Did you hear about the queue for practical jokes?

It was a great punch-line.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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Practical jokes for the car

These are some of the practical jokes my dad would do while driving to "entertain" us:

  1. Driving slow next to a jogger, turning down the window and asking "You seem to be in a hurry. Need a lift?" I would usually hide under a seat in shame.

  2. On a hot day in a car without AC, he'd use the standard question "Hot enough for everyone?" which just gave him groans and a loud "yes". - "Well, in this case I can turn down the thermostat again". (Of course, he'd just been turning it up right before his question without anyone noticing)

  3. Instead of driving right in a roundabout and taking the third exit, he'd drive left and take the first "to save gas", creeping the shit out of everyone. This was out on the countryside with no cars anywhere to be seen.

Any other stories you guys have?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yes_oui_si_ja
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2016
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My wife isn't happy I'm practicing my dad jokes early

My wife and I are expecting within the next two weeks. We were at my parent's house when they asked when the baby naming would be.

Wife: It will either be on Monday or we'll name it Thursday.

Me: But I don't like the name Thursday...

From the number of groans I got, I think I'm gonna be a good dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattityahu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2014
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Creepy situation? Calls for a dad joke

So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:

At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit β€” the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.

Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me β€” I’ve never been one to split hares

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurtvan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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I was at track practice and I made a joke and ever since then we’ve made that joke every day.

It’s a running joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chicken-littler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Just realized I dad joked the foreign exchange student the first day of track practice.

*walking down the line asking everyone their name.

And whats you name?

"Lauda"

WHATS YOUR NAME?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodLuckLetsFuck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2014
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Dad joke at play practice

At play rehearsal we were blocking out a scene, the director explained during this particular scene the lights on one portion of the stage would dim to highlight the two with solos. One cast member asked, "When the lights go dim on us, do we freeze?" one of the older fellows in the cast cut in, "No, we'll still have the heat on." Loved it.

Edit: play rehearsal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaleDavid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
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Being a dad now, I decided to practice my dad jokes in comic form. Got no love from /r/comics so I thought I'd try my luck.

I'm not here to make you laugh. I'm here to make you groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faschwaa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2014
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I am practicing my dad jokes for when my newborn arrives

So my wife and I were talking about everybody loves Raymond and how sad it was that Dorris Robert's had past away.

My wife said, "did you know that all three kids were siblings in real life?"

I responded, "Well I knew the twins were related!"

She did not find it as amusing as I did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wings0fIcarus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2016
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Dad jokes at baseball practice

Background: Head on a swivel = slang for "quick reflexes", more or less.

So some of us were taking a water break on the bench, when I spotted a wild baseball traveling right for my head going about 80 mph out of the corner of my eye. I lifted my glove and caught it in the most nonchalant way I could.

Team mate: Wow dude, way to keep your head on a swivel.

Me: Oh, no, my head is on a neck.

Team mate: blank stare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mdog95
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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This guy's been practicing at dad jokes since I've known him. Level 60, and still not a dad.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5parky
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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My son is too young to get jokes, so I'm practicing on the wife

We have a cat that always seems so upset when we kick her off the furniture, and tonight my wife said "I hate doing that, she takes it so personally". I said "she probably takes it catally". The confused look on her face during the 5 seconds of silence, before she finally said "oh" and rolled her eyes, was great.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vertigeaux
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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What do Jews put on their Chinese food?

Oy sauce!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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r/dadjokes is recruiting moderators, join us!

Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)

-

Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,

Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.

Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.

So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.

Answer these 3 questions in your reply:

  1. How would you describe a dad joke?
  2. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
  3. You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?

Only apply if:

  • You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
  • You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
  • You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
  • You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
  • You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)

We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:

  • You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
  • You've got some automod experience
  • You've got some sub-customisation experience

Don't apply if:

  • You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
  • You're more concerned about Internet points than real people

We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?

You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)

Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook so I said I’d share it here. He’s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. He’s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.

For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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I play a Minotaur Ninja in D&D,

He practices Cow-mouflage.

(I stole this joke from Sam Riegal.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Logerith12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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Puns about clocks are the easiest

Now, if you have a lot of time on your hands, let me explain. These puns are a timely solution to anyone starting to dadjoke. With enough hours of practice, they become clockwork to deliver. Sometimes it's best to watch others perform the joke. I know, some of you may be ticked off with me (which isn't alarming) using my firsthand information on how to easily make a pun and how it has really wound you up. Yes, I'll hand it to you, making a simple pun is second-best to the more thought out grander puns with all the bells and whistles. Whatever makes you tick, I guess.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatDamnCat_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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Dad Joke About Yoga

I was asking my girlfriend about her yoga classes, and she said she wasn't really into the spiritual side of yoga, and it weirds her out when some instructors end the class with a communal 'ohmmmm'.

