I've really enjoyed the past year here and have gotten some great material for my repertoire that never ceases to amaze the wife and kids, but I think it's time I had a short word with you all

Short

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TimothyLux
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My someday sister-in-law is getting hand surgery tomorrow, and is looking for some cheering up. Looking to add to my pun repertoire!
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lexxer90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2017
🚨︎ report
Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Add this classic to your repertoire

Kid: I gotta pee.

Dad: I've got a Q. Want an R?

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jkbyerly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad has three jokes in his repertoire that he always uses.

So I would imagine he would probably be pretty proud of me sharing his "jokes" on here. Even though they were a persistent annoyance for me growing up, I almost feel like sharing them with the Reddit world kind of takes away some of the specialness. I can't claim any of these are original, but outside of my father, I've never heard anyone else use them.

#1. Whenever he has to pay for anything ANYWHERE, he says, "my name is Crime". The usual reaction is a blank stare. Then he says, "Crime doesn't pay".

#2. Anytime we go out to a restaurant and the waiter comes to hand us our check he says, "No thanks we can't stay for the drawing, you can contact us by phone if we win anything".

#3. The mother of all his "dad jokes", this one elicits the most laughter. Anytime he tells someone how he met my mom he says, "In college I used to be her tutor. I tutored her in anatomy by braille".

He'll on occasion drop others, but those are the ones I grew up with and that he still continues to use to this day. The crime joke. Every. Single. Day. I'm surprised my mother hasn't murdered him after all these years...

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/meadwill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
🚨︎ report
A friend posted this one earlier. Definitely getting added to the repertoire.
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sasquatch_Bob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
🚨︎ report
My dad's repertoire

Here is a small selection of my dad's choice dadjokes.

Me - "Dad, hold on."

"I don't have an on to hold!"

Me - "Hey!"

Dad - "Oats!" or on occasion, in response to 'hey!' "...is for horses!"

Makes me roll my eyes so hard every time.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
🚨︎ report
Trying to improve my dad joke repertoire

After a conversation on the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and antibiotics research: "Why is the best disease research done in cities on the coast? Because they like to See de Sea!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingvigil
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
🚨︎ report
TIL: If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head.

Because it is capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 857
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I hear that Samsung are employing security guards at all their stores now...

...does this make them...Guardians of the Galaxy?

:D

Hotter half shared that with me the other day. We're trying to build up our dad joke repertoire with a recently arrived bub.

EDIT: for removal of apostrophe

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scalesthefish
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Security Guard's Repeating Joke

I’m not sure, but I think this belongs here:

I work night shift as a unit clerk at a hospital, and there is this one old security guard who goes on rounds to every unit. He always stops at my desk and cracks really cheesy, cringe-worthy jokes. He has this one awful (awesome?) knee-slapper that seems to be a permanent fixture in his "dad joke" repertoire. He’s said it 3 or 4 times already since I’ve started working here in March, so I'm pretty sure this joke is constantly on standby for him.

This is the exact conversation every time:

Security dude: How are you doing this fine evening?

Me (purposefully setting myself up for it): Pretty good. How about you?

Security dude: Really? WELL, I’ve never been pretty or good, so I don't know what that's like! Hahahahahaha (continues to laugh like this is the funniest joke that’s ever been told).

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bad-fish89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
🚨︎ report
What d'you call the amount of money a fortune-teller can make in a month, making predictions? [OC]

Her prophet margin!

..Not sorry, I've got to build up my repertoire of original jokes before my daughter's old enough to groan at them.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HylianHal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2014
🚨︎ report
Christmas Time Dad Joke

My dad loves trivia and brain teasers. He asks me "How many d's in Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer."

I figure people don't count the d at the end of red-nosed. So I say "4" with confidence....

He says, "nope....237." I looked at him, everyone in this sub-reddit know the look.

Then he starts singing " dee dee dee dee dee ..." to the tune of Rudolph.

I laughed and added it to my repertoire.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeTheBum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.