The genie asked, "Whatβs your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "Whatβs your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
π︎ 17k
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︎ Dec 22 2020
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, βIs it to scale?β I replied, βNoβ¦β
π︎ 18k
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︎ Nov 23 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 855
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
π︎ 9k
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︎ Oct 09 2020
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
π︎ 19k
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︎ Sep 01 2020
Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied βScrew you!β
So I'm pretty excited for the new year!
π︎ 34
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, βCan you describe the symptoms?β I replied, "Sure..."
βTheyβre yellow, Homerβs fat, and Marge has blue hair.β
π︎ 17k
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︎ Jul 01 2020
My friend is married to a sadist. I asked her why she married the guy and she replied...
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 22 2020
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"Itβs cutting hedge technology!"
π︎ 11k
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︎ Aug 10 2020
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, βTwo guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.β I asked. βWhat did they look like?β He replied...
βFifty dollar bills.β
π︎ 55
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︎ Dec 07 2020
I texted my friend that I was missing them and they replied with a very cold reply
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 02 2020
I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:
"Put the horses in the back."
I hate the song but it made me laugh
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 18 2020
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Apr 20 2020
I asked a friend "Are there girls who don't use Halloween to wear something slutty?" They replied...
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 20 2020
i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:
No, the steaks are too high!
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 19 2020
A friend of mine always carries around a scale with him no matter where he goes. Anytime he meets a new person named William he throws them right on the scale. So one day I finally asked, "why do you keep doing this?" He replied.
"because where there's a Will there's a weigh."
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 16 2020
I went to buy some bees from a beekeeper, I asked him for 100 bees and he counted out 110. I said "No, no that's too many" He replied...
"Dont worry, those are freebees"
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 23 2020
Cowboy goes in to a hotel and says a single room and a wardrobe for my horse. Your horse sir the manager replied!
Yes my horse is a Mustang and it mustang somewhere!
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 29 2020
So the customer asks the chef if anyone orders steak raw and the waiter replied βyeh but thatβs rareβ
π︎ 20
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︎ Aug 22 2020
My kid sent me this photo of his ongoing travels. I replied, βThatβs a butte!β
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 25 2020
My son looked at me with a silly grin and asked, "What do you and an antique door have in common?" I shrugged and replied, "I haven't a clue, what?" He explained...
"You're both worth more than you used to be, even though you're unhinged and your knobs don't work!"
π︎ 20
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︎ Aug 15 2020
Making my morning rounds in hospital when I ask a patient how his breakfast was. "The eggs and sausage were fine, but the Kentucky Jelly was awful," he replied. "What 'Kentucky Jelly'?" I ask.
Then he shows me the empty packet of KY Jelly had smeared all over his morning toast.
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 23 2020
My daughter called me in a panic and asked, "Dad! My car just broke down! What should I do!?" I replied calmly...
"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"
π︎ 51
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︎ Aug 08 2020
A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, Iβll be right there, let me just...
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 23 2020
My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 01 2020
My three year old said to me, "I'm three years old." I replied, "Hi Three Years Old, I'm Dad."
He retorted, "Don't call me Three Years Old I'm Dad."
I have never been more proud.
π︎ 27
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︎ Jul 31 2020
Friday was roasting saturday and sunday brutally yet they never occurred a word. Wednesday, being a harmonist, asked them why they stayed mum for which they replied, "because we are weakened in front of you guys".
π︎ 2
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︎ Aug 14 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Nov 30 2019
Mike Tyson and I were talking about our friend Sarah who had just gotten into town. I asked, "so, how did she get from L.A. to here?" He replied...
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 19 2020
When asked whether his former coach liked artificially flavored sugary soft drinks, Lionel Messi replied
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 06 2020
When I told my new girlfriend that I want to be a millionaire like my dad, she gasped, βWow, your dadβs a millionaire!?β I replied...
βNo, but he wants to be!"
π︎ 17
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︎ Jul 13 2020
"Back so soon? I thought you went for a haircut, dad?" asked my son. "Well..." I replied. "My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused."
"I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions."
π︎ 13
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︎ Jul 31 2020
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
π︎ 10k
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︎ Oct 15 2019
A man and his wife had a shed in their backyard. The neighbor asked which of them built it and they both replied that they had built it, leading to a massive argument.
It was a real He-Shed She-Shed situation.
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 12 2020
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
While waiting in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant, Don was admiring a painting on the wall of a Chinese sailing vessel and said to his friend Mike: βIsnβt that a great looking ship?β Mike replied:
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 11 2020
My girlfriend asked me what my favorite extreme hobby was, I replied camping...
...Because itβs in tents.
π︎ 18
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︎ Jul 25 2020
When asked where his two new brooms were from, Harry Potter replied:
From the bargain store down on Diagon Alley, they were a Quidditch.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jul 18 2020
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?β Smiling, I replied, βTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, βWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?β
I explained, βBecause...heβs my newt!"
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 04 2020
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
βItβs easy peasy lemon squeegeeβ
π︎ 10
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︎ Jul 11 2020
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, βHave a good day, son.β I replied, βDonβt call me son, youβre not my dad.β He scratched his head and said...
βNo, but I brought you up, didnβt I?β
π︎ 89
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︎ May 14 2020
I went camping and a grizzly approached me. I was terrified. I was about to run, but the grizzly stopped and said, βyou will die in 10 days.β I replied, βwho are you??β
He said, βI hate to be the bear of bad news.β
π︎ 13
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︎ Jun 23 2020
A girl opened a studio called TatTat. When asked what the name meant, she replied...
π︎ 7
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︎ May 18 2020
I asked a tree if itβd tell me what itβs made of. It replied:
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 10 2020
My wife started coming down with the flu, and I asked if she'd had some citrus. "Oh, I forgot," she said. To which I replied:
"Orange you glad I reminded you?"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
I was reading a bedtime story to my daughter when the book abruptly ended. We were both perplexed, and my daughter asked, βIs it over?β, to which I replied,
βYep, thatβs all she wrote!β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
My dad had a Christmas ornament of Elvis dressed as an Angel on his tree. I asked my Dad why little angel Elvis wasnβt wearing any pants. He replied:
Because he died on the toilet
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
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