My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...

"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustardbyname
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.

I think he’s going through a rough patch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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I woke up this morning and saw my neighbor slumped over his lawn mower, crying his eyes out.

He was growing through a rough patch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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β€œDad, when you were in college, what was your position on marijuana?”

Dad: Slumped in a beanbag chair, mostly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Just 5 minutes ago to my wife...

There was a loud noise from the dining room. I walk in to see my wife slumped over the table. She answers my inquisitive look with "I just clocked my knee."

"How fast was it going?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AngryBaldWhiteMan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
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Teacher Told Us a Dad joke in Class Today

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wall-mart grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Wall-mart."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisisCarl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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I saw my dad slumped over the lawn mower, crying his eyes out, so I yelled, "Are you ok?!"

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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My father just posted this on Facebook.

MURDER AT COSTCO STORE

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this.........)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 Costco

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fluffyxsama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
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