When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
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︎ Sep 21 2020
A dad and son drove by a golf course next to a few houses the son asked βwhat happens if the ball lands in the houseβ
The dad said βitβs a home-in-oneβ
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︎ Nov 14 2020
My 7-year old son constantly insists that I use my ballet skills around the house...
He really keeps me on my toes.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
After my sonβs team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
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︎ Jan 11 2020
My son wants a porcupine with no quills as a house pet.
I said, βThatβs completely pointless.β
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︎ Aug 25 2020
My son asked me today what do you call a damaged horse house?
Unstable.
Fair play have to hand it to him.. he got me.
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︎ Jul 05 2020
βͺMy son asked me to go into the house so he can tell me something funny...β¬
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︎ Jun 19 2020
My son says I can't leave the house on a skateboard made out of a human leg.
But I'm going out on a limb and do it anyway.
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︎ Jan 15 2020
My son keeps trying to swim inside the house... So I came up with this idea that Iβm starting to feel REALLY GOOD about.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 09 2019
Today me and my wife caught our son burning down a house
We held each other's hand and said "that's arson"
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︎ May 03 2019
My son Brary told me that books can no longer be borrowed from the book house.
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︎ Oct 14 2019
Son: We should have a house warming party Dad.
Dad: (Moving to block the thermostat) a what now?
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︎ Nov 05 2019
Someone else's son is in my house...
Me: Son, your bath is ready!
Son: I'm just getting my toys!
Me: Oh... Hello just getting my toys, if you see my son can you tell him his bath's ready?
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︎ Nov 05 2019
"I make the rules in this house, son. You're going to have to listen to me for the rest of your life."
"You mean for the rest of your life, dad."
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︎ Aug 28 2019
My 3yr old son told me there was a real dinosaur in the house! So we spent the morning looking for it when we saw a tail around the corner, but it was just a fossil-arm.
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︎ Jan 22 2019
My son said it was getting cold in our house....
I said " Go stand in the corner to warm up, it's 90 degrees."
π︎ 8
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︎ May 16 2019
Son: Dad, can kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Dad: Of course, son. Houses cannot jump.
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︎ Jul 17 2018
Today I came to visit my mom's house, and I saw my son sleeping there. Seems she took him without me knowing.
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︎ Jan 10 2019
Dad: I canβt believe you bought me a house! Son: Youβre welcome. How do you like it?
Dad: Iβm going to live in the present.
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︎ Jan 29 2019
My son like to play hopscotch outside in front of the house with his friends
But in my driveway is where I draw the line!
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︎ Jan 20 2019
This was for my HP superfan son: Where do students in Slytherin House get their school supplies?
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︎ Aug 01 2018
My son said he never wants to leave the house.
I didn't even know they were dating.
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︎ Aug 20 2018
My 3 year old son got the daycare lady with this one the other day while talking about spending the weekend with my parents at their lake house.
Daycare Lady: "does your Grandpa have a house on the lake?"
Son (with a serious face): "no his house is on the grass."
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︎ Jul 04 2017
What did the Buffalo say to his son as he was leaving the house?
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︎ Aug 31 2017
My son ran in the house and exclaimed that he'd seen a bee outside
Me: Did it sting you?
Son: No
Me: Well at least it bee hived itself
Son: Daaaaaaddd, that is not funny
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︎ Feb 21 2016
Brother is explaining to his son why there are different street names and numbers on houses
"It's so the mail men, or female men, can find your house and deliver your things"
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︎ Sep 28 2015
"What have I always told you about drugs in this house, son?!"
"Make sure you have enough for me!"
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︎ Oct 09 2013
My son wants a porcupine without quills as a house pet.
I said, βThatβs completely pointless.β
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︎ Nov 29 2019
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