The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, β€œIs it to scale?” I replied, β€œNo…”

β€œIt’s to look at.”

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 855
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...

"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/13harry09
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied β€œScrew you!”

So I'm pretty excited for the new year!

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, β€œCan you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."

β€œThey’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...

β€œBeats me”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaymanRich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, β€œTwo guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. β€œWhat did they look like?” He replied...

β€œFifty dollar bills.”

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I texted my friend that I was missing them and they replied with a very cold reply

0K

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackskyspy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"

Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:

"Put the horses in the back." I hate the song but it made me laugh

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shromboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...

β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed!"

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked a friend "Are there girls who don't use Halloween to wear something slutty?" They replied...

"There are nun"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thishotleafjuice
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:

No, the steaks are too high!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mferrari24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.

"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to buy some bees from a beekeeper, I asked him for 100 bees and he counted out 110. I said "No, no that's too many" He replied...

"Dont worry, those are freebees"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StonleyLoner319
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Cowboy goes in to a hotel and says a single room and a wardrobe for my horse. Your horse sir the manager replied!

Yes my horse is a Mustang and it mustang somewhere!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
So the customer asks the chef if anyone orders steak raw and the waiter replied β€˜yeh but that’s rare’
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid sent me this photo of his ongoing travels. I replied, β€œThat’s a butte!”
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My son looked at me with a silly grin and asked, "What do you and an antique door have in common?" I shrugged and replied, "I haven't a clue, what?" He explained...

"You're both worth more than you used to be, even though you're unhinged and your knobs don't work!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Making my morning rounds in hospital when I ask a patient how his breakfast was. "The eggs and sausage were fine, but the Kentucky Jelly was awful," he replied. "What 'Kentucky Jelly'?" I ask.

Then he shows me the empty packet of KY Jelly had smeared all over his morning toast.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter called me in a panic and asked, "Dad! My car just broke down! What should I do!?" I replied calmly...

"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...

shoulder this bird, hun.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....

Sofa sew good.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/writenroll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My three year old said to me, "I'm three years old." I replied, "Hi Three Years Old, I'm Dad."

He retorted, "Don't call me Three Years Old I'm Dad."

I have never been more proud.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cretinlung
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Friday was roasting saturday and sunday brutally yet they never occurred a word. Wednesday, being a harmonist, asked them why they stayed mum for which they replied, "because we are weakened in front of you guys".

I was dazed.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaylicious17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: β€œsir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied β€œoh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Mike Tyson and I were talking about our friend Sarah who had just gotten into town. I asked, "so, how did she get from L.A. to here?" He replied...

"Theraflu."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
When asked whether his former coach liked artificially flavored sugary soft drinks, Lionel Messi replied

ΒΏPep? Β‘SΓ­!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klaymens
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
When I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my dad, she gasped, β€œWow, your dad’s a millionaire!?” I replied...

β€œNo, but he wants to be!"

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
"Back so soon? I thought you went for a haircut, dad?" asked my son. "Well..." I replied. "My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused."

"I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A man and his wife had a shed in their backyard. The neighbor asked which of them built it and they both replied that they had built it, leading to a massive argument.

It was a real He-Shed She-Shed situation.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AntiNinja40428
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
🚨︎ report
While waiting in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant, Don was admiring a painting on the wall of a Chinese sailing vessel and said to his friend Mike: β€œIsn’t that a great looking ship?” Mike replied:

β€œIt’s junk”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked me what my favorite extreme hobby was, I replied camping...

...Because it’s in tents.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chicoquadcore
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
When asked where his two new brooms were from, Harry Potter replied:

From the bargain store down on Diagon Alley, they were a Quidditch.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyBeast_Gaming
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, β€œTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, β€œWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

I explained, β€œBecause...he’s my newt!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied

β€œIt’s easy peasy lemon squeegee”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustacius
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, β€œHave a good day, son.” I replied, β€œDon’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...

β€œNo, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I went camping and a grizzly approached me. I was terrified. I was about to run, but the grizzly stopped and said, β€œyou will die in 10 days.” I replied, β€œwho are you??”

He said, β€œI hate to be the bear of bad news.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A girl opened a studio called TatTat. When asked what the name meant, she replied...

It's a tat 2 studio

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nikhilbhavsar
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked a tree if it’d tell me what it’s made of. It replied:

β€œYeah, I wood”

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jspittman
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife started coming down with the flu, and I asked if she'd had some citrus. "Oh, I forgot," she said. To which I replied:

"Orange you glad I reminded you?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was reading a bedtime story to my daughter when the book abruptly ended. We were both perplexed, and my daughter asked, β€œIs it over?”, to which I replied,

β€œYep, that’s all she wrote!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Campagnolo412
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad had a Christmas ornament of Elvis dressed as an Angel on his tree. I asked my Dad why little angel Elvis wasn’t wearing any pants. He replied:

Because he died on the toilet

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvanzandd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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