The genie asked, "Whatβs your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "Whatβs your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, βIs it to scale?β I replied, βNoβ¦β
βItβs to look at.β
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
"Stairs don't talk!"
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied βScrew you!β
So I'm pretty excited for the new year!
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, βCan you describe the symptoms?β I replied, "Sure..."
βTheyβre yellow, Homerβs fat, and Marge has blue hair.β
My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...
βBeats meβ
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"Itβs cutting hedge technology!"
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, βTwo guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.β I asked. βWhat did they look like?β He replied...
βFifty dollar bills.β
I texted my friend that I was missing them and they replied with a very cold reply
0K
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:
"Put the horses in the back." I hate the song but it made me laugh
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
I asked a friend "Are there girls who don't use Halloween to wear something slutty?" They replied...
"There are nun"
i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:
No, the steaks are too high!
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.
"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."
I went to buy some bees from a beekeeper, I asked him for 100 bees and he counted out 110. I said "No, no that's too many" He replied...
"Dont worry, those are freebees"
Cowboy goes in to a hotel and says a single room and a wardrobe for my horse. Your horse sir the manager replied!
Yes my horse is a Mustang and it mustang somewhere!
So the customer asks the chef if anyone orders steak raw and the waiter replied βyeh but thatβs rareβ
My kid sent me this photo of his ongoing travels. I replied, βThatβs a butte!β
My son looked at me with a silly grin and asked, "What do you and an antique door have in common?" I shrugged and replied, "I haven't a clue, what?" He explained...
"You're both worth more than you used to be, even though you're unhinged and your knobs don't work!"
Making my morning rounds in hospital when I ask a patient how his breakfast was. "The eggs and sausage were fine, but the Kentucky Jelly was awful," he replied. "What 'Kentucky Jelly'?" I ask.
Then he shows me the empty packet of KY Jelly had smeared all over his morning toast.
My daughter called me in a panic and asked, "Dad! My car just broke down! What should I do!?" I replied calmly...
"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, Iβll be right there, let me just...
shoulder this bird, hun.
My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....
Sofa sew good.
My three year old said to me, "I'm three years old." I replied, "Hi Three Years Old, I'm Dad."
He retorted, "Don't call me Three Years Old I'm Dad."
I have never been more proud.
Friday was roasting saturday and sunday brutally yet they never occurred a word. Wednesday, being a harmonist, asked them why they stayed mum for which they replied, "because we are weakened in front of you guys".
I was dazed.
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
Mike Tyson and I were talking about our friend Sarah who had just gotten into town. I asked, "so, how did she get from L.A. to here?" He replied...
"Theraflu."
When asked whether his former coach liked artificially flavored sugary soft drinks, Lionel Messi replied
ΒΏPep? Β‘SΓ!
When I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my dad, she gasped, βWow, your dadβs a millionaire!?β I replied...
βNo, but he wants to be!"
"Back so soon? I thought you went for a haircut, dad?" asked my son. "Well..." I replied. "My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused."
"I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions."
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
A man and his wife had a shed in their backyard. The neighbor asked which of them built it and they both replied that they had built it, leading to a massive argument.
It was a real He-Shed She-Shed situation.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
While waiting in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant, Don was admiring a painting on the wall of a Chinese sailing vessel and said to his friend Mike: βIsnβt that a great looking ship?β Mike replied:
βItβs junkβ
My girlfriend asked me what my favorite extreme hobby was, I replied camping...
...Because itβs in tents.
When asked where his two new brooms were from, Harry Potter replied:
From the bargain store down on Diagon Alley, they were a Quidditch.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?β Smiling, I replied, βTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, βWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?β
I explained, βBecause...heβs my newt!"
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
βItβs easy peasy lemon squeegeeβ
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, βHave a good day, son.β I replied, βDonβt call me son, youβre not my dad.β He scratched his head and said...
βNo, but I brought you up, didnβt I?β
I went camping and a grizzly approached me. I was terrified. I was about to run, but the grizzly stopped and said, βyou will die in 10 days.β I replied, βwho are you??β
He said, βI hate to be the bear of bad news.β
A girl opened a studio called TatTat. When asked what the name meant, she replied...
It's a tat 2 studio
I asked a tree if itβd tell me what itβs made of. It replied:
βYeah, I woodβ
My wife started coming down with the flu, and I asked if she'd had some citrus. "Oh, I forgot," she said. To which I replied:
"Orange you glad I reminded you?"
I was reading a bedtime story to my daughter when the book abruptly ended. We were both perplexed, and my daughter asked, βIs it over?β, to which I replied,
βYep, thatβs all she wrote!β
My dad had a Christmas ornament of Elvis dressed as an Angel on his tree. I asked my Dad why little angel Elvis wasnβt wearing any pants. He replied:
Because he died on the toilet
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
