A guy came in with 144 rotten eggs.

It was gross.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/epic_null
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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I don’t really like rotten bananas...

They’re not very a-peeling.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoisonedSnack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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A vegetable that smells like rotten automobiles

Carrot

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krowsfeet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you describe rotten feta?

Foetid

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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From my six year old: What do you call a dinosaur with rotten eggs?

Eggstinked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Username89054
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Rotten tomatoes hitting us with puns
πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sambalbali
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I made a crude joke about rotten food.

It was in terrible taste.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evrant
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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Me: Know what Thanos says when he finds a rotten fruit in his garden? My kids: Ugh.

"It is... Inedible"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fubarfrank
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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I ate some rotten chicken the other day.

It tasted fowl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AequitasKiller
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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I just ate a rotten banana...

I'm not peeling well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryannbajaj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Uranus smells like rotten eggs, according to scientists.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What kind of car does an egg drive?

A Yolkswagen

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucianoMercuri__
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to throw away our Chinese purebred's rotten food.

Ciao Chow Chow chow.

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πŸ“…︎ May 23 2017
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Why do cemeteries have walls and fences around them?

Because people are dying to get in!

(My dad told me this one when we drove past a cemetery one day lol)

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EverReverie
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Last night at a gig, people threw rotten tomatoes at our band.

The whole experience left a sour taste in my mouth...

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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I'm not sure why the highway was arrested ...

... but I bet it was his own dumb asphalt.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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What do a bad apple and a rotten tomato have in common?

They're both spherical fruits with poor temperaments. Duh.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
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I found one hard boiled egg in the fridge

It was the last one in the container. I took one bite and spit it out - no idea how long it had been there but clearly it had been too long.

"Rotten egg?" my husband asks. I agree. He says "Makes sense, it was the last one there."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vampilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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I don’t think it’s wise to β€œeat the rich.”

They’re all spoiled rotten.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcrose89
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?

Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A red ship and a blue ship crash on a deserted island

They were marooned

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samwise3s
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
🚨︎ report
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

β€œYou rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Over chips and dip.

We had those Tostitos Scoops chips and I found a chip that was flat, so it apparently hadn't gone through the machine that makes it into the bowl shape. Showed my dad and he said "I guess we'll have to talk to the Scoopervisor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shellumsparkles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2013
🚨︎ report
Bad vegetable puns don’t produce laughter.

It’s a rotten experience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chexmp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I got my wife at the grocery store

But honestly I'm considering returning her. She don't seem to get my jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adunahay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Why are there no vegan DC heroes?

Because they're afraid of rotten tomatoes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reallylu0wei
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Brainstorming food/movie theme nights. It es-kale-lated quickly. Only thing in my Bumble profile now.

When Harry Met Salad

What About Ke-Bob

Cumin to America

Weekend at Bearneaise II

Steakin I, II, & III

A Few Good Salmon

You’ve Got Kale

Shawshank Re-Dim Sum

Romancing the Scone

An Γ‰clair to Remember

Roman Hollandaise

Glazed and Confused

Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure

The Evil Bread

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp

Fondue the Right Thing

Ribeyes Wide Shut

Mignons

Plante of the Grapes

Spider Manchu

Sushis All That

A Wok to Remember

Marsala-la Land

Apocalypse Cow

Die Chard

Die Chard with a Vinaigrette

Hogan’s Gyros

The Sand Latkes

A League of their Macaroni

Revenge of the Curds

Rush S’More

Braising Arizona

Demolition Ham

10 Things I hate About Ewe

Saladin

Oliver and Com-penne

Dirty Rotten Chanterelles

Sex and the Satay

The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs

Morella Enchanted

Provolone Together

Clear and Pheasant Danger

The Big Chili

LΓ©mon: The Professional

Ava-Tartare

Hocous Pocous

High Fi-Deli Meat

Madagascargot

The Fifth Elementos

Muensters Inc.

There’s Something About Rosemary

I Am Ham

Quiche Lorraine Man

Barley & Me

Lentil Giants

Peggy SoufflΓ© Got Married

Face Stroganoff

Con GruyΓ©re

Fast Times at Porridgemont High

Bok Choys in the Hood

Papillonion

Requinoa for a Dream

Serial Cardamom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kat_fogg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
So two vultures were about to take a flight

the air hostess noticed the rotten meat they had with them and said "hey you cant bring that on board" Vulture" but this is carrion luggage"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paladium9999
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TipCleMurican
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the evil tuna?

He was rotten to the alba-core

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
🚨︎ report
I was going to go picking crab apples with a friend

When we go to our location, we noticed all the apples were rotten. The first thing to come out my mouth was "Well, I guess our plan didn't come to fruition"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/esazo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2014
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Did you hear about the evil tuna?

He was rotten to the albacore.

Source: Rocko's Modern Life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RNNNG
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2016
🚨︎ report
While talking fermi-compost with our daughter tonight...

My wife dropped this one:

One worm said to his buddy "Hey, all that food that was in here last night is decomposed." the other says "Aw man, that's rotten."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jparamch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Just dadjoked my customer at work

"Your computer broke? Guess you got a rotten Apple."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justgentile
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2014
🚨︎ report
My sister dad-joked me tonight

My family has hired an tree specialist to take care of and old and rotten tree in our yard.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me: So the tree lady will be here at 11:00 tomorrow.

Sister: OK, but when will she leaf?

Me: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/qmlazo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the evil tuna?

He was rotten to the albacore.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sorrow27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report

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