Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
I'm filming a new documentary about the governor of the Roman province of Judaea, serving under Emperor Tiberius...
We're currently filming the Pilate.
TIFU by accidentally serving a customer an underwater vehicle at my local Subway...
I had the pleasure of serving under one of the calmest commanders in the US Army
General Anesthesia always helped put internal disputes to bed.
My son thinks it's getting to me when he complains about me serving his scrambled eggs with a spoon.
But, I just don't give a fork.
My great-grandfather was a GI before serving in the RAF,
My other friend (the one not mentioned previously) got wind of a brand new invention for serving frozen confections...
It was an ice cream scoop.
Did you hear about Five Guys restaurants not serving women anymore?
Apparently they fired one guy, so now it's Four Guys only.
Bust out the 808 (mg sodium per serving?)
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
Why are some people bad at serving tea?
I love to cook spaghetti, but am really bad at serving... it's a real mission in-pasta-bowl.
I really noodle get better at it.
What do you call your son when he gets a job serving food at Carl’s Jr.?
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Did you hear about the priest that had to stop serving red meat at his sermons?
It was a separation of church and steak
Did you hear about the president's new favorite bakery? It's only serving treats with red, white, and blue frosting.
All the other ones were un-pastry-otic.
My brother asked me to cater his wedding. He wants over 200 servings of roasted lamb chops.
Ain't nobody got thyme for that
This guy is serving hot dogs and dad-jokes
It's late at night and me and some friends went to get some hot dogs. There's a group of girls in there complaining that they lost their phone. One of the girls says to the guy taking orders
"Can you call me a cab?"
"You're a cab. Now what?"
Everyone else was laughing except for the people who wanted a cab.
While mom was serving dessert...
Me: "what kind of cake is it?"
Mom: "a date cake."
Dad: "does that mean there's Viagra in it?!"
"Chipotle is going to stop serving some of its pork because of the bad treatment of pigs? Doesn't matter. Those pigs are bread to die"
Those pigs aren't bread, they're pork.
While serving dinner...
My dad would give me a scoop of green peas and then say, "Ha ha! I just pea-d on your plate and your gonna eat it!"
Upon serving his grilled meats....
"Don't dare get any of this on your forehead, your tongue will beat your brains out trying to get to it". For 20 years I have hoped for a new joke, at least the meats are tasty.
Made my dad proud when serving mother's day dinner
Dad: This is mom hands me moms plate with dinner on it
Me: No, that's a plate.
We've been trying to get our daily servings of vegetables in...
When my dad got home from work my little brother said, "I ate a whole carrot today!"
Dad said "a whole carrot?! that must have been hard to swallow!!"
I'm doomed.
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