A bit startled, I asked, "Officer, why are you crying while writing me my ticket?” He sighed...

"It’s a moving violation!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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I sometimes gets startled when I make preserves

Its jarring

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thesaurususaurus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.

She got a second wind.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/regcrusher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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What do you call a startled octopus?

A shockedopus.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kie723
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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I was sitting on the toilet when I was suddenly startled.

Needless to say, it scared the shit out of me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rage-o-rama
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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I startled a kangaroo the other day, at the zoo.

He seemed a bit jumpy.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_luxio
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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Oh my god you startled me...

well, I am wearing sneakers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TirelessFiver
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
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I sneezed, startling my 1 month old, who pooped.

Me: "I scared the crap out of her!"

3 year old gives me a blank stare.

Me: "Sorry, that joke stinks."

3 year old goes back to watching her show.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twibo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
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Be sure to whisper after a chocolatier tells you they’re out of chocolate. You don’t wanna startle them.

They’re just an ear now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DamnYouRobot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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In recent news, a giant had a troubling discovery when he returned home from work.

After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,

"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Why did the clock suddenly startle?

You could say he was...alarmed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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I got lost in a corn maze for a couple days last year

Needless to say I was starving, as fate would have it a ripe piece fell down right at my feet. Startled I called out β€œwell I guess it’s on the house!” To my amazement the stalk came to life and said β€œNonsense! It’s on the cob!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Durian-Shot
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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My sister found some startling news about Mcdonalds.

Sister: Did you know that Mcdonalds milkshakes aren't actually made from milk, they're made from whey.

Dad: No whey!

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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Whenever something startles me...

Me: In reaction "Jesus!"

Dad: "No, it's just me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/InsanePsycologist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
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"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/always-paranoid
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
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A man walked into a Library...

A Man Walked into a Library. He approached the front desk, rapped on the wood with his knuckles, and declared "MA'AM, I WOULD LIKE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES." The receptionist was startled, and replied "sir, please.. this is a library!" The man gasped, looked around surprised, and replied in a very quiet whisper: "i'm so sorry. i would like a cheeseburger and fries."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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A panda walks into a restaurant.

He seats himself at a table. The sight is so strange that the owner comes over personally and asks, "Can I help you?" The panda replies, "Do you have anything with bamboo?" The owner answers, "We have a few Chinese dishes that have bamboo." The panda says, "I'll just have the bamboo." So the owner heads to the kitchen and soon returns with a plate of bamboo. The panda eats every last morsel, then pulls out a pistol, fires it into the ceiling, and walks out. The owner is startled and completely confused, so he follows the panda all the way back to the zoo. When he finds the zoo keeper, he walks up and asks, "Do you have any idea what your panda just did? He came into my restaurant, ate a bunch of bamboo, pulled out a pistol, fired it into the ceiling, and walked out." The zoo keeper replied, "Well, of course, he's a panda; that's what they do." Then, when he saw the owner was still confused, added, "Haven't you ever read about pandas?" More confused than ever, the owner walks home. He gets out his old set of encyclopedias, dusts off the letter "P, " and turns to the entry on pandas: "The panda is a large mammal, native to China; it eats bamboo shoots and leaves."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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When seeing a sign for an alarm

The door is alarmed... The lights are startled too

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnrich95
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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The Petting Zoo

So my girlfriend and I went to a petting zoo over the weekend. We were wandering around and watched an encounter with a young boy (probably 2) and a chicken. The boy was was following the chicken around clucking and waving his arms, with his father close behind.

The chicken became curious and darted towards the little boy, with that he screams and runs behind his dad. Without missing a beat, the dad chimes 'Woah, easy there - don't get startled or I'll be chicken your wrist for a pulse'

We made eye contact and I gave him the chuckle he deserved.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoshi100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2018
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I was making my way through Atlanta airport the other day when I noticed a man working on a broken escalator...

As I descended down the adjacent, working escalator I noticed the man tapping his screwdriver impatiently at the bottom; looking around as if he were waiting for something. I couldn't resist...

>Me: "Do you have everything you need to fix it?"
>
>Him: "No!" <looking frustrated>
>
>Me: "Well, have you tried escalating?!"

In about half a second the man's face erupted in a smile while he proceeded to laugh so loudly that he startled himself and a woman nearby who gasped, turning to look at him. Somewhere behind me a woman unleashed a loud, "Ha!" as well.

I smiled all the way to my designated boarding gate =D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
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After all these years, he's still got it.

Being a father of my own, I'm still envious of the masterful skill in which my dad can come up with his material. While driving down the interstate, a Miller Lite truck pulls out in front of us, more quickly than he should. My dad swerved to the left to avoid my door from getting broad sided by a tractor trailer. I yelled from being startled.

Me: He almost hit us!

Dad: We're fine. I can handle this.

Me: He almost totaled the car! What if he had hit us? I could be dead!

Dad: Nah, you would've been fine. It was Lite beer.

Me: (jaw dropped in awe and amazement)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/taggsyoureit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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My wife told me she just squished a huge millipede in the house

I said "I bet it was so startled it milipeed it's pants'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theevilrobot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2017
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There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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The original

Anytime I would start to fall asleep while my dad was driving the back country roads. He would yell hay startling me and as soon as I gained my composer and I would ask "What?" And he would than point at a hay bail and say there is some hay over there.

Fast forward 8 or so years and I was riding in the back of are jeep with my dad and Papa (he doesn't like being called grampa) all of the sudden my papa yells son and my dad slams on the brakes in a panic asking what's wrong. He(papa) than casually points at the sun and says the suns out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjknight9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2014
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My wife came back from the beauty parlor...

