Short
- ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
- BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
- BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
- AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
- EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
- CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
- COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
- ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
- LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
- HEROES What a man in a boat does
- PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
- PARADOX Two physicians
- PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
- POLARIZE What penguins see through
- PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
- RELIEF What trees do in the spring
- RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
- SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
- SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
- PARADIGMS 20 cents
Kid: I gotta pee.
Dad: I've got a Q. Want an R?
So I would imagine he would probably be pretty proud of me sharing his "jokes" on here. Even though they were a persistent annoyance for me growing up, I almost feel like sharing them with the Reddit world kind of takes away some of the specialness. I can't claim any of these are original, but outside of my father, I've never heard anyone else use them.
#1. Whenever he has to pay for anything ANYWHERE, he says, "my name is Crime". The usual reaction is a blank stare. Then he says, "Crime doesn't pay".
#2. Anytime we go out to a restaurant and the waiter comes to hand us our check he says, "No thanks we can't stay for the drawing, you can contact us by phone if we win anything".
#3. The mother of all his "dad jokes", this one elicits the most laughter. Anytime he tells someone how he met my mom he says, "In college I used to be her tutor. I tutored her in anatomy by braille".
He'll on occasion drop others, but those are the ones I grew up with and that he still continues to use to this day. The crime joke. Every. Single. Day. I'm surprised my mother hasn't murdered him after all these years...
Here is a small selection of my dad's choice dadjokes.
Me - "Dad, hold on."
"I don't have an on to hold!"
Me - "Hey!"
Dad - "Oats!" or on occasion, in response to 'hey!' "...is for horses!"
Makes me roll my eyes so hard every time.
After a conversation on the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and antibiotics research: "Why is the best disease research done in cities on the coast? Because they like to See de Sea!"
Because it is capsized.
...does this make them...Guardians of the Galaxy?
:D
Hotter half shared that with me the other day. We're trying to build up our dad joke repertoire with a recently arrived bub.
EDIT: for removal of apostrophe
I’m not sure, but I think this belongs here:
I work night shift as a unit clerk at a hospital, and there is this one old security guard who goes on rounds to every unit. He always stops at my desk and cracks really cheesy, cringe-worthy jokes. He has this one awful (awesome?) knee-slapper that seems to be a permanent fixture in his "dad joke" repertoire. He’s said it 3 or 4 times already since I’ve started working here in March, so I'm pretty sure this joke is constantly on standby for him.
This is the exact conversation every time:
Security dude: How are you doing this fine evening?
Me (purposefully setting myself up for it): Pretty good. How about you?
Security dude: Really? WELL, I’ve never been pretty or good, so I don't know what that's like! Hahahahahaha (continues to laugh like this is the funniest joke that’s ever been told).
Her prophet margin!
..Not sorry, I've got to build up my repertoire of original jokes before my daughter's old enough to groan at them.
My dad loves trivia and brain teasers. He asks me "How many d's in Rudolph, the red nosed reindeer."
I figure people don't count the d at the end of red-nosed. So I say "4" with confidence....
He says, "nope....237." I looked at him, everyone in this sub-reddit know the look.
Then he starts singing " dee dee dee dee dee ..." to the tune of Rudolph.
I laughed and added it to my repertoire.
