I promised my new girlfriend the sun, the moon and the stars....

So, I took her to the planetarium.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I promised my wife I'd follow her into the afterlife if she died, but it took me longer than expected.

"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WideEyedWand3rer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
10 years ago I promised to myself not to touch a drop of drink while I'm at work.

I haven't touched a job since.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
For all those who promised their SO they would be with them 24/7

It's tomorrow!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elik101
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I promised my classmate I’d stay totally still whilst he did his maths homework against my back.

β€œGood” he said, β€œbecause I’m counting on you”.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KikkoAndMoonman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My dentist promised me he won't expose any of my treatments...

He said they're all confidental

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
For father's day breakfast, my daughter promised she'd make pancakes. Then she said she wouldn't. Then she said she would. Then she said she wouldn't.

Now she's just waffling.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The pharaoh promised workers they would be rich if they bought into his MLM construction plan.

It was the very first pyramid scheme.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I promised my wife I would look after her 6 cats while she went to a business conference...

I pre-tended.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A mathematician comes home drunk at 3 AM. His wife: Hey, you promised to be in by 1145. What the hell happened?

Him: No, I told you I’ll be home by a quarter of twelve.

πŸ‘︎ 804
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I wasn't going to visit my family this summer but Mum promised to make Eggs benedict...

So I went home for the hollandaise

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I WAS on top of the laundry. Then my wife had to ruin everything and tell me to fold it like I promised and stop lying on it while I watch TV.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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I promised your mom I’d move mountains for her...

So I brought her a mole hill and made a really big deal out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/impressiver
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
When my grandpa turned 70, he promised he would walk a mile every day for the rest of his life

It's been three years since then, and I have no idea where he is

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crowningwalrus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I've promised my family and friends not to sing Bruno Mars' Uptown Funk anymore

Dont believe me? Just watch.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArashiKaru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
🚨︎ report
If you have promised your partner or children that you will love them and cherish them 24/7...

Remind them that today is

24/7

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g0dfarter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
🚨︎ report
If it doesn't rain on Wednesday, my girlfriend promised to get mildly frisky with me

Hopefully it'll be a dry hump day.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godredd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I promised myself I would get a 4K TV for the family in 2016.

It's my New Year's Resolution.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/H-TownTrill
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
🚨︎ report
He promised me pumpkin pie when I got home. I was disappointed
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laaofa23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
🚨︎ report
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 933
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife often uses the promise of raunchy sex to get little jobs done around the house.

The plumber told me.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......

Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carpet_tart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun.

I de-liver

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
High school started out promising for me, but I ended up selling meat as a job.

I guess you can say I butchered my grades.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamz000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry puns

So from today I'm detergent to be better.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trev2-D2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Number wars, a dad joke story.

6 couldn't believe it. 7 had finally gone off the deep end. 7 had long offended 6. A repeat 6 offender if you will. But this was unforgivable. 9 was his best friend. How could he do this to his best friend? How could it be that 7 ate 9?

6, filled with fury, called his friends 2 and 4. They would get even. 10 was the best friend of 7 you see. 2, 4 and 6 ate 10 to get even. They then began plotting further revenge, but 7 acted first. He gathered 1, 3 and 5 together to take down 6.

Realizing that the odds were against them, 2, 4 and 6 retreated. Their only option was to turn to 12 who had twice the resources 6 had. 7 couldn't follow.

12 quickly called 3 to find out what the root of 7's attack on 9. 3 wasn't sure. He had only supported 7 because of a long standing friendship. But 3 promised to get to the root cause.

Meanwhile, 7's scheming was not yet done. 12 was powerful, but there was one who could reverse his decision to harbor 6. If he could just convince 21, nicknamed blackjack, to reverse 12's decision, it would all be over.

Three times 7 went to 21's compound. On the third try he was able to get through. After explaining that 6 had masterminded the elimination of 10, a grand meeting of the numbers was called.

Both 6 and 7 argued over the whole thing. 13 had the unlucky task of adjudicating the meeting. Each time 13 made an argument, 6 and 7 would add to it by shouting over each other.

Finally, 21 had had enough. "7, why did you eat 9"

7 responded "I just wanted to get 3 square meals." 21 had 7 eliminated for initiating the battle and 6 jailed for masterminding 10's death. And the war was over.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
"I hope you keep your promise this time!"

"Me too! I have my fingers crossed!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Puns! Quips. Jokes!
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P131NYRFC3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandma was famous for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so everyone could visit and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

πŸ‘︎ 410
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
My 8 year son old came up with this yesterday

You know what an eight year old would be most sad about if he or she lost their pinky?

Not being able to make pinky promises.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noonegivsadamm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to college after promising to make payments for tuition with tender cuts of meat...

For the next ten years, I'll be paying off my student loins.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Is that a tread or a promise?
πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fightmilk22
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.

I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuietFalls
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I looked at my wife and proclaimed, "I promise to love you 24/7!!"

She looked lovingly at me, eyes welling with tears as I continued, "And today is the day!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Supermilk

I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.

So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word β€œlegendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, β€œNo, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Damark81
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
If Michelle Obama were to run for president in 2020 on the campaign promise of legalizing marijuana, what would her campaign slogan be?

When they go low, we get high.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tydyety5
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of rocks are sour?

Limestone! This was made up in the car by my 8 year old son as we were driving home from our Fathers Day outing. Promised I'd share it.

πŸ‘︎ 767
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnkirk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I always wanted my dad to grow a beard and would try to get him to not shave in the mornings. As he began shaving, he would always promise me that he’d start growing a beard β€˜tomorrow’, but he never did.

He was a bald faced liar.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A promise

For my highschool, Prom is this weekend. A group of friends asked the guy behind me in class wether or not he was going. He said no. He then said...

"I promise to go next year"

Then I turned around and said...

"Oh. You... PROM-ise to go next year?"

He said yeah then went back to work. 5 seconds later he slowly looked up at me with the "really?" Expression.

Worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the chicken cross the road? (I promise the punchline is original) reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/co…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrj760
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
So I my son started to bark at me

Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WisdomThingy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked you to pretreat those pants, you better not try to make the puppy do it..

or else I'ma start singing "WHO LENT THE DOG ZOUT"

(Alright I think these are out of my system... no promises)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Son, I love you, and I think you rock

But I promise I will never take you for Granite again

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M0ral_Supp0rt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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