My friend said, β€œMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

Me: Cats. Cats love fish.

πŸ‘︎ 596
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My lawyer advised me of a hernia mesh replacement lawsuit

Sounds like a huge pain in the butt

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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During my hip-replacement surgery, I asked my surgeon if I could inject the anesthesia myself..

Surgeon: Yeah sure. Knock yourself out.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZappLegend
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?

He's finding it hard to deal with.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?

They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noapostrophe555
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I hope they can A-Ford a replacement
πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/originalripley
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?

Sorry, wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bionic_Sandwich
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
🚨︎ report
"Cheer up, you could be a replacement stake in the ground for barbed wire to stretch upon," said one new joke to another.

"Yeah, I guess I could be a repost," said the other new joke.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why were all the witnesses at Shakira's trial THJR replacement patients?

Because hips don't lie.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Where does captain hook go for replacements....

The second hand shop

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Northwestern253
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife's handbag is sorely in need of replacement. I offered to get her a new soft leather one, but she declined.

I guess she's not easily purse-sueded.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I just bought a replacement tire for 20 bucks more than I had paid for the old one which had gone flat.

Damn inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
My son was blind since birth so I opted to get him robotic eye replacements.

Now he's computer-eyes'd

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!

Home is where the heart is.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a replacement fart?

A substi-toot

πŸ‘︎ 380
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slarti08
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine from the south just got a hip replacement.

Now he Mississippi

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pussy_b0ss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a porcelain knee replacement?

Chi-knees

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frenzycowboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a replacement dog?

A sub woofer

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arb142
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
A hip replacement is when something hip gets replaced by something else that’s more hip.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm furious that all these replacement parts I bought for my water bottle only damaged it more.

This was the last straw that broke the CamelBak.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_will_regreddit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?

I think he just did it for a tin chin.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doodlebug02
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the dying router tell the new replacement?

Tell my WiFi love her.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FarkGrudge
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did Santa buy a replacement cat?

Because he started to miss his claws.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurthertz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
🚨︎ report
So today my dad says he needs a triple knee replacement...

β€œMy left knee, my right knee, and my wee-nie”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carolina_fireball
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you call a singing dog's replacement?

A subwoofer

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrak8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Quasimodo's Replacement

Once upon a time Quasimodo was growing old and wanted to retire. Before he could, he had to hire someone new to ring the bells of the Church of Notre Dame in his place. He placed an ad in the newspaper but only one man showed up for the interview. This man happened to have no arms. The man begged Quasimodo to give him a chance, and that despite his appearance he could indeed perform the duties of the job. Quasimodo eventually caved and gave him a chance. The next day at 1:00 sharp they met in the bell tower. The man with no arms takes a wide stance near the edge of the room and charges directly towards the bell at a dead sprint. He smacks the bell squarely with his head and it produces a wonderful sonorous ring. Pleased with the results, Quasimodo tells him that if he can continue to ring the bell for the rest of the day he has the job. 2:00 passes and the man with no arms headbuts the bell twice, at 3:00 three times, and on and on until at 12:00 he produces only 11 rings before he was so disoriented and concussed that he charges right past the bell, over the railing, and falls to his death. The next day when the police investigate the mysterious death of an unknown man with no arms Quasimodo was asked if he knew anything about the dead man. He told them " I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bygles
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Got the window replacement guy yesterday

Window Guy: "Once we get a delivery date from the factory, we'll call you to set up an install time. We like to shoot for 4-5 days after delivery. "

My Response: "So you'll call and give me a window?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/griff56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Lens replacement on a pair of glasses

So my daughter was playing tennis last week when she got hit by an errant ball knocking her glasses off. When her glasses hit the ground both lenses popped out. She brought them home and we fixed them.

Next day she said one of the lenses wasn't seated right. No problem. I told her to pop the lenses out and reseat them.

Her response, "I don't know how to get the lenses out."

My comment, "Hit them with a tennis ball. That seems to work well."

Silence. . . Well, just me chuckling to myself, but otherwise silence. . .

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacob_Marley
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2015
🚨︎ report
My mother-in-law informs me she is waiting on a knee replacement

Me: Then you'll have a faux-knee (phony).

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TravellingMatt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2015
🚨︎ report
So I saw a Septic Tank replacement Truck with a slogan that could only have been made by a dad

"We're number 1 in the number 2 business!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackorig
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2013
🚨︎ report
My friend said, β€œMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?”

β€œA cat” I said. β€œCats love fish.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?

He’s finding it hard to deal with.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcswiss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Where does Captain Hook go for Replacements?

The Second Hand Shop

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report

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