes. I told them anyone can make dad jokes, you just have to stretch out the thought process a little father.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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I don’t know why my wife criticized me for not stretching after exercising.

She knew I was already knotted up about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BawkMcGraw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do." The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do." Only one man stood under that sign...

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, β€œNo one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."

The man shrugged and said, β€œMy wife told me to stand here.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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Risky Dad Joke: My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...

So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EricTheReddit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2014
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Mom: I hear that John's business is doing a lot better. How did he manage to get enough people to slow down on that stretch of highway to even notice his store? Dad: Oh, he followed my advice and put up a billboard.

"Nude Colony Ahead, Keep Your Eyes on the Road!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Mart Mc Fly traveling into the Star Wars universe be like,

Man, De Lorain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peterd3d
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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How does a Muslim close the door?

Islams it

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/33Fanste33
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Bit of a stretch, but has potential if said differently...

"Do you know the alphabet?"

"No, I'm a beta."

"OMeGa"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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If a male owl's sibling adopts a baboon,

then owl be a monkey's uncle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iceman838
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
So a meeting stretched on for a bit too long, and the client said 'I wouldn't mind a light lunch'.'

So, i said, 'CFL, Incandescent or LED?'

Much groaning ensued amongst my colleagues. Client laughed a lot though.

I have a feeling I'm going to enjoy working with him.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ May 20 2015
🚨︎ report
I have a stretch limo tesla

It's elon-gated

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iwantmyteslanow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I was tuning a guitar. While doing this one of the stings snapped in half perfectly. I took one half and stretched It out. I managed to get it on. One problem though. As soon as I played it shot straight to the ceiling.

I’d never heard or seen such a high note.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueparasites
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Ive been going to this amazing socialist prenatal yoga center called Stretch Marx.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...

...are you testing its utensil strength?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BassCuber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I tried Yoga for the first time...

I'd say I enjoyed it, but that would be a stretch.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a smart fart?

Asstoot.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phillyskyline
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
After the husband refused to stretch his tender loins, his wife started placing his favorite dinner on the roof for him...

But the steaks were too high

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxymoronix
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Doctor Doctor, I'm convinced I'm a rubber band.

Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch over there and tell me all about it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SolgaleoGamePlays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a 6'10" Irishman with a sunburn have in common with the star named Betelgeuse?

They're both red giants, and way bigger than my son(sun).

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barrtender
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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People always ask why I stretch while on Reddit.

I am a practitioner of Karma Yoga.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Definitely a repost! maybe a bit of a stretch..... So Giraffes...

One of the dumbest animals out there.... Their heads are always in the clouds.

One of the most stubborn too.... Takes them forever to swallow their pride.

At the same time; the nicest! .....They'll stick their neck out for anyone.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
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My wife keeps insisting that I should warm up before I start exercising.

Sounds like a stretch to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to tell a yoga joke.

But it was a bit of a stretch.

πŸ‘︎ 208
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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I would tell you a pun about gymnasts, but...

It’s a bit of a stretch...

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yaboiBungle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
To avoid strain when thinking about working out involves a stretch of my imagination.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yeags
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Where'd he keep the weasel
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatrixML
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2018
🚨︎ report
The other day my yoga instructor was drunk

It put me in quite an awkward position

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Have you heard the joke about yoga?

Never mind. It's a bit of a stretch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheIndrajitKar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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I started dating my yoga instructor.

Now we're friends with zenefits.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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What is the most important part of a stretch limo Tesla Model S

Baaaaatery !

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unsecurewifi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2017
🚨︎ report

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