Why didn't the criminal use their turn signal?

They were trying to go straight!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VerbalAcrobatics
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, can you see if my turn signals are working?

Dad: YES... no...YES...no...YES...no...

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/curtcurtcurt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The youngest girl in our family wants to be a male semiconductor device for amplifying, controlling, and generating electrical signals when she grows up.

She's my trans sister

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I have this disease where I can’t stop signaling to planes for help.

The doctor told me my symptoms are flaring up.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Who do you go see when you've got no signal in the waiting room?

The receptionist

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HeftyPackage
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My cell signal always drops when I work the front desk at work and I can't get calls.

Bad reception.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/melmia88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I never thought my son would steal road signals

But when I got home all the signs were there

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oleolesp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.

Just dont put it your back pocket.

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Squirrel_MD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
This tree is giving me mixed signals
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yashT19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Signal's up
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Da_MeMe_KING_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Hand Signals
πŸ‘︎ 256
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rez97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I was going to make a joke about weak phone signal...

But it would get a bad reception

πŸ‘︎ 338
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BD8D
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2017
🚨︎ report
My husband suggested we get a repeater to improve our router signal...

Me: A what?

Him: A repeater.

Me: dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin

Him: Oh my god.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/misscharl0tte
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
🚨︎ report
This one gave me a good chuckle
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Emmet_Brown
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
If I were a cop I would ticket people for not using their turn signals

Left and right

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OddZenn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Just witnessed a septic cleaning truck use the left lane for a right turn, using no signal, and then proceeded to drive 10 miles under the speed limit...

Turns out he was a shit driver..

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bluecaddy5000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Why doesnt matthew mcconaughey's lincoln have a left turn signal?

Because it goes all right all right all right

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/threecheers4jim
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I was on holiday in a picturesque rural lake area, got stressed at the lack of 4G and 3G signal though.

I was on EDGE there.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YorkshireRiffer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife volunteers as a school crossing guard.

I tell everyone she’s into human trafficking.

πŸ‘︎ 798
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Back then when cars didn't have turn signals, what did it mean when a girl had her arm out the window?

That the window is down.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LICK_THE_BUTTER
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad told me my turn signal light was broken today

"Wait, it's working again. Now it's not. Now it's fine. Now it's not."

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amnesiajune
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
🚨︎ report
How does Ryu signal forfeit?
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pjaskjin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
🚨︎ report
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.

Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How did Palpatine talk to Kylo Ren before episode 9?

Snoke Signals

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilTheGerbil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know what makes me cross?

When the signal changes to a man walking.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend just called me up and told me that we were breaking up.

I went outside and the signal improved.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Batman use his cellphone?

Because he's always got a bat signal!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/metroidfan220
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...

...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
That's what I call a stop and go
πŸ‘︎ 201
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/that_guy_Peebles
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Laying in a hospital bed when my Dad dropped this one on me...

Just finished getting an electrocardiogram when my dad and I had this conversation.

Dad: "What did they do to you?"

Me: "E-C-G, Electrocardiogram."

Dad: "Isn't that an E-K-G?"

Me: "I don't know, I thought it was an E-C-G."

Dad: "So, if E-C-G and E-K-G are both for electrocardiogram, what the hell is an E-G-G?"

Me: "I have no idea."

Dad: "It's an egg, you idiot."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GQuesnelle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2014
🚨︎ report
An Ant is lying in its death bed in North Korea.

He calls his son and says he wanted to tell him something for a long time.

Son Ant : What is it dad?

Father Ant : I cannot say that in this god forbidden country we have to move immediately to France or Italy before i am dead.

Confused,the Son Ant made arrangements to move to France.They boarded a spy ship which took them to south Korea.From there they boarded a flight to France.With great difficulty they finally reached France.The father ant's health became worse.The son ant was thinking what was so important that they had to move to another country, So when they settled in their new home he finally asked..

Son Ant : Dad, We are in France now you can tell whatever you were going to tell me. The Father could not speak up so he signaled his son to come closer.The son did.

Father Ant: Son, We are now Europeants.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoOne77492
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I had a girl check me out yesterday!

She was hot but I didn't catch her signal until it was too late when she handed me my receipt and said "Have a nice day".

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NairodI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My students are catching on...

Today I took a class out onto the oval to investigate the strength of radio signals in different situations. For one, we wrapped a radio in foil and as I was unwrapping it a student commented that they hoped there was food inside.

I finished opening it and said 'oh man, it's a radio - mum must really hate me' to which another student replied 'I know, it's not even a ham radio...'

Was so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/D-Nizzle
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2014
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend managed to dadjoke me

We were Skyping, and I was trying to figure out the delay between the audio and the video. I said "ping", as I often do when this issue occurs, and she replies "ping" back to signal when she heard me. Sometimes, when she doesn't do it the first time, it gets confusing and I don't know which one she is responding to.

So I switched my word to "taco" in the hopes that it'd break the cycle. No go. She goofed it again.

When I said "I give up", she said "Wait! Let's taco 'bout this."

I love that girl.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phonyhomeless
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2014
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I rear ended a dwarf in a mini...

He hopped out, waddled over, and signalled me to wind down my window.

As the window came down, red in the face he yelled β€œI AM NOT HAPPY!”

To which I replied, β€œWell which one are you then?”

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Seshimus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Asked if my indicators were working

dad responded: yes, no, yes, no.

πŸ‘︎ 172
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rob_was_here
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2013
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

He couldn't get a signal on his phone and GPS wouldn't work to tell him how to get there.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king...

An ancient Babylonian general was involved in a plot to overthrow the king. But, the plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail.

The general managed to escape and he fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away to meet his followers. Unfortunately, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure his men would find the right one. So, the fugitive general lit a small fire to signal them.

The other generals of the king's army saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and they rushed over and killed him.

The moral of the story?

The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notyourreality
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Important safety warning!

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding.

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day.

The moral of the story? WARNING: The searching general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LinkBrokeMyPots
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the poop cut off the fart?

He forgot to use his turd signal.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imconservative
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the antenna wedding?

The ceremony was ok, but the reception was amazing.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2015
🚨︎ report
I once tried to date a girl who was deaf and dyslexic

But she was always sending mixed signals

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureAMuenster
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report
My smart aleck 16 year old son got me with this one the other night

Driving home from his football game and I change lanes without signaling

Him: Hey you didn't use your turn signal, you could've killed us!

Me: But I didn't, and that's what counts...

Him: No, it's the thought that counts, and I thought you were gonna' kill us

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jrafferty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Do you know what makes me cross?

When the signal changes to a man walking.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.