A quote from my dad: β€œso you’re going to the doctors... but that’s actually the perfect time to go to the dentist... 2:30.... because tooth hurty *poses* dad jokes!”

Word for word what he said because he just said it a moment ago

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smoopie6
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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I was asked to put either an inspirational quote or a joke on the message board at work.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatdavidgeezer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Somebody wrote a quote at the bottom of the pool.

It was deep.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shieldedtoad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
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Help me to understand a pun, how I found it quote unquote.

I’ve never seen an old man named Kyle or Justin πŸ€”πŸ€”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Some-MCFC-Fan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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My wife got angry because I quote Yoda too often.

Met my quoda I have.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesoverhard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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I just called a landscape gardener round to give me a quote for some astroturf..

He said he couldn't do it because my garden is portrait.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seany_Mallie17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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blursed yearbook quote
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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She is such a great author... here's my favorite quote from her.

"That's what."

-She

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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I read a Braille quote earlier

It was touching. Will be handy to know.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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Did you hear about the collection of related network web resources identified with a common domain name that has nothing but quotes and their authors?

It's a web-cite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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A quote for when you’ve hit rock bottom
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Pinetree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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[ACTUAL QUOTE] A$AP Rocky was released from Swedish prison today. Donald Trump's tweet in response to his release:

"A$AP Rocky released from prison and on his way home to the United States from Sweden. It was a Rocky Week, get home ASAP A$AP!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gentlesir123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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My yearbook quote this year! I didn’t want it to be very plane.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asian_dodo
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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What are your favorite quotes?

Because I'm quite fond of these: ""

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words β€œI have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is β€œa case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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"People who quote themselves are dumb"
  • me
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πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
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My son told me that any Thanos quote can be used in a conversation and it will still make sense.

Impossible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samrf1202
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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I was reading quotes from this subreddit to my mother and asked if she wanted me to stop.

Mom: Go right ahead I’m fully engaged! Me: No, you’re married.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PyropeGamingYT
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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Someone showed me a meaningful quote on Instagram

I told him I already reddit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yabhay-Cake
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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I asked my friend if she could find some quotes about happiness for me

she said she was positive she could find some

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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I read a quote in the elevator yesterday.

It was really uplifting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reddituser__exe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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Senior Quote
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dravved
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
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My kids were taking forever to finish their breakfast, so I had to quote Kanye West to them.

I said, β€œOmelette you finish.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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Out of context quote from my dad

"I know people, most of them have dementia, but I know people" He's a nurse at an old people's home...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatkIdwIthwIfI
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Why does everyone quote Ben Kenobi?

Because he has great Wan liners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vector_Dozal_47
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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What is the skunk's favorite quote

I stink, therefore I am.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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When someone asks what a Nietzsche quote means

The answer is always "nothing"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwesomeWookie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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Quote in the Hard Rock Cafe Rome imgur.com/RcY3kzK
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iulioh
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Wrote some quotes on my feet in preparation for an exam, the rules never mentioned anything against using footnotes
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casperillion
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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What do you call a quote from dragonballZ?

a super sayin'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disipointpanda
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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My Favorite Aspirational Quote Is...

"Just breathe."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dereklipkin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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”I don't like it when people emphasize words or phrases by following them with ”quote, unquote”.”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gargolito
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2016
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I just don’t get why people hate me for making fake quotes

I am just providing some contexts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/109488
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2018
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A quote from George W Bush

Those stories about my intellectual capacity do get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, β€œIntelligence briefing.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryzikx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2017
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Called a business to get a quote... The Guy that answered is definitely a dad.

P- "Hello, Peter speaking"

D- "Hi Peter, this is Daniel speaking."

P- "We must be related!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Graciasamigo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2014
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My favorite quote from Colin Mochrie

Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the Friars to close down their stall which was outside the mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one Friar, "Well if it was anyone else we might have gotten away from it, but unfortunately only Hugh can prevent florist Friars".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BabiesOnQuack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2014
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Powerful Quote of the day

"Sometimes change will not be given to you. You must ask for it." - John Masilela

Who is John Masilela? John Masilela is a bus conductor. Now read the quote again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ishallsaythisonce
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2016
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Actual quote by a sheriff at the Oroville Dam news conference:

"This is a fluid situation, obviously..."

context: http://www.kcra.com/article/evacuation-orders-issued-for-low-levels-of-oroville/8735215

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matt111098
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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Quote from Dad at the Washington Monument...

"George Washington may be the father of this country, but Coca-Cola's the pop!"

He had a good laugh...but no one else did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/razmig
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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Quote from Tug McGraw, baseball hall-of-famer and father of country singer Tim McGraw

A reporter once asked Tug if he preferred playing on grass or Astroturf

Tug's response: "I don't know, I've never smoked Astroturf"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/za1reeka
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2015
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Much like everyone else, my dad's quotes were made for this subreddit

While watching golf, some golfer named Chris Wood came on the screen.

Dad: "Hey, any of you guys know his brother, Stiff?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bromosapien234
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2013
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Growing up, I always thought this quote from my dad was very powerful when I was angry.

Son. It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supermav27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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My dad's top 3 weird quotes/jokes
  1. Anytime anything rattles he says "that sounds like 2 skeletons making love in a biscuit tin."
  2. Any beeping, anywhere, ever, he grabs his chest and says "is that my pacemaker?"
  3. And the most awkward (he regularly says this) "I believe in sex, drugs and rock and roll... well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad." Then he sneers. Smugly. Every. Time.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IanWoansBatCave
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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My favorite bible quotes

" "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaltimoreBirdGuy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
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