I snuck up behind my daughter and whispered, "I think our microwave and our TV are spying on us!!! And I also think our vacuum cleaner..."

"...has been gathering dirt on us for years!"

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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A man suspected his wife was hard of hearing so he decided to do an experiment. The man snuck up behind his wife and said, β€œHoney, can you hear me?” No response. He went a little closer and said a little louder, β€œHoney, can you hear me?” Still no response. So he went right beside her ear, yelling,

β€œHoney, can you hear me!?” She turned around and shouted, β€œFor the third time, yes I can hear you!”

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gho5ly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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Last night, me and the boys snuck onto the farm and went around feeding the cows $5 bills.

I do love me some cow tipping.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toxic_Gorilla
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?

A sew-away!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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Snuck a photo of my neighbors pond

It was a koi move

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuzet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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Have you heard the one about when the burglar snuck on the roof?

Me neither, he snuck very quietly

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erikjb12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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got pun? 10yr old daughter snuck this on to the milk jug in our refrigerator imgur.com/tbP6spD
πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2013
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I snuck the topping onto my son's pancakes this morning.

I did it syrup-titiously.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alficles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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A fox snuck into the chicken coup last night and killed them all...

Authorities were unsure whether to label it a coup d'etat or a henocide...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaelessin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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My mom snuck a good one in this morning.

I walk out to the car on the way to work, forgot my keys, so I run back inside. Mom looks up and asks what I forgot. I said, 'keys!' As I hurry past her in the kitchen. Without skipping a beat she replies " well you know those are a KEY factor in getting to work?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drLeoSpacceman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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Dad slyly snuck this in and thought no one heard him...

Me: Did you guys take any pictures back then? (Asking about my parents in the 70's and 80's)

Mom: No, I don't think so... we didn't have a camera.

Me: Was this before cameras were a thing?

Dad: Nah, it was B.C. Before cameras.

And I got so mad I almost smothered him with a pillow

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickems
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2015
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My dad snuck this one in during lunch this afternoon

Me: I just finished a book about Prohibition, and it was pretty interesting.

Dad: I read the same book-it was pretty dry.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BudBill18
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2015
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia

She looked up and quietly replied, β€œthey’re right behind you.”

πŸ‘︎ 588
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BumbledTheBees
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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We were building a sandcastle on an Oregon beach...

And a big wave snuck up on us. We ran quickly, leaving behind a shovel. I exclaimed β€œthe ocean took your shovel!”

My son: β€œWhich one?”

β€œ...Well, the Pacific...”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cryogenicist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling. Some were considered prime suspects in 9’s death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well. 6 snuck into 7’s house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly inappropriate position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9’s body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9. 6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

πŸ‘︎ 734
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlJo27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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[Long] The king and queen of Fruitlandia had a son named Melon.

One day, Melon met a girl named Cantaloupe. She was very sweet to him. They fell in love quickly, but his father didn’t approve because she was a peasant. You see, the king wanted Melon to marry the princess of Veggieland, Broccoli. The king banned Melon and Cantaloupe from seeing each other ever again.

However, the young lovers were determined to see each other. Every Sunday, Cantaloupe snuck into Melon’s room. They would stay up till midnight with each other. This went on for many years.

Meanwhile, the king was arranging Melon’s marriage with Broccoli. He was prepared to pay every expense to make the wedding excellent for PR. However, the night before Melon was to be married, the king found out about his meeting with Cantaloupe! He made Melon swear a Royal Oathβ€”an unbreakable promiseβ€”to marry Broccoli the next day and never see Cantaloupe again after that.

That night, when Cantaloupe visited, Melon admitted what had happened. She begged him to run off with her and get married, but he refused.

β€œI love you, but I swore a Royal Oath. I’m sorry, dear, but I Cantaloupe.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
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We were making home made soup the other night...

And I snuck into the kitchen to take this picture for the sole purpose of taking it back to my girlfriend to say with an exasperated sigh, "Ugh, would you just look at this stock photo..."

She hated me for the rest of the night as I sat there giggling like a madman, way too pleased that she didn't figure it out before I showed it to her. When I told my dad, it entirely derailed his train of thought as he started laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/L337Cthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
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On the way home

So I was getting a ride home from a friend, and as she was driving through my neighborhood she realized that every single turn was a left turn (I'd actually never noticed it before). Then I snuck in a dad joke. The conversation went something like this:

Her: "Wow, there's a lot of left turns

Me: "Don't worry, when you leave, everything will turn out alright."

...and she actually laughed

πŸ‘︎ 99
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirFwissel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2016
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Let me tell you a story about making wise choices...

In high school my very best friend and I snuck out and went looking for fun. We were really fired up and he hurried ahead and ran straight into the nearest bar. Luckily, I had the good sense to duck.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopoldLoeb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2016
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My dad's favorite spooky Halloween joke

My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it.

Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story.

My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs.

At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no someone. It looked like it was the murderer! A crazed man with an axe!

We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop.

Tom was stuck! I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back! He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg!

Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheG-What
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
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