Road Trips Puns

Not too sure what to do in the Mean Time.

So I went home.

“I’m board, are we stairs yet?”

It was touch and go from there on.

Good thing she wasn't, that trip would've been short-lived.

I was talking with a friend. He said he wanted to surprise his wife with a trip up north, to the land of the midnight sun. I said "Alaska?" he said "NO! DONT! I said I want it to be a surprise!"

They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"

The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says

>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<

Because it's important that everyone sticks to the plan.

Everyone got out to pee and get snacks. I stretched getting out of the car and I farted. My 16yo daughter said, "Dad, that's gross."

I said, "Why? After all we are at the GAS station."

When I'm in the passenger's seat, I use the guy version. The atlad

And directly facing the sun. I pulled down my visor down.

"Man," I said. "Just think, it's so bright in here I need to squint, even though the sun is 93 million miles away."

"What are you talking about?" my husband said. "He's right behind us."

groan

The receptionist tells us we are upgraded to a suite.

I exclaim, "Sweet!" Then grin and nudge my daughter with my elbow while she groans and rolls her eyes

Best part was the receptionist looking at her and saying, "Don't worry, my dad does it too"

He replies, "the state of confusion!"

It was really hauling ass.

It's a hard drive.

And we're off! Like a brides panties.

Kids were discussing animals. Someone mentioned gnus (wildebeests), how they have horse tails and buffalo horns. I told them I'm not even sure if they are real or not. "Really? You don't know if gnus are real or not?" Says the oldest in a skeptic tone.

"That's right. I'm an agnustic."

Dad: "Oh look, we're entering the French Ghetto" Me: looks up and sees sign for town called LeCompton Many Groans were had

When a bug splatters on the windshield he always says, "I bet it doesn't have the guts to do that again".

6 Year old: Where are we?

Me (Dad): In the car.

Extension of the joke (Kid trying to be smart)

6 Year old: Where is the car?

Me (Dad): On the road.

Dad: "Hey kids, a train just passed by" Me and my siblings: "How do you know?" Dad: "It left its tracks!"

It was funny the first time when I was 9. Now it's funny because it's dad humor.

Driving through Georgia, the wife saw a sign for Jekyll Island. She turns to me and says, "Oh I've heard Jekyll island is really nice."

My response: "Yeah, I've heard it's a lot nicer than Hyde Island"

Her: "You're terrible."

Saw someone I know that posted this on Facebook. They were on a road trip and they said to their dad, "Dad, keep left at the fork." And their dad replied, "Ok, what about the spoons and the knives?"

"Put your hand on the window."

Do so

"Can you feel the pain?"

"What?"

"The window pane."

I asked my dad if coal can get wet

He replied "if water gets on it, yeah"

"They seem to really Carey."

After we got through the town, he says, "Well, Carey on!"

While driving the car, dad complained that his glasses were dirty. Mom did her best, but she had a heck of a time cleaning them, and it took almost 15 minutes before they were presentable. When she finally handed them back to my thoroughly amused dad, he put them on, blinked, lifted his finger to the front window and said, "Hey, look, a road."

I am still ashamed I laughed at that.

Dad sees a semi truck hauling hay with a blown tire on the side of road

Dad: "Hay... that blows..."

Me: "Dammit, Dad..."

Driving through Illinois, everybody is hungry.

Mom to little brother: "Nick, we're almost to Effingham." Dad: "I don't want no f-ing ham."

Makes me optimistic that this talent will manage to be passed on to me some day.

Dad: We're going to stop at this BP station. Cuz I be pee-in.

As I pass a truck carrying horse food, I point to it and yell "HAY"

My whole family, slightly startled, looks around, at what I'm so excited about, then realize, and in unison roll their eyes and groan

I was sitting in the front seat with my dad traveling with the rest of the family when 2 bugs splatted on the windshield...

Dad: What did the 1st bug say to the 2nd?

Me: *sigh * what?

Dad: "I bet you don't have the guts to do that again."

Groans ensued from everyone including my 78 year old grandma who can barely hear from the back seat.

Disclaimer: Told by a non-father

American Woman comes on radio

"Guess who plays this song..."

car passengers start to guess the band

"No, Guess Who (the band) plays this song"

Me: "Are we there yet?" "Son, we are never there we are always here"

bug hits the windshield

Dad- That bug had guts

Me- sighs

So this was in the summer of 2011 and at the time this song was a big hit: Medina - You and I. The important part here is the chorus, starting at 0:44.

So in the middle of the song I ask my friend "Do you know what kind of car this singer drives?"
"No idea", she said. To which I replied "A hyu-n-dai."

She almost threw me out of the car.

Passing a graveyard Dad "I wonder how many dead people are in there?" Victim "I don't know..." Dad "All of them, I hope. or Dad "You know, people are just dying to get in there."

Passing a corn field Dad "Wow, just look at all that corn. It's a-maize-ing!"

After a haircut Victim "Dad, did you get a hair cut?" Dad "No, I got 'em all cut."

I realized after I posted this that I included the haircut joke after a road trip title. It was a late night of good beer (with Dad, of course) and I remembered it and thought it needed to be included.

After stopping for fuel and snacks at a little service station we resume travel. My friend got a bag of little crackers and chips mixed together. He offers me some and feeling snackish, "okay yeah I guess maybe I'll have a bit" he replies very quickly "you can have a bite too" at which point I realize it's a bag of bit and bites. Damn it.

"hey guys did you know that bridges generate static electricity? When we get over the center of the bridge touch the window"

We all touch the windows even though we have no idea where he is going.

"do you feel it? Do you feel the pane?"

"Honey, it's getting late. Are you tired?" &nbsp;

"No, but the car is."

