Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.

Now she's a small medium at large.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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i got a prison sentence

i don't remember what it said.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wesamzxc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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If you're taken to prison and serve a short sentence

It becomes a word

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πŸ‘€︎ u/p_tally
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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"Hillary for Prison" is not a real sentence.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonvandine
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2016
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I was sentenced to 5 years in prison for stealing kitchen utensils.

I guess it wasn't worth the whisk.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2022
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I got sentenced to life in prison for cutting off an animal’s limbs.

I’m confused, I thought I had the right to bear arms.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLaziestPotato
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2021
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A judge had sentenced me to a lengthy prison term, but under one stipulation.

The judge stated I was to serve my entire sentence completely alone, and in a cell made out of playing cards.

He called it, "Solitaire confinement"

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2022
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My best friend got sentenced to life in prison, and I wanted to console him

I said, "Imagine you're a cat!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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A man was sentenced to 20 years in prison when he inadvertently contaminated the food supply of 30 specimens of America’s national bird.

His actions were highly ill-eagle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Where do prisoners when they get a light sentence?

Prism.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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My twin brother called me from prison. He said β€œso you know how we always finish each other’s sentences”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skol_vkings
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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A man was arrested after putting an explosive in a male cow.

The judge sentenced his to prison and said his actions were a bomb in a bull.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RemnantReturning
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2022
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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A judge recently sentenced a geologist's chauffeur to prison...

He was found guilty of trafficking miners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/guydoingthings
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
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via Explosm.net
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aditya_malu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2021
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Breaking News:

A 60 year old man was arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he’d get off light but the district attorney ended up slapping a bunch of other charges on top of what he had originally been charged with, which added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and probably incompetent, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a maximum security prison with no chance for parole, so he will probably die there.

Officials all agree that sentence was way too long.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrilledSpamSteaks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2021
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Early release

A stuttering man was released from prison early

He could not finish his sentence

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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I'm Hilarious

Guys heard about fragment that got arrested? He's only serving a short sentence in prison.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kramrebla12
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2015
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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The Minister for Prison's new law

My Father messaged me, out of the blue, showing me what Dads do best: "The minister for prisons has persuaded the government to pass a law to require all sentences to be shorten" Wow.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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