Me and my wife were scrambling to leave the house today. I happened to introduce myself to the mailman at the perfect time. His name was Mikey. Just then I turned back inside...

And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
So I was scrambling some eggs this morning and if you know me, I like my eggs real scrambled. So I was going at these eggs hard, using all of my muscle to whisk these bad boys, when suddenly my arm goes numb and I passed out.

I guess you could say I β€œover-eggxerted” myself.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KekMudkip
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I can’t bake a pun that’ll crack you up because they’re all scrambled in my head

I’m such a egghead

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashgallade
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
How many egg puns can you people think of
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SMONSTERDJ
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
what does an egg say when it's late?

oh, sorry, OMELETTE.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_itxchi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?

It becomes egg sighted

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hamadaeleleimy
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I made my son some scrambled eggs and as he was eating them I turned to him and said

Are they all they were cracked up to be?

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/definitelyhooman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.

He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 130
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lorinar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Just made scrambled eggs
πŸ‘︎ 383
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IINightMasterII
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My son thinks it's getting to me when he complains about me serving his scrambled eggs with a spoon.

But, I just don't give a fork.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itim__office
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
This shiz got me scrambled
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mak_101
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Egg yolk tries to scramble back to safety v.redd.it/i0z1tcciw3k21
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shadow-_-king
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Oatmeal...

is just meatloaf that doesn't give a f.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The Eggs Did Not Get Scrambled. imgur.com/LFmYGit
πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtlas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken scramble?

Because it got eggcited!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaynasaur
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
You'd think it would bother me that my son complains I always serve his scrambled eggs with a spoon.

But, I just don't give a fork.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itim__office
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2017
🚨︎ report
Ovaries batches A through D were cooked scrambled...

But the next one was ovaries E

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_ze_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
🚨︎ report
How many egg puns can I fit into a few sentences?

Well, I can roll out dozens of eggscruitating egg puns in just the first sentence alone. But the second one is where I start to crack you up from the amount of egg puns that were in the first sentence. By the third sentence your brain will be scrambled from the amount of egg puns that I cracked while just simply talking.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dream0nforever
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife asked what kind of eggs I wanted for breakfast.

I replied, β€œIt doesn’t matter. I’m eggnostic.”

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benwheely
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Should I have scrambled or over easy eggs....?

...it's an eggsistential crisis!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alighieri00
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2016
🚨︎ report
I had a plan to fry eggs for breakfast, but I dropped them

So I had to scramble

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/27Pianos
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My food truck idea

Food truck with eggs being the theme in every dish.

"The Poach Coach"

Popular dishes:

  1. Eggs Been a Dick (2 poached eggs and 1 average but adequate size sausage)
  2. Omelette that one slide (you're choice of filling, but don't fucking test me)
  3. The Dwight Yolk Em' (served in a plastic cowboy hat to go. Must eat while walking the streets of Bakersfield) 4.The Mr. Burns Eggcellent Scramble (smithered with cheese)
  4. The Quiche a Grey (oralgasmic quiche with a money shot of sausage gravy)
  5. The John Denver Omelette (full of all kinds of shit)
  6. Jesus'ed egg (basically a deviled egg only more judgmental and boiled in holy water)
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sakibombs85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I crack myself up sometimes [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CCplusplus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I saw a guy spill all of his Scrabble letters on the street.

I asked him, β€œWhat’s the word on the street?”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KxngJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A dad and his son are out camping when they hear a loud roar outside their tent.

Scrambling, they look outside and see a bear, standing on its hind legs.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They begin to run away into the woods, but the bear doesn't give chase. In fact, it's still standing there, looking at the tent.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They stop and watch but it just keeps standing there. They inch closer, but no reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

They summon up all their courage and approach to within inches. No reaction.

"Roar!" the bear growls.

"I think this bear might be broken," observes the son.

The dad nods. "I think that bear's repeating."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whomikehidden
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Nissan pun not related to Liam

The year is 2045, space travel has finally gotten started.

As major companies scramble to come up with ways to capitalize on this new venture, Nissan decides to end its most popular light truck.

As the last one rolls off the line, they announce: "This is it, folks. This is the Final Frontier."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dolaandronas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Humpty Dumpty jokes

Crack me up

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2017
🚨︎ report
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesn’t speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.

Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs.

Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual?

Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs!

Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . .

Man: ... Apple Pie and Coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ObiOneToo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Real conversation with my wife...

I was feeding our baby daughter scrambled eggs this morning and she was refusing to eat and making a mess.

Wife: It looks like an eggs-plosion.

Me: Yeah, because she is being egg-nostic.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.

Bump…bump…bump.

The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.

He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.

Bump…bump…bump.

There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…

BUMP! BUMP!

BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.

Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin β€” a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp β€” but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 202
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Kelsey Grammer hosted documentary about abuse in male and female prisons?

It’s titled β€œTossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FightPigs
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Laughed for the entire duration of the shit.

It's a family tradition to make homemade chili when it gets cold out. My girlfriend and I went through a full size crocpot of it in one afternoon. The next day I stepped outside for a smoke and suddenly, it hit me like my ass had just struck oil. I ran inside, scrambling towards the back of the house, but she thought I was running in from the cold and asked, "Chilly out, babe?" To which I replied "All of it!!!!"

edit:grammar

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DibsHTX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2014
🚨︎ report
I can’t bake a good pun that will crack you up, they’re all just scrambled in my head

i’m such a egg head

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashgallade
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Police were questioning an egg

He couldn’t say anything, he was scrambling for words.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My kids said I need to stop with the egg jokes, because they’re not funny.

Yolk’s on them, I crack myself up!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tehmayormccheese
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
They should call scrambled eggs "gegs"
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/postslongcomments
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the chicken say when it saw scrambled eggs?

"Crazy mixed-up kids!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoorHalfwayShut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My Kids Will Only Eat Scrambled Food and It's Terrible.

How can I make them less eggcentric?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/realrhema
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Mom was about to make dinner when Dad saw her get the eggs out of the refrigerator.

"What are you making?"

"Chicken."

"That's gonna take a while, isn't it?"

πŸ‘︎ 413
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2016
🚨︎ report
What do eggs do when they are in a hurry?

They scramble!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the eggs do when they saw the cook?

Scrambled

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisCGCToo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report

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