Me: So you're saying there's some resistance to the ohm?

She laughed. She's a keeper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbast
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
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How does an ant put on a tie?

With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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I think dads automatically gain access to a dadjoke reservoir the moment they become dads...

My aunt recently had a baby, and she was telling us about the experience the other day at a family get-together. How beautiful her little girl is, how amazing the experience was, yadda yadda. Then she told us about my uncle's reaction, which she was less than thrilled about.

When my uncle saw his daughter for the first time after my aunt had just labored for hours, he said:

"Damn, it's 2013, you'd think they'd have started making these things cordless by now."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CloudyWithRain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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Talking to himself

Walked into the kitchen to hear my dad talking to himself. Realized I caught him mid conversation with a carton of soy milk.

Soy Milk: nothing it's soy milk.

Dad: Hola milk. Β‘Soy Dad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Helen_Killer_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2013
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Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.

She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over"

Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over"

Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilkCanMatt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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I was talking to a girl who makes historically accurate clothing for fun.

It started out as just one dress, but she enjoyed it so much that she started making more. She told us that she is now fully embracing her hobby, and had decided to wear corsets for a week to prove that they can be comfortable and not torture devices. To which I replied: "So I guess you could say that your hobby is fully embracing you!"

Bonus: About 10 minutes previous, I had told one of the other people in the conversation that I'd been practicing my dad jokes for years before my daughter was born.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flaquito_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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Alright I got two bangers here

Dad Jokes are great and all, but I'm more into Sun Jokes. They're a little st-upiter and talk about Uranus a lot, but they're equally funny.

I went to practice my joke routine at a cemetery recently. The audience was really lifeless. Except for this one guy, he had a really deadpan laugh though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyrus_Leo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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My dad at the hospital (after having a vasectomy)

my dad had these tubes in his nose, with oxygen when he woke up, and the nurse was around doing medical stuff..

Dad: Is these tubes necessary? can I take them out?

Nurse: I can try turning them off?

nurse is turning the medical ventilator off ...

My dad grasps for air

Nurse jumps in shock turning the ventilator on again and turns to look at my stupid father laughing

Nurse: "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!"

My dad was pretty woozy at the time and still he made the practical joke of the year

Haha! ahh I love that old bastard..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mons388
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2013
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Student with a cast on his arm walks in to class and says β€œI can’t write with my right hand today.”

I ask, can you left with your left hand?

Many students gave me props for the dad joke. One student said I sound like their dad. While I have no kids of my own, I’m glad I get to practice my dad jokes on my students.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrono116
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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I couldn't believe I rewired a piece of equipment incorrectly...

I was shocked!

So true story, I rewired an electric chain hoist at work today, and I followed the Wire diagram as it was laid out. But when I went to try it, I got a nasty shock. Turns out a customer had tried to rewire it themselves and swapped the ground and the live wire in the controller... mean practical joke? I don't know. But it woke me up!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeerBellies
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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80% of people who post here don't understand what a dad joke is!

It takes lots of Dad-ication and years of Pun-ishment. To some it my seem im-Pa-ssible to learn how to make a good dad joke, But keep practicing and one day you may become Pop-ular

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubeykeebler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
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I just dad joked my dad!

My dad got sharp white cheddar cheese as a gift.

Dad - Hey Vinnythepooh come try these cheese and crackers.

Me - (stick cheese in my mouth and start chewing) Ouch, oh shoot that hurt.

Dad - What happened?!

Me - That cheese cut me it was so sharp!

Dad - You jackass thats my line!

Me - (proceed laughing hysterically)

I just recently became a dad so I've been practicing my dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinnythepooh
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2014
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RIP Yogi Berra

"The future ain't what it used to be."

The man practically invented Dad Jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bass_n_treble
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2015
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Hands playing soccer

In my practice to become a dad, I thought up this corny joke and wanted to share it!

One day my right and left hand decided to play soccer against each other. First my right hand scores, and then my left hand scores twice, and then my right hand scores once again. Now the score is 2-2. My hands start calling out to me, "Human, help me!". "No don't help him, help me!". "I'm your favorite hand, help me!". They continue bickering as I decide which hand to help. Finally I came to a conclusion. "Hands, the score is 2-2 and you want me to help one of you to be the winner. But there's nothing I can do... my hands are tied!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bmac951
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
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I'm not a dad, but I thought it was a good joke.

