What do you call a tree with no branches?

Dead

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dangergurl666
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My tree is very smart. At its current age, it understands all branches of mathematics. But when it was just a little sapling...

It only knew twigonometry

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/-taco-rice-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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2 cowboys were riding along and one saw a tree with bacon dangling from the branches. One called out saying "Look a Bacon Tree!" As they went closer to have a look they were confronted with a sky full of arrows. The other cowboy yelled:

This is no Bacon Tree, this is a Ham Bush.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 334
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/brendo20
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If money doesnโ€™t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 1k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GoldenEmerald67
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The best restrooms can be found inside of PNC Bank branches

You can 'PNC' what happens next

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Escalade1414
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who tried to glue tree branches together?

It wood glue but the branches wooden stick

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LoadTheBacon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?

Lettuce

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ugotshotintbewatnow
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Caught my dog eating branches that has fallen from a tree

His poos were really sticky.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/alii-b
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
"Hey beaver, do you want to help me pile these branches together?"

"Of course I damn would."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/viquor
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a prostitue that only works for law enforcement branches of the government?

Police Escort

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Seaweed_17
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the mathematician say when his arms turned into branches?

Geometry

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Serious1yJoking
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 08 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So two branches break off a tree...

and fall down, in the water, in the frogspawn. The first branch says: 'I feel so sticky...' The other says: 'Really? I just feel a tad pole...'

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/proborc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
There was a storm last night that knocked a bunch of leaves and branches off of trees...

...I guess nature really wanted to stick it to us...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AnnonPenguin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Just gonna leaf this here
๐Ÿ‘︎ 6k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/YourLocalRuncle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Daughter walked into a tree branch today

She said, "leaf me alone."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Alecdoconnor
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DementedOak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What military branch is an expert on belly buttons?

The Naval Corps.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/themoistimportance
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two branch managers
๐Ÿ‘︎ 90
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dat_1dude
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
TIL: Humans are born with four kidneys

When they grow up, two of them becomes adult knees

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Not_obnoxious
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man was beaten to death with a tree branch

It seems he wasn't very poplar, and is now deciduously less alive. If he returns from the dead, he'll definitely be pining for revenge.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Hello_Hurricane
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I finally realized why trees donโ€™t have teeth.

Turns out, theyโ€™re all bark and no bite.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/assafstone
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Just saw two birds stuck together on a branch of a tree...

...A pair of Velcrows obviously.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the tree cross the street?

They were opening a new branch on the other side

๐Ÿ‘︎ 24
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/scarcityflow
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The bank want to repossess my tree house. They say I haven't kept up my mortgage payments....

I'm convinced it's a mix up from when I moved branches.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Iโ€™m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground...

She immediately raised it above her head and said, โ€œThis is a stick up!โ€

(Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MiguelPopsicle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I donโ€™t trust trees

Theyโ€™re pretty shady

๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'm really proud of this work. Branching out into a new field here.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 110
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ericn8886
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I canโ€™t believe a branch ripped our tent.

Itโ€™s tearable.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TT8L
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why wouldn't the Republicans impeach Donald Trump?

They insist on bringing a baby to full term.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 220
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Pcwils1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the soda-covered branch have lots of friends?

He was a fanta-stick buddy.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/someoneslostrock
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the branch say when he robbed a bank?

This is a STICK-up!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gremelinn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If Pete Buttigieg wins the election, he'll be the first person to move from the judicial branch to the executive.

(Booty Judge)

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/powermad47
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the tree do when the bank was closed?

Started its own branch.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Imholt11
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I just got a pet tree

Itโ€™s just like a pet dog, only the bark is quieter.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 79
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lemondigitech
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A lorry full of christmas trees have been stolen.

Police admit they are stumped.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tiger7971
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.โ€
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/specklesinc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What did the ninth branch of the tree say to the third branch ?

You are my root

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Fakipo2
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Two caterpillars are escaping a spider...

They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped.

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar, and he quickly chews through the branch. It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and steers the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's amazing!" says the second caterpillar. "How in the world are you doing that?!"

The first caterpillar scoffs. "Am I the only one in the whole damn forest who knows how to drive a stick?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 175
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KairuSmairukon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A once saw a hawk fall off a branch.

Boy, was that hawkward.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/labink
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The second meme I've ever made. Not sure if I should stick with it.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 507
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Coorotaku
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What do you call a tree with it's branch cut off?

An ampu-tree.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rogue_Professor
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Did you hear about the woman who was charged with illegally culling trees?

She was arrested by The Special Branch.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dulfuckyourself
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, โ€œDarling, don't you think itโ€™s time to tell him heโ€™s adopted?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 147
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
๐Ÿ‡ฎ๐Ÿ‡น
๐Ÿ‘︎ 90
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SlovenianGregor
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?

The Air Force, because they're US AF.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Noir_Reaper
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I got promoted at my job and my new office is up in a tree house.

I am a branch manager.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 158
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FinalCaveat
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Smithmonkey98
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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