I found a sack on the side of the road. I reached inside to see if I could figure out who it belonged to. I think it belonged to Santa.

I felt his presents.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rlchv70
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
Why has Santa always got a cough?

Tinselitis

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hideandsheep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10
🚨︎ report
When a department store santa loses his job does he get the sack?

Do human cannonballs get fired?

Do pirates get told to sling their hook's?

Do prostitutes get laid off?

Do trapeze artists get let go?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
Apparently, you can only see the ghost of Santa December 25th

That's when he reveals his presents

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing.

It’s on the house.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quibblicous
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Last year we did a Secret Santa where everyone had to give each other furnace parts. I'm so ticked for the stupid gift I got.

Sorry. I just gotta vent.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England...

... guess you could say he sleighed it

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arctic_Womble
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did Santa get coronavirus

He wasn’t elf isolating.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DecentFisherman3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/linkhandford
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does Santa go when he's injured ?

To the Ho-Ho-Hospital

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_-Hendrik-_
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
What are Santa's helpers called?

Subordinate clauses.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
I heard Santa was handing out matches instead of coal this year

Because they’re a little lighter.....

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/archrival33
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
What do you call a santa that stop?

Santa pause

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
Why wouldn’t that kid play catch with Santa Claus?

He had Clausthrowphobia.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less!

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-Ssdgm-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does Santa put a misbehaving elve?

A Jingle Cell.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
Santa Claws is coming to town!
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/f3derico
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How much does it cost to park Santa’s sleigh?

Nothing. It’s on the house.

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Laniakea05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Fear of Santa?

Claustrophobia.

Fear of German men? Klaustrophobia.

Fear of bears? Clawstrophobia.

Fear of legal agreements? Clausetrophobia.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pdxp2b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?

About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.

πŸ‘︎ 79
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/b0wser_304
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
You know why Santa is a jolly old man?

Cause he has the list of where all the naughty girls live...

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tr8orst8x3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I heard Santa delivered presents in record time last night...

He sleighed Christmas this year.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FriendOfDrBob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Santa comes to visit?

A Claus call

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
Who's Santa's favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WaffleFlame
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
A conversation from today while attending a free santa picture event at my wife's workplace.

Lady- how old is your daughter?

Me - 5

Lady - when does she turn six?

Me - on her birthday

Lady (mad that she got dadded) when is her birthday?

Me - every year.

Wife and Lady both just sigh and walk away.

Sorry for format, I'm on mobile.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/enis_with_a_p
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?

Because he has low elf esteem.

πŸ‘︎ 268
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Tomorrow night the Reindeer will be working for Santa against their will...

They've been forced into sleighvery.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My 7-year old niece made this up: What does Santa say when someone makes a bad decision?

That's a ho-ho-horrible idea!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcrabb23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elf-ish Presley

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/air28uk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?

Looks like reindeer!!

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaesquared
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Santa have a big sack...

Because he only comes once a year.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/THICCse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
Why does Santa only buy coffee from Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Comit and Donner and Blitzen?

They are his star bucks.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Santa only come once a year?

He’s married.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he’s visited?

He keeps a log book.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChknSchnity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What's Santa favorite genre of music?

Wrap.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SwitchGuru
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Santa fear getting stuck in a chimney?

Because he’s Claustrophobic.

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you mix santa with a bear?

Santa Claws

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
How do santa's helpers pay for their groceries?

Elf Checkout!

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tehlon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Italian white bread is Santa's favorite because

As the song goes, "Ciabatta watch out, Ciabatta not cry, Ciabatta not pout......"

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DadJoker1988
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
As an adult I know now that my parents were actually Santa Claus.

But I still don’t know how they got to all those houses in one night.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blackcatice
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Santa is a dick.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Beefster09
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What does Santa say when he is going backwards?

Oh, oh, oh!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ilko_7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What did Rudolph text Santa?

Nothing, he just left him on red.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaesquared
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens if you shoot down Santa's sleigh?

It starts to rain deer

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_jiujitsu_kid
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a Santa that is scared to go down your small chimney

Klaustrophobic

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kaleb270
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother had an interview for a mall Santa in another town. His GPS led him astray and he missed it.

I think he was a lost Clause to begin with.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
What do Santa's Helpers use to spell words?

The elfabet.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited?

