I won the "Most Secretive Guy" award in our office today.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me
Being gay is a secret club where you can only get in through the back door
Have you heard about the top secret bakery?
It's on a knead to dough basis
The government started banning alcoholic drinks, so I'm selling liquor in secret.
What do you call it when Victoria Secret merges with Smith and Wesson?
Why should you never tell military secrets to a duck?
Ducks will always quack under interrogation.
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked
now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Your can always trust a walrus to keep your secrets...
My secret dad power is invisibility
Unfortunately, it only works at parties.
Why was the local fly population afraid of the secretive snake charmer?
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secret of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
If you ever find a house with a family of corn, don’t go snooping through their secret files.
Did you hear the one about the secret agent that was captured behind enemy lines with a sheepdog as part of his disguise?
When he was put to death, his captors ground him up and baked him in the oven covered in gravy and mashed potatoes.
When questioned as to why such a cruel and unusual punishment was administered, they stated that this was the only way to correctly execute a shepherd spy.
I got really good writing stock characters. My secret?
I'm secretly in love with a melon, but I ended it because I know everyone will find out
Hope that job doesn’t suck
Why can't Melons secretly get married?
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Donald, Duck" anymore when the president is about to be attacked
But their grandchildren still listen, in spite of rule 4, because hearing dear old grand-da be excited about his stories is just so sweet, whether he remembers tellin them or not
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I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
Why can't melons get married in secret?
One fruit asked another fruit to get married in secret
The other fruit responded: “I’m sorry, I cantaloupe.”
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Edit: Wow! My first Silver and my first Gold! I am honored. What an amazing community. It's a great place to visit after a challenging day.
I COULD tell you a top secret combination of words which result in the instant death of anyone hearing or reading them..
But then I'd have to kill you.
What do you call a glass jar in a secret society?
Deep in the villain’s super secret base
Deep in the villain’s super secret base, he noticed that his 10” concrete filled steel walls looked bare. He asked his minions why was there no large, artistic rendering of his terrifying logo hanging behind his desk.
His minions replied, “We’ve tried everywhere, but we’ve been unable to find a sketchy artist.”
What do you call a clever yet contemptible Brit who makes chocolate and candy in a super-secret factory?
How did Vikings send secret messages?
All Right Then, Keep Your Secrets.
What do you call a Secret Agent Potato?
Last year we did a Secret Santa where everyone had to give each other furnace parts. I'm so ticked for the stupid gift I got.
Sorry. I just gotta vent.
When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.
Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.
What's Lightning McQueen's secret chili ingredient?
Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side.
I mean, imagine all the peepholes.
A train engineer believed a hospital ship was the site of secret government conspiracy and decides to ram it with his train.
Now that's what I call a loco-motive.
What will newborn babies become if the Goverment use them in a secret military project?
They wil be some fine ass Infantry
Never tell a secret in a cornfield
Before he died my grandad used to keep a secret cash stash in the toilet cistern.
In the end he was just throwing money down the drain.
the other day I was looking up secret places to work out
thought it would be pretty crappy, but there are a fair amount of hidden gyms
What is the Easter Bunny's secret to finding those easter eggs.
I am suspicious that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Why do spies keep working even when they're asleep ?
Your shipment of puns has arrived
How do robots eat guacamole?
I figured out the secret to writing great Christian music.
You know what's secretive?
Glands. Glands are secretive.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
I’d be happy to tell you about my secret Indian Restaurant...
...right after you sign this naan disclosure agreement
My friend Victoria told me she found secret buried treasure.
But she wouldn't tell me under where.
Some filmmakers were secretly trying to murder the lead actor in a low-budget flick, but he got wind of the plot and managed to escape. They took the existing footage and shopped it to different producers, but it was roundly rejected by everyone for the same reason.
Did you hear about the police detective with the secret clamp collection?
He had a vice vise vice.
It helped him put the squeeze on suspects.
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
My friend from high school became an engineer or something.
He would design vehicles and stuff like no other.
One day he called me and said he had a very special design planned for his next vehicle.
So I asked him: "What's the big design you're working on?"
He said: "Its a secret. You'll find out later."
A few months later, he sends me a picture of this amazing motorbike that's entirely made of wood and nothing else. I called him back and told him I really liked it and if I could ride it.
He replied in a deep and depressing voice: "You can't I'm sorry. I threw it away."
I asked him why he threw away such a masterpiece he worked so hard to make.
He replied: "I tried everything..... But it just wooden start!"
I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.
My friends all say it's naan-sense.
What is the secret triangle-based code of mathematicians?
I swear, I'm gonna get the Secret to Immortality...
While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.
Michael J Fox hacked his way into my old iPhone
He’s looking for The Secret of my 6S
The Pentagon has a bakery where government agents learn secret recipes by mixing the ingredients themselves...
It operates on a knead to know basis.
Why can't you tell a secret in a corn maze?
Because the walls have ears.
I met the world’s greatest security guard the other day. When I asked him the secret, he said it was all in his name.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
Thinking of starting my own secret society that is really hard to become initiated into
Did you know Vikings had a secrete language?
They called it Norse code
I’ve discovered the secret to avoid crying while chopping onions:
Try not to get emotionally attached.
Why is it hard to keep secrets in the North Pole?
Because your teeth chatter
After years of holding out on me, my friend finally told me the secret ingredient in his cooking.
What is the secret to great cold brew coffee?
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award
means to me.
The secret service...
... isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office
I can't tell you how much it means to me
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell “Donald duck”!
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The secret service doesn't have to tell "get down" anymore.
They have to tell "Donald Duck!"
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
I'm very suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection...
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns...
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” they ever met.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
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