An alco-y’all-ic.
We were over at my dad's sister's house (We'll call her Sophie) My dad asked us (My sister and I): "Do you know whose house are we at?" My sister: "Aint Sophie's" Dad: "Well then whose is it?"
Me: Facepalm with slight chuckle
It's a Languedoc.
A yawl.
An Au-stralian
Mum : you're the daym doctor and this wasn't funny the first time
It was called the VoreTex-as.
Because normal comfort just tastes like fabric softener!
Me: Daddy I’m thirsty!
My dad: Hi thirsty I’m Fridy lets go Saturdy and get a Sundy.
I’m sure it’s not original but it makes me laugh to think of how I was making my dad insane asking for a DRIIINNNKKK and he would always come back with this.
I told her she is my favorite ding-dong.
It was Erie.
To summarize:
He's never gonna give you Up
Never gonna lend you Down
Never gonna run around, and dessert you.
Barkinsaw
A Philly cheapskate
Daughter: What are summer teeth?
Me: Well. Summer there. But some ain't.
Dr. Ink has dubbed these 'Monkey Bars'.
U.C.L.A.
The doctor asks "why are you dressed like that?"
"If I'm going to be impotent, I want to look impotent."
Diet?
What in 'Carnation??
I said "about 500".
Texan said: "I can get in my truck and drive all day and never get off my property!"
I said:"yeah, I had a truck like that."
What incarnation?!?
Hush-puppies
They have much Toulouse.
As if they had nothing Toulouse.
Cause they can't decide who's responsible for opening the doors.
Everyone was like ”Sweet home, Obama”
Then there’s me over here, “I guess tree names were poplar. “
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
...I heard that was a great school."
My wife groaned the rest of the drive to her parents house. Also, I'm not a dad but I think I'm ready.
Because she's a Southern Belle
A tree feller
A collared green shirt!
"I have no eye deer."
There was a boy who was the first in his family to go down the mountain to high school. After the first day, his pappy asked him what he learned. B - Well, pa, there's this subject called mathematics. D - OK, say something in mathematics for me. B - Pi r square! D - You won't be going back to high school no more. Everybody knows pie are round. Cobbler are square.
A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol -Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.
So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here.
Oh, the weather outside is crazy
Like a film from Martin Scorsese
The rain will fall and the wind will blow
El niño, el niño, el niño
It doesn’t show signs of stopping
My shirt and pants are sopping
Oh, where did that umbrella go
El niño, el niño, el niño
Weather patterns don’t seem right
Southern Cal is all a storm
The marine layer and all of its might
All because the Pacific is warm
The fear of fire is now subsiding
our thoughts turn to mudsliding
Down the hillside our houses flow
El niño, el niño, el niño
A Northern fairytale begins with "Once upon a time..." A Southern fairytale begins with"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit!"
