I used to think toking weed and snorting lines of coke made me a cool guy

but it was all just smoke and mirrors.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be addicted to snorting washing powder

Luckily I'm clean now

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brennik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the man snorting flies

To get a buzz

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ganoosh101
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I tried snorting coke once,

but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/minetruly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw an article about people snorting chocolate powder for a rush.

They wanted a Quik high.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fluidlikewater
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two men who snorted curry powder instead of cocaine?

One of them has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chainsmoker88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I knew a drug addict that was so desperate for a high he snorted curry powder. Got really ill and taken to hospital.

He was put in an induced korma.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDobble
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can’t run.

πŸ‘︎ 341
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reddit_reddit03
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the man say when he got asked out by 10 women in one day?

Sorry, wrong bathroom.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EliteCombatWombat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I snorted at this one
πŸ‘︎ 128
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CREEPONATER
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The battle raged on for almost a yarrr
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Davebelieves
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend says that he regularly snorts an ingredient for soap...

I could tell he was lye-ing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I hurt my bottom after shaking it in the office

It was a twerk place injury

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."

The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearless-Gas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I like telling dad jokes

Sometimes he laughs

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/midnighthunder0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey"...

... died peacefully at age 83. The most traumatic part both for his family and the funeral home was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in... And then the trouble started.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Two artists had an art contest. How did it end?

It ended in a draw.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/entangled_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.

This is because they're filled with anty bodies.

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/four12pls8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you dance to a Cardi B song in zumba class?

Cardi O

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakevh28
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy walks into a bar...

He has a pig under his arm. The bartender looks at him and says β€œDude, why do you have a a pig under your arm?”

The guy says β€œin case I want a quick snort!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TTBoy44
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do some people post long jokes here?

This isn't where they be long.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The term β€œgrammar nazi” is insensitive...

...we prefer to be referred to as β€œcomma-kazes”

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lilgobblin
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
You need exactly 239 beans to make Irish soup because if you add one more it becomes too farty.
πŸ‘︎ 208
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream

I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.

πŸ‘︎ 218
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Demonazzzz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Check hairlines
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KillmongerXX
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Be a great parent
πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChillCosby21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2017
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put a plant in a square?

It dies.

Why?
It loses its root

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/good_haircut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What Donald Ducks drug of choice?

Quack cocain

πŸ‘︎ 319
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I couldn’t decide how much lettuce to buy, but my wife helped me think through it.

Turns out two heads are better than one.

πŸ‘︎ 211
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Just say no
πŸ‘︎ 204
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/inebriusmaximus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
🚨︎ report
scientists have inserted the gene for THC into yams

they can now grow baked potatoes

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Excuse me, doctor - my husband was rushed in with violent spasms in his buttocks. Where is he please?

ICU baby, shaking that ass

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CPike90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
🚨︎ report
From r/memes, fits here too
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Expre55o
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Will glass coffins become popular?

Remains to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 222
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ravireads
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
The first rule of world domination is to always capitalize on your enemies mistakes

ON YOUR ENEMIES MISTAKES

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
My I.T. co-worker got new shoes

He rebooted himself

πŸ‘︎ 302
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrToastyToast
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Are U2 Irish?

My dad, sister and I were driving home the other night when a U2 song came on the radio. He asked us if we knew what the song was about (Sunday Bloody Sunday). I knew, and mentioned it's unfortunate source. My sister then asks from the back seat "Are U2 Irish?" to which my dad responds "Nope! We're Canadian!" and then begins laughing so hard that he is practically in tears and snorting. He didn't stop for a good 2 or 3 minutes. My sister and I just shook our heads slowly.

πŸ‘︎ 771
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DanBMan
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2015
🚨︎ report
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist."

Their words not mine.

πŸ‘︎ 149
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deepfriedtwix
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you ever seen a Himalayan opossum?

I saw one on the way home. Himalayan in the street.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jhabibs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
🚨︎ report
My coworker said we should think of cocaine puns on the job.

I said, "That's snort a good idea."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad told me that back in the day, there was a silent movie parody of Sherlock Holmes called β€œCoke Ennyday”.

And I said, β€œIsn’t that a bit on the nose?”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Why didn't I have a New Years kiss?

I don't kiss on the first date.

πŸ‘︎ 326
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RorariiRS
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
🚨︎ report
After being in a hotel for a week...

I might give it a lot of shit...

But I love our home toilet.

Got one of the largest eye rolls ever from my wife. And a "you're just like your father".

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FearNoBeer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2014
🚨︎ report
You shouldn't snort coke

You'll get ice cubes stuck in your nose.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/j1ggy
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I snorted curry powder once.

It nearly put me in a korma.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Travis_Cheesman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What do ducks smoke?

Quack.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiny_fraction
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report

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