What’s the difference between Taxes and Texas?
Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.
Which villain doesn't pay their taxes?
A German women was arrested for faking her taxes
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25 You know why?
If you go to jail for tax evasion....
....aren't you basically living of taxes, for not paying taxes?
My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”
My friend told me their new job pays $300k, before taxes.
I said, "that's just gross.."
When my doctor told me my plastic surgery was free of charge
The look on my face was priceless
When I was a single man, I had tons of free time.
Now that I started listening to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
For my birthday my brother bought me an elephant for my room.
I said "Thanks." He said "Don't mention it."
Apparently the COVID vaccine causes constipation
When I got mine the other day they told me I had to wait 3 weeks to get number 2.
When I was a kid it was free to use the air hose at the gas station. Now it’s $1
i have too much free time.....
I once lived in a tax payer funded gated community.
I was released for good behavior.
It would suck not being able to eat bread :')
Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?
He's a master of deduction
How much free space does Europe have?
A fisherman came to me telling me he had just reeled in the biggest fish hes ever seen, and that he was going to give it to me for free.
I asked him, 'whats the catch?'
I'm on the fence about the COVID-19 vaccine, but the free stuff you can get for showing your vaccination card looks really nice.
I guess it's worth a shot.
A guy was in a booth giving out free high fives
Another guy comes up to him and asks “do you have any down lows?” The guy said “sorry I’m all out, you were too slow”
From a friend: Krispy Kreme is giving away free donuts if you’re vaccinated.
Why not a cough-fee instead?
My daughter goes to a school that requires a uniform. Occasionally, the administration will reward the children with a free dress day.
For some reason, my daughter never comes home with her free dress...???
I used to believe in reincarnation…
…but the inheritance tax was astronomical.
IRS Auditor: For your tax return, you just wrote down “Money for Nothing, Checks for Free??”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Auditor: Yes. In Dire Straits.
What do you call a tax on imported cow manure?
A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.
"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"
"Why?" the boy replied.
"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"
The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."
Texan Politicians eat free!
Knowledge is never free...
My 6 year old daughter was listening to music with me and came up with this one: What is a bananas favorite Tom Petty song?
You Dont Know How It Peels
Sherlock Holmes walks into a bar
Sherlock Holmes walks into a bar and orders an IPA. "I've earned this, I just finished my tax return," he tells the bartender. "Luckily I'm getting tons of cash back, thanks to all my brilliant deductions."
A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
I have been a part of free Britney since 1999
We called it Napster back then
Today, in a cultural fair, I found someone was giving away free balloons to children
So I took my phone to this shady repair shop
Apparently someone ‘stole’ my battery overnight; so she gave my phone back to me, free of charge.
The ad said “Free Violin”...
But there were strings attached.
Hope this one doesn’t blow up on me.
Iamonthemoonandthereisnoplacetogetabeer.
Youmightsaythereisnospacebar.
A man walks into a bar with a mysterious box under his arms.
Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink
The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Disclaimer: Not original.
To the guy who stole my punchline...
What’s the difference between taxes and Texas
At no point have my taxes ever been frozen.
Tax audit guy: It says in your file that you have money for nothing and checks for free.
Man: Am I in trouble?
Tax guy: Yes. In Dire Straits.
Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. You know why?
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