I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
I used to be addicted to snorting washing powder
Why was the man snorting flies
I tried snorting coke once,
but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose!
I saw an article about people snorting chocolate powder for a rush.
Did you hear about the two men who snorted curry powder instead of cocaine?
One of them has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.
I knew a drug addict that was so desperate for a high he snorted curry powder. Got really ill and taken to hospital.
He was put in an induced korma.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:
You can hide, but you can’t run.
What did the man say when he got asked out by 10 women in one day?
The battle raged on for almost a yarrr
My friend says that he regularly snorts an ingredient for soap...
I could tell he was lye-ing.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it in the office
It was a twerk place injury
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey"...
... died peacefully at age 83. The most traumatic part both for his family and the funeral home was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... And then the trouble started.
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
What do you call it when you dance to a Cardi B song in zumba class?
This guy walks into a bar...
He has a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at him and says “Dude, why do you have a a pig under your arm?”
The guy says “in case I want a quick snort!”
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
The term “grammar nazi” is insensitive...
...we prefer to be referred to as “comma-kazes”
You need exactly 239 beans to make Irish soup because if you add one more it becomes too farty.
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
What happens when you put a plant in a square?
It dies.
Why?
It loses its root
What Donald Ducks drug of choice?
I couldn’t decide how much lettuce to buy, but my wife helped me think through it.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
scientists have inserted the gene for THC into yams
they can now grow baked potatoes
Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?
ICU baby, shaking that ass
From r/memes, fits here too
Will glass coffins become popular?
The first rule of world domination is to always capitalize on your enemies mistakes
My I.T. co-worker got new shoes
Are U2 Irish?
My dad, sister and I were driving home the other night when a U2 song came on the radio. He asked us if we knew what the song was about (Sunday Bloody Sunday). I knew, and mentioned it's unfortunate source. My sister then asks from the back seat "Are U2 Irish?" to which my dad responds "Nope! We're Canadian!" and then begins laughing so hard that he is practically in tears and snorting. He didn't stop for a good 2 or 3 minutes. My sister and I just shook our heads slowly.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist."
Have you ever seen a Himalayan opossum?
I saw one on the way home. Himalayan in the street.
My coworker said we should think of cocaine puns on the job.
I said, "That's snort a good idea."
My dad told me that back in the day, there was a silent movie parody of Sherlock Holmes called “Coke Ennyday”.
And I said, “Isn’t that a bit on the nose?”
Why didn't I have a New Years kiss?
I don't kiss on the first date.
After being in a hotel for a week...
I might give it a lot of shit...
But I love our home toilet.
Got one of the largest eye rolls ever from my wife. And a "you're just like your father".
You shouldn't snort coke
You'll get ice cubes stuck in your nose.
I snorted curry powder once.
It nearly put me in a korma.
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