So I moved 6 miles away.
It's the 90 second Academy Awards.
But now they have a lot of violins
Big Farmer
They ran out of paper towels.
Their Bam-boo.
It's not like I did something
Why, you have just found the Pie-rates of the Caribbean.
I know my wife loves a boo-K.
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room... She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
It was a ground-breaking invention
They really are fucking heroes
Dad, here in this magazine it is written that masturbation significantly weakens sight. Is it true? He replies: Read for me. I can’t find my glasses anywhere.
Entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
After a brief explanation of what 420 is, my dad responded with:
So it's the pot smoker's cocktail hour.
It's the pottail hour.
e-Bae
They both mean allot to me.
Because the more mass they have, the more they matter.
Fed-Ex
Me: what did the Ocean say to the other Ocean?
Her: What?
Me: Nothing they just waved... Sea what I did there?
Her: groans* I hate you (jokingly)
Me: Why are you so salty about it? don't be such a beach.
EDIT: she actually laughed pretty hard after that.
She's my significant other mother.
Braise the Red Lanternfish
Significant udder
It's a significant body of work.
I think they're significant figures.
Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.
To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.
I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.
Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.
You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.
The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.
The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.
Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.
Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.
But so far, I've quit cold turkey.
Xboxer
I was describing to my family a weed I'd found in the garden, which had a "strong herbal smell." My daughter (3), who loves to joke about words, grinned and said, "Turtle smell?"
My mother, to engage with her, said, "How does a turtle smell?"
My father and I answered in perfect unison: "With its nose!"
It felt like a significant moment in my growth as a dad.
Why would you want >1 significant other yelling at you for loading the dishwasher wrong?
Their significant figure.
My favorite memory of my parents is going to some...
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/ar90mx/whats_the_dumbest_thing_your_significant_other/eglz2pb?utm_source=reddit-android
A significant portion of them would drown
"...my statistically significant other."
