Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.

Now she's a small medium at large.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
The person who had once kidnapped me got released after serving 10 years in prison. Since then, I secretly follow him to his house every single day without his knowledge.

I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.

I was bee-trayed.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaStrangr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.

Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I'm filming a new documentary about the governor of the Roman province of Judaea, serving under Emperor Tiberius...

We're currently filming the Pilate.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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TIFU by accidentally serving a customer an underwater vehicle at my local Subway...

Wait, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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I had the pleasure of serving under one of the calmest commanders in the US Army

General Anesthesia always helped put internal disputes to bed.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDewinYourMom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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My son thinks it's getting to me when he complains about me serving his scrambled eggs with a spoon.

But, I just don't give a fork.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itim__office
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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My great-grandfather was a GI before serving in the RAF,

Which made him a GIRAF.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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My other friend (the one not mentioned previously) got wind of a brand new invention for serving frozen confections...

It was an ice cream scoop.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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Did you hear about Five Guys restaurants not serving women anymore?

Apparently they fired one guy, so now it's Four Guys only.

πŸ‘︎ 248
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kyle_Clashes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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Bust out the 808 (mg sodium per serving?)
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/captaininvengo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:

How very un-ladle-like!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magic7ball
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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Why are some people bad at serving tea?

They have pour technique

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nwzy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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I love to cook spaghetti, but am really bad at serving... it's a real mission in-pasta-bowl.

I really noodle get better at it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patentpunk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call your son when he gets a job serving food at Carl’s Jr.?

Chef Boy Hardee

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adamhoolhorst
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...

But I cooked it in a minute flat.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the priest that had to stop serving red meat at his sermons?

It was a separation of church and steak

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the president's new favorite bakery? It's only serving treats with red, white, and blue frosting.

All the other ones were un-pastry-otic.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybaby
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2015
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My brother asked me to cater his wedding. He wants over 200 servings of roasted lamb chops.

Ain't nobody got thyme for that

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riffdex
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
🚨︎ report
This guy is serving hot dogs and dad-jokes

It's late at night and me and some friends went to get some hot dogs. There's a group of girls in there complaining that they lost their phone. One of the girls says to the guy taking orders

"Can you call me a cab?"

"You're a cab. Now what?"

Everyone else was laughing except for the people who wanted a cab.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigcallicutt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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While mom was serving dessert...

Me: "what kind of cake is it?" Mom: "a date cake." Dad: "does that mean there's Viagra in it?!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pheecljbny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2015
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"Chipotle is going to stop serving some of its pork because of the bad treatment of pigs? Doesn't matter. Those pigs are bread to die"

Those pigs aren't bread, they're pork.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeismicAltop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2015
🚨︎ report
While serving dinner...

My dad would give me a scoop of green peas and then say, "Ha ha! I just pea-d on your plate and your gonna eat it!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForcedReception
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
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Upon serving his grilled meats....

"Don't dare get any of this on your forehead, your tongue will beat your brains out trying to get to it". For 20 years I have hoped for a new joke, at least the meats are tasty.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frogslayer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2013
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Made my dad proud when serving mother's day dinner

Dad: This is mom hands me moms plate with dinner on it

Me: No, that's a plate.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
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We've been trying to get our daily servings of vegetables in...

When my dad got home from work my little brother said, "I ate a whole carrot today!"

Dad said "a whole carrot?! that must have been hard to swallow!!"

I'm doomed.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boston_trauma
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2014
🚨︎ report

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