My four-year-old son ran excitedly to the door to greet her. When she opened it, her appearance was startling. She looked like a goth. Her eyes were surrounded with jet-black make-up, with dramatic extra lashes drawn to the sides.

My son let out a shriek and rushed back into my arms for a hug. "What's on Mommy's eyes?" he asked tearfully.

I replied, "Ma scare ya?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fellow_hiccupper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2017
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Saw the janitor cleaning the bathroom

Janitor was focused on cleaning the bathroom, thought i popped in to say hello before leaving work:

Me: Hey whats' up... (apparently this startled him)

Him: man, you scared the shit out of me

Me: good thing you're already in the bathroom

._.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/melonpie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Night Porter at work with my favourite dadjoke of all time

Receptionist at work had gone to get a glass of water from the bar. As she came around the corner stephen(the night Porter) was coming around at the same time. Startled, she said "oh jesus!" And without missing a beat he said "no, Stephen" and carried on walking. My admiration of the man rocketed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/steezy1337
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
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I do this every time I'm on a road trip with my family

As I pass a truck carrying horse food, I point to it and yell "HAY"

My whole family, slightly startled, looks around, at what I'm so excited about, then realize, and in unison roll their eyes and groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/strider820
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2015
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I think this was an unintentional dad joke

So me and the girlfriend had date night tonight and at one point prior to the movie she talked about how everything is changing and I should know she is afraid of change. Shortly after the movie as we pull out of the theatre I reach into the handle of the car door and grab a couple coins and toss them at her while she's posting how great the movie was. She gets startled and does a Eep I immediately just go hmm... I guess you are afraid of change and she just sighs in aggravation

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2016
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My neighbour got me with this one today while waiting for the elevator

So, as soon as I heard this I knew I had to share it with /r/dadjokes...

We both enter the building at the same time, I'm just behind my neighbour in the doorway and he gets a little startled as I grab the door to let him through. He says to me "Oh hello! I didn't see you there! How are you?" I respond with my simple "I'm well, and yourself?" out of courtesy of course. This is when he starts telling me about his dream.

"Oh, I'm just terrible, I had a horrible dream last night"

My response: "oh no..."

"I dreamt I was a muffler."

"A muffler?"

"I woke up exhausted."

I had not choice but to laugh and think of one of my fondest subreddits...

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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Hay hay hay!!

Daughter was driving and a truck full of hay passed us. I started shouting "HAY,,HAY ,,HAY"

She was startled and said "What??"

I pointed at the truck and said. "Hay.."

Groan...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kjvlv
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2015
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Fireman told me this one

Really close family friend of ours told us this one that allegedly happened while he was on duty. I'm going to tell it from his perspective, as it reads the 'funniest'.

So I'm on duty and we have to go and put out a simple brush fire off to the side of a busy intersection. Since it's the dry season of Southern California literally the smallest spark can cause a giant fire you know, so we're trying to put it out pretty fast. So we arrive there and we notice that an ambulance is speeding down the road to this one pretty sharp bend, and you know, they're making haste since they're on a code 3. A code 3 is where both the siren and the lights are on at the same time and they obviously have something that they need to do. Anyways, they're speeding around this corner and one of the backdoors gets flung open and a cooler flies out and lands at the curb. By this point we've handled the fire and we're just assessing the damage, like where it's spread, stuff like that, so I go and retrieve the container and I open it and inside there's a human toe in there. I tell most of my crew and we decide that we'll get the toe back to the paramedics and then head back to the station. So we call the emergency services and we let them know that some EMT's have left a human body part and didn't come back to get it. They tell us, "we'll have someone come pick it up soon". We wait about 20 minutes and no one arrives and we're all a bit startled that no one's come back to come pick up a fucking human toe, so we call back and they give us the same thing. Half an hour goes by so I decide to call AAA and see if they can help us. Sure enough, AAA is able to help us and within 10 minutes they dispatch the help we need by sending us a toe truck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XIGRAHAMIX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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Scared my wife

walks up behind wife and startles her

"You scared me! I didn't know you were there!" she said.

Grinning from ear to ear, I replied "thats because I'm wearing my sneakers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumpy_Shat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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Can clever moms play too?

I was putting my clarinet on my closet shelf (the kind that has a rack for clothes attached), and the entire shelf collapsed, came out of the wall, and 2 trumpets in cases came down on top of me. Went to tell mom I broke my closet, said I was a bit shell-shocked and it startled the hell out of me. She said, "Don't you mean shelf-shocked?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hersheyboo03
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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I got dad joked by a 90 year old patient today

So there I was in the process of helping him walk back to his room. During the walk I happen to look over and he is grimacing in pain with a look of disgust. As a worried healthcare provider, I ask him,

"Patient, you look like you're in pain, how do you feel"?

Without skipping a beat, he looks up into my eyes and with a trembling voice through the pain he replies..

"with my hands"

I was taken aback, not realizing what had just happened to me. He then smiled and startled to chuckle, and only then did I realize I had just been had by a dad and started to laugh myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StankyHoodrat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2014
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Do not cut a hole in the ice.

An ice fisherman hauls his gear across the ice to his fishing spot. He puts his gear down and begins to cut his hole into the ice. A few seconds after he begins, he is startled by a booming, ominous voice;

"DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE."

He shrugs it off and decides he is clearly hearing things, so he resumes cutting his hole into the ice. A few seconds later, again;

"DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE."

Clearly he isn't hearing things and begins to feel a bit scared. He still needs to feed his family however, and so resumes his cutting. A third time he hears the voice;

"DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE."

This time he puts down his saw, looks to the sky and asks, "God? Is that you?"

"THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER. DO NOT CUT A HOLE IN THE ICE!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/evmag
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2014
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Forward from dad several years ago...

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctor01001010
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
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