Radio 4 Puns

It was St. Patrick’s Day and she was happy to get a “sham” rock!!!

(Full confession: Heard on a 1947 radio episode of The Jack Benny Program)

I had to support her with the trans-sister radio.

What's a pig's preferred form of communication?

Ham Radio

So my dad came home yesterday from work and said I heard a hilarious joke on the radio. My mom and I braced ourselves as the jokes my dad think are funny are usually not and painfully so. He tells the joke that he ate a bunch of alphabet soup and now he had to have a vowel movement

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

Is this bar tender

Ps. I heard this one on the radio

I keep telling them that Trans-sister radio shows are just not in right now.

I radioed my supervisor and said "Zulu Tango Sierra. You're not gonna believe this..."

(Credit: Milton)

Tom Hiddleston was on the radio earlier saying he couldn't reveal anything about his new TV series.

He has to keep details Low-key...

Radio Active

I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.

Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.

My dad when a foo fighters song comes on the radio:

“Have you ever heard of that band called the Flu Fighters?! They’re sick!”

Good one dad, good one.

Someone used it to play Rage Against The Machine. Lights out, gorilla radio.

10/4

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

Oldies are sometimes goodies. This one was on the radio this morning. Never head it before but thought you might enjoy it.

They'd received a tip about a bunch of Pumps and Hoses.

(I'm sorry. I just got off work, heard "pumps and hoses" on the radio, and a bad idea was born.)

Ham radio

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

“No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

“Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

“Batteries?” cried the wife.

“Yes,” he replied. “She sells C cells by the Seashore.”

Because he’s up “All Night Long”!

Heard this joke on the radio yesterday, I thought it deserved a place here.

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew i couldn’t turn that down.

The captain goes to use the radio to get help and says “we’re sinking! We’re sinking!”

The German operator answers “what are you sinking about?”

This morning, a local radio station had trivia going on, in which the first correct caller would win a free dozen donuts at a local store.

Radio DJ: 20% of Americans have one of these in their home, and despite not working, have no plans of fixing them. First caller, you're up!

Dad: (without hesitation) Hello, I have the answer, I'm ready for the donuts!

Radio DJ: (laughs) What is the answer?

Dad: Teenagers!

Radio DJ: Next caller, you're up!

ME: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

ME: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

ME: No, it was with a knife...

My mom stares at me confused and then gets angry, while my dad grins from ear to ear, with a single tear of pride.

Went shooting at an outdoor range. With my 11 year old boy. After putting 1000 rounds down range, we headed home. While driving home after like 10 mins...

Me, "my ears are messed up, the radio and the tires sound funny".

Son, (holding up three finger) says,"how many fingers am I holding up?"

Me, "What, I said my ears are messed up not my eyes!"

Son, (still holding up his fingers yells at the top of his lungs) "HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP?"

Im still laughing!

Today I took a class out onto the oval to investigate the strength of radio signals in different situations. For one, we wrapped a radio in foil and as I was unwrapping it a student commented that they hoped there was food inside.

I finished opening it and said 'oh man, it's a radio - mum must really hate me' to which another student replied 'I know, it's not even a ham radio...'

Was so proud!

When we have special promotions, I can make a commercial on the radio that says "don't take this shale for granite!"

My dad, sister and I were driving home the other night when a U2 song came on the radio. He asked us if we knew what the song was about (Sunday Bloody Sunday). I knew, and mentioned it's unfortunate source. My sister then asks from the back seat "Are U2 Irish?" to which my dad responds "Nope! We're Canadian!" and then begins laughing so hard that he is practically in tears and snorting. He didn't stop for a good 2 or 3 minutes. My sister and I just shook our heads slowly.

We were listening to the radio when a commercial came on for an event called "Golf for Autism." She turns to me and says, "well that's a shitty prize!"

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

Who's there?

Radio

Radio who?

Radio not, here I come!

It was because at the time we only used HAM radios.

Me: Do they ever play this band on the radio? son: of course its imagine dragons. me: so they are active on the radio? son: looks at me for a second, oh jeez me: so they are radio-active!

(From Abbott and Costello’s radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen — in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother — Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an “icebox” a “refrigerator”)

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said “Mike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

From the Red Skelton radio show, with Red playing Bolivar Shagnasti, interviewing a new performer for his circus

Lady: I’m a performer.

Red Skelton: What’s your forte?

Lady: Pardon?

Red Skelton: Your forte.

Lady: No, I’m only 39.

One of the classic  Abbott and Costello  routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money.  The skit ends with a simple ‘read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill.  This routine was done  many  times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10  
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right.  [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.

I remember years ago when in my remote town in Alaska there were 10 men stuck underground. I don't recall the circumstances that got them into this situation but it was clear that if they didn't get out soon they weren't going to make it.

All of our local rescue and public services were unable to get them out and they were running out of time. With only 18 hours remaining they sent for the only expert who could help, a rescue operations legend Mr. Puh. If he could get a plane into town it could make all the difference.

I remember gathering around the radio, biting our nails, as weather conditions worsened and threatened the planes journey.

I don't remember how long I stayed awake that night, but I will never forget the words I heard when I turned the radio on in the morning: "Puh not in, ten dead."

In line at the cafeteria.

Coworker: "is that John Mayer on the radio?"

Me: "I don't know, Mayer may not be."

A radio draws the waves, and a clothesline waves the draws.

A classic Abbott and Costello routine from their radio show – where Bud Abbott is talking about his Uncle Herman who works in a dye factory, and Lou Costello confuses “dyeing” for “dying”

My stepfather and mother have been doing some remodeling in their first house to get it ready to put on the market, so they are fixing up some things, and I was giving them a hand. As we were working we had the radio playing.

My mother notices a light switch on the wall in the bedroom that isn't working quite right. She says, "Honey I think there's something wrong with the light switch."

To which my stepfather replies, "What's wrong with it?"

My mother says, "It's making a weird noise. I think it's humming. Why is the light switch humming?"

My stepfather says, "That's probably because it doesn't know the words."

So we've been driving for about 30 minutes down state route 1 and talking has died down a bit. We're just listening to some oldies on the radio when my dad says, "Flo Rida must be pretty popular down here. I keep seeing his name everywhere." I replied, "really? I haven't seen it anywhere..... Ugh Shut up dad."

Edit: Key West is the most southern part of the state of Florida, USA. Flo Rida is a rapper. Flo Rida is really popular in Florida. My dad saw Flo Rida a lot during our drive in Florida. If you don't get it yet, leave /r/dadjokes

Edit 2 because people keep struggling. If this doesn't help you understand the joke you're lost.
Flo Rida
Flo rida
Florida

In a rental car full of people, the satellite radio has a cute doggo as an icon and one of my party asked what it was and I said it controls the sub woofers... Nobody laughed

Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

Friend: Seriously!? Who!?

Me: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

Friend: WITHERSPOON!!??

Me: No, it was with a knife...

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife...

DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife