I bought a record at the charity shop the other day, "Sounds That Wasps Make". I took it home and it sounded nothing like Wasps.
That's when I realised I was playing the Bee side.
π︎ 8k
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︎ May 03 2021
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?
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︎ Jan 10 2020
I just spent three hours chasing all the water fowl out of my yard...
π︎ 40
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︎ Apr 17 2021
My friend was telling me about the three bones of the arm
π︎ 26
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︎ Apr 29 2021
Three unwritten rules of life.
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︎ May 04 2021
My underprivileged friend will only listen to the b side of his records.
Itβs like he lives on the other side of the tracks.
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︎ Apr 25 2021
If a one L Lama is a holy man and a 2 L Llama is a beast of burden, what is a three L Llama?
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︎ May 07 2021
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
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︎ Jan 05 2021
In light of his record with these mega-projects, Elon Musk's proposed new Miami-tunnel gives new meaning to the term
"car-pool tunnel syndrome."
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 15 2021
The Beatles once recorded a song about a blue underwater vehicle.
π︎ 151
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︎ Mar 24 2021
What is always the score at the end of a βbest-of-threeβ match?
One won one, and one won two.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 31 2021
Three of the Teletubbies went shopping at the most expensive department store in town.
The fourth couldnβt afford to because she was Po.
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 08 2021
A Mexican magician told his audience he would disappear on the count of three. He says βUno...Dos...β *POOF*
...he disappeared without a Très
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Iβm in favor of three-carbon alkanes.
π︎ 4
π
︎ May 03 2021
Day three: whatβs the leading cause of dry skin?
π︎ 32
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I found an old vinyl record of insect sounds.
I put it on, expecting relaxing ambient sounds like cicadas and such, but all I got was a droning buzz. That's when I realized that I was playing the bee side.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
The three members of the *cult*ery
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. Iβm gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded βLolaβ and βYou Really Got Meβ. Itβs a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 15 2021
The Beatles tried recording an alphabet song....
But never made it past the Letter B Letter B Letter B Letter B
(Sing it you know you want to!)
π︎ 11
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︎ May 02 2021
I asked the barber to replace most of what the last barber did, make it three times longer, and give it three parts.
He said βoh, you want the Snyder Cutβ.
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︎ Dec 30 2020
A cat got into the guiness world record book
π︎ 6
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︎ Apr 22 2021
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that heβs cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. Sheβs puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
After I went to the dentist, I went and recorded a gospel album. My mouth was still numb, so I was drooling the whole time.
The album's called "Songs of Salivation".
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︎ Apr 27 2021
And Jesus said "come forth and win the kingdom of heaven!"
But I came 5th and won a teapot.
π︎ 11
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︎ Sep 29 2020
The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
π︎ 10k
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︎ May 02 2021
I don't get how it's possible to reduce the social distancing requirement from six feet to three feet.
In almost all cases its impossible to have three feet between 2 people.
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︎ Mar 19 2021
So thereβs this Spanish magician. His main trick was performing a spectacular vanishing act. He said that heβd vanish on the count of three. βUnoβ βDosβ
And then he vanished, without a tres.
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︎ Nov 14 2020
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 16k
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︎ Apr 14 2021
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 25 2021
What do you call the kings and queens of the beverage kingdom?
π︎ 36
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︎ Jul 19 2020
Iβve being breaking a lot of records recently...
I would have broken more if they didnβt kick me out of the music store.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 11 2021
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
π︎ 4k
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Currently in the process of uniting a kingdom
π︎ 14
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︎ May 15 2020
The cast of βFriendsβ got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Apr 13 2021
The Romans divided Gaul into three parts...
...probably used a pair of Caesars.
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︎ Mar 12 2021
The most important part of a mail pun, is the delivery.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Apr 20 2021
What kind of bird doesnβt know the words to their own song?
π︎ 3k
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︎ Apr 30 2021
The twelve days of Jokemas, day three
What do you call Rudolph with an umbrella?
A Raindeer
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︎ Dec 15 2020
Scientists have recently recorded the sounds of two helium atoms laughing
π︎ 62
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︎ Oct 21 2020
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can add; and,
Those who can't.
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 19 2021
What's the difference between a horribly dressed person on a two wheeler and a nicely dressed person on a three wheeler?
π︎ 25
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︎ Feb 09 2021
What is the opposite of Ladies fingers?
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Oct 30 2019
A Spanish-speaking magician announced that would disappear on the count of three. "Uno...dos...." POOF!
He disappeared without a tres.
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? Iβm going to do personal training for the band that recorded βLolaβ and βYou Really Got Meβ. Itβs a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
What do you call the kings and queens of the coffee kingdom?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 18 2020
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