Egocentric speciality fish mongers

sell fish pricks.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kid_Truism
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2017
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Special moment: giving my sun his first bath.
πŸ‘︎ 227
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcdofras
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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Seems the Weekend had compete creative control for the halftime special and brought in his own production team.

I guess Everybody's Working For the Weekend.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBCrew614
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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A person was arrested at the special Olympics.

The person was unarmed.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrVegano
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What profession do dogs specialize in?

Roofing

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Man_busch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend used to work for the forgeries division of INTERPOL with a specialization on the trafficking of fraudulent paintings.

He was an artificial art official.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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Why is Edam cheese so special?

Because it’s made backwards!

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hercules_ZH
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...

Expunge Bob

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeoffInNC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Christmas Eve is special because...

...it's one of the only day where tomorrow is the present day.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JHolden814
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing special tuna-ight
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs

Number 3 will shock you

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkRar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Star Trek Halloween Special
πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scaulbylausis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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What's the name of the relative who owns a shop that specializes in vintage items made from hardwood?

Aunt Teak.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EM_CEE_PEEPANTS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".

They were right. I should have waited until next week.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Why can't the bike ever get up on time?

Two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/realtjmusic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m starting a chiropractic business specializing in homeopathic & aromatherapy approaches...

Back & Body Hurts

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whoeatscheese
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A β€˜divine’ healer in his β€˜miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."

With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"

John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"

John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.

I think it was Scampoo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deceze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
10...9...My Dad was counting down. I asked why. 7...6... β€œBecause it’ll be 12:57, he said.” 5...4... β€œWhat’s so special about 12:57?” I asked.

It’s Three To One.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-think-Im-funny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Upon seeing a gorgeous girl at the party, I knew I had to meet her. So I approached and told her about a special-purpose ship designed to move and navigate through frozen waters, and provide safe waterways for other boats and ships.

I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
An eggstra special conversation
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MonkeyMan_Man
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted my first post here to be special

Special

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DontTouchMyCouch
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Auditoriums are specially designed so that sound will bounce around the walls and ceiling in order to be projected to the audience. However, if you place a pigeon on the stage, the coo of said pigeon will not bounce.

This is because of a-coo-sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 164
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nebulas-Entity
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks β€œwhy should I hire you?” The applicant responded β€œI have a special talent!”

β€œOh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.

The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.

At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!

β€œYou’re hired!!” He exclaimed.

The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.

The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.

A bystander asked β€œwho is he?”

The priest responded β€œI don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
It takes a second to understand- or I’m just special
πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacob_Young6138
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My special (cake) day was beautiful...

even the cake was in tiers!

had to do a (bad) dad joke for my cake day lol

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/purpleegg1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
These puns are special type of cheesy, Feta cheesy, that's why they are Greece-y.
πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamexceptional
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was all ready to host a limbo contest, but then I found out that someone stole my special limbo bar.

I mean, how low can you go?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I once went to a Hispanic restaurant that specialized in various exotic cheeses. I asked what was on the menu.

β€œβ€˜Kay, so...” the waiter started

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TotallyIneptWeeb
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The butcher backed up into his meat grinder

And as a result, he got a little behind in his work.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I hear they are making a new Star Trek movie about the crew stealing the Enterprise and going to a planet to search for a mythical spoon with tines...

It's Star Trek: The Search for Spork

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I want to give a special thanks to...

My hands for always staying by my side

My legs for helping me stand up

And my fingers because I could always count on them

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I have been diagnosed with special vision able to identify comic buffoonery and ridiculous humor...

...my optometrist just told me that I'm very farce-sighted.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
TIL that Starbucks makes special masks that let you drink through them.

The masks are called coughy filters.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chordus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Tho my son was going to start a petition to ban them, he slept on his specially built bed...

It was a boycot.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What's an Agatha Christie novel and Death in Paradise crossover special called?

Poirots of the Caribbean.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Too special imo.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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When Gandalf was asked why his company was so successful.

He gave all the credit to his incredible staff.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArcticTrek
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
With special guest star.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
β€œSpecial Mowing Unit”
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jennim5588
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I think there’s a special place in hell for my friend Dante, because he’s always trolling animal rights activists.

Dante’s in fur now.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently 'Viagra' is now available in powder form specially for tea. Well, it's not for enhancing your sexual libido................

.............. But it won't let your dipped biscuit 'Go Soft'

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What's a lawyer's favorite kind of underwear?

Briefs, but sports writers love boxers, and special forces soldiers go commando.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Waiter: "Would you like to hear today's Special?"

Customer: "Yes, please."

Waiter: "Today IS special. Very special."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmatlack1023
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report

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