Macaulay Caulkin!
"that right there is the duct seal" "that ain't no duct seal" "look here! Ain't no ducks gettin through that there seal!"
He doesn't like the color blue.
Because he couldn’t see that whale
To prevent any escape peas.
A stamped bull
Beats me.
Dammit, why can't I be grey or brown like all the other seals?
She still isn't talking to me
Mr. Seal Yo Girl
An ion!
Jake returns home after a long days work, finds the cupboards bare and thinks "that's strange we went shopping this week". He goes to the garbage can to find jars of peanut butter, yogurt, pill bottles, assorted food they've just bought discarded. He asks "Honey why is all the food in the garbage?" he finds her watching TV in the living room she says "Roger is dead", stunned he runs to the backyard to find their pet seal dead. He runs inside shocked and says "wow that's terrible, but why did you throw out all the food?!" she replies "They containers all said DO NOT USE IF SEAL IS BROKEN".
(the joke makes more sense in dutch)
My dad talking to my nephew about his pet horse he used to have.
"My horse was an oddball, wherever we'd go he'd look for water to splash around in. one time we went to the beach and he'd jump into the water and swim around."
Two weeks later we're hanging out and my aunt tells dad she heard the story about his horse, and asked what kind of horse it was.
"a seahorse"
(in dutch he talked about a dog, and a seal in dutch is "zeehond" (seadog))
Art
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
The bartender asks,"What'll be Mr.Seal"
The seal replies,"Anything but a Canadian Club.'
Well, that seals the deal!
It got a good laugh out of me. Photo here for the curious.
He ordered vanilla ice cream and gobbles it down before going back to the mechanic.
Mechanic: It looks like you blew a seal.
Penguin: Ah no that’s just ice cream.
They're afraid of club hits.
But Seal Team Six got the job done!
He's called Flex Seal.
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF
She still isn't talking to me
Thanks in advance to u/entrinao for suggesting this subreddit to me :)
Da bomb.
I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.
It’s just one kilo-byte.
A Sealion
Do not consume if seal is broken.
The seal was broken.
That's what really seals the dill.
What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!
I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!
Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.
I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”
Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.
When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.
What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!
I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."
Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!
Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.
Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.
What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!
What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!
Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!
How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!
19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.
My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”
How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!
What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.
If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.
I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.
I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!
What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon
Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem
... keep reading on reddit ➡I was watching Captain Phillips with my parents:
Mom: That Navy SEAL looks a bit too chubby to be a SEAL.
Dad: Maybe he's a Navy Walrus.
Hilarious, dad, hilarious.
Going through the box the elephant was ok. The lion was ok. The seal was broken and I had to throw out the box.
CAUTION FLOOR FLIPPERY WHEN WET.
Wife: This is a really strange song. I mean do roses even have lips?
Me: No but I know what plant does.
Wife: ?
Me: Tulips.
Seal-ion
Egypt me, but I was starving so I ate it anyway. Now I falafel.
It was a hit!
An ion!
An ion!
The seal says,"anything but a Canadian club"
Anything but a Canadian Club.
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
You know, neutral. Without an Ion
The seal was broken
“Do not consume if seal is broken”
To get to the other tide.
