My brothers and I went to see dad at work
Dad: *Sees us from a distance* Did you bring me a snack?
Me, an idiot: I'm right here lol.
Dad: I wanted something healthy.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
A lot of expenses are in curd.
It only went 4 feet.
His mind was blown
Because it was made in China
His condition is said to be improving, but he's not out of the woods yet.
That’s 0K.
Heard from an old Jump Instructor while handing out parachutes.
https://youtu.be/W056yaT-OUo?t=37m57s
enjoy!
Carl had this calling card of his. When he was nearly done burgling a house, he would put a brick inside the victim's washing machine, and switch it on. The washing machine would destroy itself, and the owners would know that the perpetrator could only be Carl.
Carl's number eventually came up, when he burgled a house with three savage guard dogs. They put an end to his burglary career.
I guess you could say, washing machines live longer with Carl gone.
Wife: First: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant,I’m dad.
Wife: second: no you’re not.
Frowning, she questioned, “What the heck does that even mean!?”
I continued, “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot!”
Blushing, she chuckled, “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
I sang out, “I’m just kidding!”
He accidently went down a one way road the wrong way as it was recently changed and he didn't realise. A cop saw him and pulled him over.
The cop came up to him, and said, "You do know this is a one way road?"
My grandad responded with, "I know, I'm only going one way!"
They both had a good laugh about it, ticket still issued. :(
...it's a rare treat.
I said, “That’s a little Savage.”
Igloos it together.
Have you ever heard of the female rapper who only rapped on her period?
I heard she had a mean flow
I little boy asks his grandfather, “Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?” Gramps says, “I think so, why are you asking”. The little boy says, “My mom said when you croak, we can go to Disneyland”.
I am currently in a intercultural communication class in college. Because its the beginning of the semester we always have to do some goofy activity and because the class is about culture everyone would tell something interesting about theirs. So this little Asian kid in class starts talking about customs growing up. He says how when he was little he remembers his father farting, and his dad asking why he is not clapping "in this culture you clap after your father farts." The whole time hes telling this I am thinking...no way...this dad is a savage. I kind of got a feeling he was starting to pick up on it, he started talking slow and thinking about it. Long story short: he clapped after his dad farted presumably for years, practicing their culture. What do you think?
Today at lunch I dad-joked my wife.
wife: There was this guy who would come into my work, James Savage-
me: Oh, was he related to Randy?
wife: blank stare
me: ...Macho Man Savage?
wife: flared nostrils/large sigh/continues her story
