A pot to hiss in.
πŸ‘︎ 194
πŸ‘€︎ u/bignick1190
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyrenes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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What do you call a snake without a hiss?

A nake.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/Empty_String
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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My pet snake requests hiss little chocolate-nougat treats by name


πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
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Fridge noise

Our refrigerator makes a hissing noise when the freezer is defrosting. Yesterday my son said, β€œThe fridge stopped hissing at me.”

I said, β€œI think it’s finally accepted you as a member of the pack. You’re officially cool.”

He turned away from me so I wouldn’t see him laughing. I count it as a win.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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I can’t stand my daughter’s 🐍.

It really hisses me off.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/wardsmith_82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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I did the Macarena, the Mashed Potato, the Funky Chicken and had my young daughter absolutely rolling over with laughter. My wife had a face like thunder though and hissed…

"Get off my mother's grave, NOW!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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A snake walks into a bar

The bartender says β€œHow did you do that?”

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ‘€︎ u/iyxnoluwa
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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My friend who is a snake charmer is marrying an undertaker.

I bought them some 'Hiss and Hearse' towels as a wedding gift.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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How do you get a cat to stop hissing?

You give it a antiHISStamine.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/kilour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
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A sheep, drum, and snake fall of a cliff.


πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xenonthewizlard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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Hissed at for this one

Last night I arrived home a bit later than usual. Me and the lads wanted to go home after work for some drinks, but I told the Mrs. I had to stay late to do some work.

She heard through the grapevine that I was, in fact, out at the pub and not working late.

I get home and she calls me a snake for sneaking around and not telling her, to which I drunkenly reply...

"Well, you don't have to be so anacondascending about it"

...Almost slept on the couch

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/4licks
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2016
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What do you call a warning given out by a rattlesnake?

A cautionary tail.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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What gift did the snakes get from their wedding registry?

Hiss and her bath towels

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/jstockmoe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Laundry puns
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/conoconocon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Don't throw a snake like a boomerang.

It'll come back to bite you.

πŸ‘︎ 214
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Why are snakes so quiet when sucking on a cough drop?

Because of the anti-HISS-tamine

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/citrusguy9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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What happened to the cobra comedian when it bombed on stage?

It got hissed off.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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What did the inflatable teacher say at the inflatable school, to the inflatable student who was holding a pin?

You let me down, you let the school down, you let your friends down but most importantly, you let yourself down.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vintage2000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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What's a snake's favorite chart?

A hiss-togram

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/skp777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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If a mortician and a snake get married, what will their towels say?

Hiss and Hearse

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/RCubed111
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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What do you give to an angry cat?


πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/difficultcarrot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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Disaster at the Los Angeles zoo today

when the snake pit was accidentally filled in. The zoo keeper said "it's terrible terrible news, now the snakes don't even have a pit to hiss in.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mosvicious
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
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100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • That’s all => Cat’s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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What ethnicity are you when you’re running from a snake?


πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/dis_newt02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2018
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Someone released a snake on a set of steps...

It was hiss-stair-ical!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mondonodo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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What do you call a group of snakes with anxiety?


πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
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There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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Got my girlfriend to groan really loud with this one

We were talking about her cat and it went something like this:

Me: Is your cat spayed?
Her: Yep, poor Tubbie (the cat's name) has no uterus.
Me: Really? I thought they would have just tied her tubes instead of giving her a full "Hiss-terectomy"
Her: Groans for days

I am not yet a dad but one day I think I'll be decent at it.

Edit: formatting

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joeisthinking
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2014
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Instant Message Excerpt:

This is from an actual IM chat I had with someone a while back. This was all on impulse. Nothing was planned.

ME: The main reason you want a strong lock is not because they're unbreakable, but because your neighbor should be the easier target.

HIM: Ayup. Although if you want an impenetrable lock, might I recommend Benson's Black Hole Vaults?

ME: I'd want to be able to get my stuff out, again, too.

HIM: Wait long enough. It'll evaporate out.

ME: ... in the same state in which I deposited it in the vault.

HIM: Don't want much, do you?

ME: I could try to sell the stuff in its evaporated state ... But I don't like hawking radiation.


πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2015
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My girlfriend will be a better dad than I

My girlfriend works at a Veterinary clinic and was talking to her co-worker about her cat, which she had boarded at the clinic the night before.

Their conversation goes as follows:

CW- I'm pretty sure your cat hates me... GF- nah, she's just grumpy sometime CW- I'm pretty sure she does, she kept hissing at me when I'd go by her cage Gf- oh trust me, she just likes throwing hissy-fits CW- walks away

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2016
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Snake walks into a bar...

Bartender says, "How'd you do that?"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/AStarkFan
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.

Baa dum hiss

πŸ‘︎ 160
πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Name_Is_Left
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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What do you call a sheep mixed with a drum mixed with a snake

Baa, dum, hiss

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Im_joe-king
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.

Baa dum hiss

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Name_Is_Left
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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Sad to hear about the snake pit at the zoo that was shut down

Now they don't even have a pit to hiss in

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skabonious
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2017
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