Her "ugh my legs asleep" Me "Danm now it's going to be up all night"

We were driving to Minnesota for vacation and as we are passing through Iowa, I see a wind farm (they are very uncommon where im from). I say "look, guys! A wind farm!" To which my mom replies almost immediately "I wonder if they start them off as seeds or sprouts." Kinda caught us all off guard!

Whenever a bug hits the window, he would ask;

"What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield."

long pause

"His ass!"

One of them says,"I wonder what that used to be." My response: "A building probably."

Sighs were had...

Dad was telling me about a sales competition he had at work during the world cup this year.

Dad: Every store was given a different country, and we were Chile.

Me: Then why didn't you turn the heating on?

Me: I'm bored

Dad: That's funny, you don't look like a plank

Almost every road trip growing up my dad would tell the same joke when a bug hit the window. "Hey coolifiparkhere." "Yeah, dad?" "What was the last thing to go through his head?" "What?" "His ass!"

Years ago, while on a road trip with Dad and his lady:

Dad: You guys wanna stop in for a cold one?

Us: Sure!

Dad: <pulls off freeway, and into a funeral home's parking lot>

We were driving in our KIA Carens, when I noticed that we were one in a group of 4 Carens driving in the same lane. This is how it went:

ME: Hey dad, there are 3 other Carens in the same lane as us. What are the chances?

DAD: I guess you could say we're in a... Carens-van

LITTLE BRO: Ba Dum Tssss...

ME: facepalm Dad jokes

(Carens-van = caravan for those of you who didn't get it)

Little brother: I need to pee!
Me: We just passed a rest stop too...
Dad: Looks like urine trouble!

I turned to my girlfriend and said, "Look! Goose creek!"

After crossing over it and not seeing much i said, "Wasn't much to gander."

Her: It's chilly.

Me: No, it's Philly!

Her: groan

Getting closer to our destination, I mention to my wife that I need to go pee. She asks, "Can you hold it?" I cup my hands and say, "I suppose maybe for a little bit, but I think it'll leak out." Suffice it to say that she retracted the courteous offer and made me wait. Worth it!

So we were driving along and on one of the exit signs it said "Needmore Rd."

I'm sure you can guess what my dad said: "Well I guess they better get some more!"

Son: Shoot, I don't have a fork

Dad: Don't worry, I'm sure there will be a fork in the road

Early September right around sunset.

Me: "Jeez, it's weird to think that in a few months around winter, it'll (would) be pitch black outside."

Dad: "A few months!? It'll be pitch black out in about an hour!"

Wife looking at her phone: go figure, were roaming.

Me: have a little more faith honey, I know exactly where we're going.

silence

My sister asked how long until we arrive, and my dad said however long we had left. Let's pretend it was two hours. Then a little while later:

Sister: "How long has it been?" (Since she last asked how long left) Dad: "Oh, about 13.7 billion years"

A co-worker and I were driving our work van through Peculiar, Kansas. I pointed at the sign and said, "That town's name is a little strange."

Me: What are you guys going to do when we get back Friend 1: Take a huge dump. Friend 2: Have a massive piss. Friend 3: I'll get out of the car.

Dad: You know was town is next to Pawtucket?

Sister: What?

Dad: Ma-tucket!

>Did you guys know that that's a very famous cemetary?

>Do you know why? Because people are just dying to get in!

People get so annoyed by the end of the trip.

Did you hear that the cemetery is the most popular place in the world?

Everyone's dying to go there!

On a road trip through France when I was younger.

Mum: "Have we passed Dijon yet?"

Dad: "We must'ard done."

Sigh

Driving through Gackle, North Dakota, my dad lays this one on my mom: "What kind of a town name is 'Gackle?' I suppose their football team is called the Jackals. If you played on the team, you might be the Gackle Jackal tackle."

Dad always said, "confusion"

Driving past a cemetery

Dad: Hey do you know why the have a fence up around the cemetery? Me: No Dad, why? Dad: Because people are dying to get in there! Ha! Dad: But anyway do you know how many people are dead in there? Me: I'm not really sure, 500? Dad: All of them!

-_-

A car will pass us going well over the speed limit my father cannot help himself.

"Hey kids there goes our speeding ticket!"

*groans

passing an "Alert sign"

Unlce: "Alert: we need more alert signs."

Girlfriend laughed so hard she couldn't breathe and had tears.

Where do you take the largest mammal on earth to determine its mass?

The whale weigh station.

Every damn time we passed a weigh station.

We are driving to Wales (for a family holiday), and Dad points out the window at some fields with cows in.

DAD: Boy, it must be cold outside!

US: Why?

DAD: Those cows are Friesian!

He was the only one who laughed at first, in true Dad tradition.

Just as we were crossing the border, I look over and see a train crossing the border at the same time as us.

Me: "So if a train is leaving Texas and entering New Mexico, what state is it in?"

Dad: "A state of confusion."

My dad is driving while eating chips (French fries to you Americans), When he puts one on my shoulder. Dad: "Damn, why do you have such a chip on your shoulder?!"

Me: Hey Pops, can we make a pit stop? I'm thirsty.

Dad: Hi Thursday, I'm Friday

Me: *sigh

He'd always recite the classic:

One bright day in the middle of the night/ Two dead boys got up to fight/ Back to back, they faced each other/ Threw their swords and shot each other/ The deaf policeman heard this noise/ Came and shot those two dead boys/ If you don't believe this lie is true/ Ask the blind man, he saw it too!

Not so much a joke but he always got a kick out of it and you knew it was coming in any car ride lasting longer than an hour.

Driving through hayfields and we pass a couple fields with larger round bales of hay, not the normal square ones.

dad: You know they're outlawing these round hay bales, so we should be seeing any more of them soon.

dad pauses and waits for someone to bite

victim: really, how come?

dad: They found that cows weren't getting a square meal.

love you dad, you goof.