I kept telling my brother not to put the Q-tip in too deep, but he never listens to my words.

It goes into one ear, and out the other.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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While in the bathroom, my wife said, "Honey can you give me a q-tip?"

"Capitalize Q when it's at the beginning of a sentence."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/starchybunker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly?

The words are right on the tip of my tongue.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trajan_Optimus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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The blockage of the Suez shipping canal is going to cause a worldwide shortage of toilet paper....

Unfortunately I ran out of toilet paper already so started using lettuce leaves. Today was the tip of the iceberg.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...

The tips were huge

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoreTITS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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How do people lose their kids in the mall ?

Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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I don't know how our Mohel can possibly make a living.

He only works for tips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Feel free to help punctuate.

Guess who I ran into at the White House restaurant today Donald Duck He was engaging the cashier who was asking for a tip Do you know what he says Put it on my bill

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πŸ‘€︎ u/home_nee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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My dad was stunned when I rattled this off

He has been complaining about his ear for the past few days, possible infection. He was saying how he couldn't hear well and how his ear itched but he couldn't scratch it.

"Man, that must be ear-itating"

"Do your homework"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
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How do you pay someone that is giving you a circumcision?

Tell em’ to keep the tip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wonkagloop
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Ladyfingers are the opposite of mentos

Dad hat tip to u/xcammanx

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lytical
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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What's the name of the dessert consisting of Espresso poured over Vanilla ice cream?

It was on the tip of my tongue, but Affogato.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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What do you call a loose fitting dress on a cow?

>A MOO MOO!

<<Thanks folks! I'm here all week! Don't forget to tip your cows!>>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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What's the difference between a sneaky alcoholic and a clumsy plastic surgeon?

One takes a nip of the tipple, the other takes the tip off a nipple.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Why did Vice Squad raid the water treatment plant?

They'd received a tip about a bunch of Pumps and Hoses.

(I'm sorry. I just got off work, heard "pumps and hoses" on the radio, and a bad idea was born.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OOOH_WHATS_THIS
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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I’d tell you the one about the lettuce,

But it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rumpystumpy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Son, you should always tip the waitress

Tip her, but don’t let her fall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuffedmemes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
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My friend is a medical professional who does circumcisions for a living.

He doesn't get paid much, but at least he gets to keep all the tips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rajdhagat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Maid Got Fired

I hired a new maid last year but she wasn’t doing a great job. I called her into the study and told that I was sorry but I was going to have to let her go. I tipped her an extra $20 and thanked her for her services. As she was leaving she threw a $10 bill to our dog, Lucy. I asked her, β€œWhat was that for?" She replied, β€œCan’t forget my helper! Lucy has a great tongue, and always helped me do the dishes!!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]

The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marajyub
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I just got sent a severed penis in a box with no address

Guess it was an anonymous tip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkGamerGirlx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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I went to one of those insect restaurants, and the service was terrible

Apparently it’s because fly-tipping is not allowed!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I’ve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness

The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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What do you call the risk of tipping $50 instead of $5?

Tipping hazard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrDebolisher
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My proudest dad joke

This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.

I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.

Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"

I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kjc2022
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?

They only get paid in tips.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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I don't know why fly tipping has such a bad rep

If I think the flies have done a good job, I'll leave them a tip, I don't care. I've heard the pay is shit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robjzh5
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to have a job circumsizing elephants

It didn’t pay much but the tips were big

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmhdragon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do waiters like people who fall over gracefully?

Because they tip well

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LMB2001
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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Pilgrimage

If I made a slightly neurotic medicine to cure old age, I'd call it the 'Pill-grim-age'

Everybody would pay thousands to go on a trip to pilgrimage. :)

(first pun ever. Any tips how to get better?)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unable_Math
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A disgruntled Google Cloud employee asked me for advice on how he could get back at his boss. I told him...

"Don't forget to tip your server."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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My synagogue is famous for how little the mohel charges for a circumcision.

He just works for tips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brewer1056
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I need some help fixing my new pen.

Anyone have any tips?

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterMcDoctor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Apparently, new government advice in light of the toilet paper shortage is to use lettuce leaves when using the toilet.

It's the tip of the iceberg (courtesy of my dad).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nathd1991
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
WHO?

So it seems that the World Health Organisation has determined that canines cannot contract or transmit the CORONAVIRUS. They are releasing all dogs from infected homes which are currently in quarantine.

Yes, we're happy to say that WHO let the dogs out. WHO? WHO, WHO,WHO. WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!

Thank you very much, I'm here all week. Dont forget to tip your waitress....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mdoldon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother has me worried. Any time he drives by a milk farm, he pulls over and leaves a few dollars on the fence.

Doesn’t he know cow tipping is illegal?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Quarantine Tip #2:

Diarrhea is an early symptom of Coronavirus infection.

So try to loaf as long as you can.

That's a solid tip.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I once new a guy that used to do circumcisions

He told me, β€œThe money isn’t great, but I get to keep the tips”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarl_draven
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BilhoeBaggins
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How do people lose their kids in a mall?

Seriously, any tips are welcome.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Safazz146
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves

But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of toilet roll so am reduced to wiping my butt with lettuce leaves.....

I fear it's just the tip of the iceberg.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrFabulous0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Ran out of toilet paper and am now wiping with lettuce leaves.

Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slammogram
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How do people lose their kids in a mall?

Seriously, any tips are welcome.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Run out of toilet paper and having to use lettuce leaves

I'm really annoyed. And this is just the tip of the iceberg!

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report

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