He keeps a log book.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Santa think there's 25 letters in the alphabet?

Because there's Noel

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thumbtoe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Santa was dyslexic as a child.

Oh oh oh!!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/red8user
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you call orange Santa Claus?

Fanta Claus

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/troporos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Santa wakes in a start and turns to Mrs Claus

"I just had the weirdest dream, and I can't make any sense of it."

Mrs Claus sits up and replies "Why don't you tell me about it dear?"

"They're I am, doing the Christmas eve rounds, checking in on the workers and I see one of them topping up the sleigh with gas. It's just routine work, but it woke me up tonight. What do you make of it?"

"Oh I see," Mrs Claus says, "very interesting."

"Well?" Santa says expectantly.

"This is a classic example of an elf fuel filling prophecy."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/djott3r
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Santa dad joke.

What did Santa say to misses clause when he looked out the window?

It looks like it's going to reindeer.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œDaddy, why does Santa carry that big bag of gifts?”

Dad: β€œThat’s just how he presents himself.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why won't anyone help Santa with directions?

Cause he's a lost Claus.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joey_the_Duck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does Santa invest his money?

In Christmas Stockings and shares.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Datolite7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What does Santa say when he’s homesick?

β€œThere’s snow place like home”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I visited my friend and when I got there I noticed he had dressed up a bottle of gin like Santa Claus. So I asked him about it.

He told me, β€œOh that? It’s just a bit of holiday spirit.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cananbaum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Santa needed more help this year with making all the presents...

I heard he was short staffed...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does santa stay during a holiday?

In a ho ho hotel

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/g0lden3agle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Santa walks into a bar and cheerily calls out β€œHo, Ho, Ho”

The barmen says β€œ they prefer to be called strippers”.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jadekinsjackson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I put my clothes in the washing machine yesterday and all of them came out with a picture of Santa on it.

I shouldn’t have used the Yule Tide Detergent.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
There will likely be fewer gifts from santa this year

The elves have been on strike.

Their biggest demand is universal elfcare.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jakmcbane77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What does Santa and farmer have in common?

Ho, Ho, Ho.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/endustry1994
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Santa's helper so sad?

He was suffering from low elf-esteem.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/babblingbrooks1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Irritating Santa this time of year would be ...

...a coal-lossal mistake!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Santa doesn't need to pay for parking on Christmas Eve.

It's on the house.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does Santa buy gifts for naughty children?

Kohl’s

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is Santa's favourite musical artist?

Elf-is Presley!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gamer-_-Bro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Santa bring a very big sack?

Because he only comes once a year

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afilipinoweeb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to give Santa directions to the next house...

But he’s a lost Claus.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't Santa have much of a religious opinion during the holidays?

Due to his diet, he tends to be eggnog-stic

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pricklydoughball
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What benefit does Santa provide his elves?

Elf-care

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thatdude101010
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
How does Santa water his garden?

With the ho-ho-hose.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeGuy581
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What is Santa's favorite weather?

Snow, snow snow!

(Not sure if it's original, but my 4yo loved it)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2manyProjects
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What would Santa call Mrs. Claus if she was a slut?

A ho ho ho

On a serious note Merry Christmas

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/H3nTy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call santa if he goes down a lit chimney?

Crisp kringle

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2019
🚨︎ report
HO! HO! HO! Why is Santa always smiling and laughing?

Because it's not him who buys the presents.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gigadude17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Santa wash his clothes in Tide?

Because it’s too cold outtide.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saulfineman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are kids afraid of Santa?

Because of his Claus

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KingReagan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What did Mrs. Clause say to Santa Clause on Christmas Eve?

β€œWatch our for the rain, dear.”

-a tour guide earlier today

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnonymousCat21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I just went into a toilet and Santa was in there taking a piss

It was a Christmas number 1

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Whats the name of Santa’s wife?

Marry Christmas

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A-Aron-Rod-gers
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What's Santa's favorite nut?

Pistachi-ho-ho-ho!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tacobitch91
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a ghost that haunts Santa?

A polargeist

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rawtistic-asian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What did Santa Claus say when he caught Mrs. Claus cheating?

Hoe-hoe-hoe!

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trollcitybandit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing.

It’s on the house.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Codiath420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?

Nothing, it’s on the house.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChiefAmmad21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?

Because he has low elf esteem.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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