My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Which superhero straightens their hair?

Iron Man

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JJDDooo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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More often than not, I have to straighten my wrinkle-free shirt...

With my irony-ng board.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteWalterBlack
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2018
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If you are always straightening things, you have OCD ....

If you are always eating things, you have OBCD.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokesig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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Even though he extremely skeptical, the hunchback’s wife finally convinced him to see a surgeon to straighten his spine. When the operation was done, he came home and told his wife:

"I stand corrected."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomjim04
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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Crooked teeth are criminal

Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgetothewild
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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I didn't make this up but I wish I knew who did.

It was a gloomy day for a funeral. The widow weeped quietly in the front row. A distinguished gentleman approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you mind if I said a word?" "Please do", she replied. He stands, straightens his tie, and says "Plethora." Then he sits down. "Thank you," she said.

"That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eap42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I had to straighten my hose out yesterday.

It was getting a little too kinky.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdodson77
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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I thought we're supposed to isolate in order to "flatten the curve,"

but I'm only getting fatter.

-My dad

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zatosu_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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My son’s back is developing a hunch from sitting too much in front of the pc, so our doctor recommended that he wear an othopedic corset.

I call it the heir straightener.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ampdrool
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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A true dad’s tool set
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxx_idiot_xxx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Why are some hairdressers gay?

Because their straighteners are broke.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dens382
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
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My doctor asked if I knew I had back problems.

I told him I had a hunch.

πŸ‘︎ 309
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shnazty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
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A story about a legendary Composer

In 1827, after Beethoven died, he was buried outside the local church, in the graveyard, and people came to pay their respects frequently.

One morning, about a week after the funeral, two girls came to leave some flowers on his grave, only to hear strange, unearthly sounds coming from it. Creeped out, they called for the local Paranormal Investigator.

The Investigator arrived an hour later, and with him, a small crowd, who had come to see what was happening to the composer’s grave.

Suddenly, one member of the crowd exclaimed, β€œI recognise that sound! It’s his 9th Symphony, backwards!”

Soon after, another said, β€œand that’s his 8th, backwards!”

After leaning closer to the grave to inspect this for himself, the Investigator straightened himself up, gave a soft chuckle, and said:

β€œNever fear, ladies and gentlemen! Beethoven’s just decomposing.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnixyZ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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I beat a guy up with a rolling pin

I sure did straighten him out.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolfcubware
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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what do you call it when a lesbian and a gay man fall in love

no one knows but it seems they straightened out their differences

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colse707
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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Grandfather’s ties

My grandfather was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie.

Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kingy7777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
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The increase of bad parents has directly influenced the increase in gays.

Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conniption26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
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I said to my wife, 'Our daughters have said if I style their hair they'll buy me a metal bracelet.'

'Platinum?' she asked.

I said, 'No, only straightening.'

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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My first dad joke

My 10 month old was sitting in her high chair and twisting and moving all over the place. My wife looked at me and told me to "Straighten her up"

I looked at her and said "What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It's time to grow up."...

My wife hasn't asked me to do anything since.

πŸ‘︎ 875
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trmiller1326
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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The best pick up advice I've been told is...

..always bend your knees.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/embaked
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
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Can you guys give me really good back puns?

My one year anniversary since i had back surgery is coming up and i cant think of any really good back jokes, if you guys could get the back surgery jokes straightened out that would be great!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/landophant
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2013
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Jack and the Beanstalk meets Little Red Riding Hood

This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that he’s actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.

One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.

One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his father’s steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.

One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. β€œOh Junior,” she said, β€œyou’ve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. It’s so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesn’t have to. Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet?” Junior hesitated. β€œWell Grandma,” he replied. β€œIt’s because... I’m gay”. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandma’s expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: β€œJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isn’t giving me any grandsons!” Jack replied: β€œMa, we’re happy, you can’t just-β€œ But she interrupted. β€œNo excuses!” She snapped. β€œYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coyoteTale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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This farmer had a prize show bull.

This bull had won best in show awards. Groomed daily, perfect stance, it was a great bull.

One day the farmer goes out and sees the bull has gone cross-eyed. This was going to ruin ant chance of future awards, so he called the livestock vet out.

The veterinarian gets there and examines the bull, realizes he's seen this happen before and grabs a narrow metal tube from the back of his truck.

He brings the tube over and jams the tip of it into the bulls hind end and proceeds to blow as hard as he can through the end of it.

The farmer looks at the bulls eyes as the vet is blowing into the bulls backside and says "it's working! I see his eyes straightening right up, keep doing it!"

The vet blows and blows his face and cheeks turning red and finally says, "I'm out of breath I can't do it anymore, his eyes are almost straight you'll have to finish"

The farmer comes over and grabs the tube, pulls it out, turns it around and puts it back in the other way, the vet stops him and says, "What on Earth are you doing?"

The farmer says, "Well I don't want to put my mouth on the same end you did!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amd20555
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
🚨︎ report
My 10 year old daughter

Has a figure skating competition in about a month. So I'm asking her if she's ready. She tells me she needs to straighten out her axle. To which I respond "you can't be driving around with a crooked axle" And my 8 year old son says "you'll drive right off the road" I've trained him well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/irontan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Serendipitous dadjoke sticker on a box

My daughter was straightening up a pile of stuff in the kitchen, and picked up a small blue empty decorative box. "What's this?" she asked.

Ever the dad, of course I answered, "It's a box..."

She rolled her eyes and said, "No, Dad, what's it from?" But it didn't end there.

She handed the box to me and I started speculating that it looked about the size of box for a watch. Then Mom said she thought it was from a necklace I had given her for Mother's Day.

Just to be clear, Mom had sent me an e-mail "hint" in the form of a link to order the necklace, so being a dutiful hubby, I ordered it. She caught the package in the mail as soon as it arrived and opened it right away, several days before Mother's Day. So I had never even seen the box. No wonder I couldn't identify it. Just saying.

Meanwhile I was turning the box over in my hand and noticed a little gold sticker on a corner of the box. I handed the box back to my daughter and said, "Here, read the sticker."

She took the box back and looked at the sticker. It said, "BOX, Made in China."

I said, "See? I was right." She threw the box at me.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlmostDisjoint
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2016
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My dad just sent me this horrible diaper dad joke

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NinjaRockstar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2015
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The pun-master strikes again!

My roommate asked us if she should curl her hair or straighten it Guy Roommate 1: "We like you so much better with curly hair" Guy Roommate 2: "Yeah, you're such a bitch when you straighten your hair" Me: "Seriously, your hair goes straight to your head!"

... (awkward silence followed by berating me with anti-pun comments, jealous)

Edit: grammar stuffs

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
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"Curly"

"If I were going into news and my last name were Curly, I think I would have it straightened."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doctorflash
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2014
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My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture

I have a hunch, it might be me.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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