Yesterday a guy in my history class had a bag of ice wrapped around his shoulder (he's a tennis player and I think he just came from practice). I turned to him and said, "Looks like someone gave you the cold shoulder."

He didn't like/get the joke, but it got a chuckle out of my history professor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ser_Klatu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
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So I'm a new dad, but I think I'm doing this dad joke thing right.

I'm a newly minted dad as of three months ago, but I've been practicing my dad jokes for years. In other words, I'm great at bad puns and face palming humor.

I gathered with a group of friends to see an old friend who we hadn't seen for a while. She was telling us about her new boyfriend. After saying that he was a cop, and also a culinary student I quickly quipped:

"So he really does Protect AND Serve."

Followed by a big new dad grin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardedBatsard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2015
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I just found this subreddit, here's a couple of my favorites from dear ole' dad. I can only hope to be a blip of his greatness when I'm his age.

How do you kill a blue elephant?

  • With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?

  • Choke him till he turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!

All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.

  • Why'd it hurt your stomach? Minstrel Cramps.

I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.

He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."

Goddamnitdadwhyyoudothistome.

These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my friends to become as punny and corny as a father should be with jokes. Someday I'll make him proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CptSmackThat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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So, I was telling my kids about the history of eating black-eyed peas and greens on New Year's Day...

[this one is actually technically a mom joke]

...and I was explaining how the practice originated during the American Civil War, but they're still young, so I had to explain how we got into the war.

Me (Dad): "...so the South didn't like what the North was doing and they decided they wanted to quit the country."

Wife (Mom): "AND THEY SECEDED! ... Get it? SECEDED! HAHAHAHHA! It's like succeeded, but it... nobody?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunsOfAluminum
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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Even during this, my dad still tries to pull off a joke

So, let's start off with a fact about myself: I'm vegetarian. I've been one my whole life. Now, let's get to the story.

Basically, I was driving down to camp at a Battleship with my dad (for a Boy Scouts trip), and this was during my first 6 months of learning to drive. This was the most intense trip for me (so far), and I was already nervous about driving on the interstate, so I was doing my best to practice proper driver etiquette.

Now, here's where the story gets interesting. I'm cruising down the interstate, going approximately 70 mph in the middle lane, when all of a sudden, I see a deer emerge onto the road from the right. It's running to the left (aka, trying to cross this interstate). The car to the right of me slams on the brakes, so the deer kept running. I slammed on my breaks as hard as I could, BARELY missing the deer. The car to the left of me was unlucky. The deer smashes its head into the left car's headlight and it flips over to the right (over my car). Clearly, it's dead, and as it flipped over my car, a lot of its blood gets onto my windshield.

I'm horrified. I kept driving forward. Trying to make sure I didn't veer off or anything. I look to my dad, and my hands are slightly shaking while I'm continuing this trip. My dad looks over to me, smiles, and says, "Don't worry, my 'deer'. Keep driving."

I looked back at him with the most disgusted face, and he just started giggling. Good god, this was NOT the time for a dad joke, but nevertheless, my dad didn't fail to deliver.

I thought I'd hate him forever after this and people would agree with me, but now this joke gets one of the largest laughs from people at parties. <_<

tl;dr My dad's sense of humor appalls me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chunkymonkeyman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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Not to be outdone

My wife and I were outside cleaning up the rest of our halloween decorations. I was walking to the garbage with a decorative hay bale.

wife: "Hay" where are you going with that?

Me: I've had enough of your lame jokes. This was the last "straw"

Two and a half years practicing as a father....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vyktus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2015
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I used this joke!

My friend said this on facebook: "Really digging this new Living Sacrifice Album. Also excited to find out that Still Remains released a new album!!"

My response, as if there could possibly be more than one:

"So, you're saying that Still Remains... still remains?"

I'm a dad to a 19-month old, so I have to get all my practice in now that way I'm a pro by the time he's old enough to understand my awesome dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KigerWulf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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A customer in the restaurant I work at got me twice.

I work at Chiquitos in the UK, I was seating a gentleman and his daughter and pointed toward a booth which was set to my right and asked

"Is that one all right for you?"

To which he replied "Its on my left actually."

Later, when I was taking the payment I made small talk and said

"So, are you up to anything good today?"

He said "No, might do something bad though."

Told him that I could only aspire to his level of dad-joke, he said it might take some years of practice. I can only hope.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManderlyPieShop
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2014
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Was reminded of this one when I came home for the weekend

Me: If you're going into the kitchen, can you make me a bowl of ice cream?

Dad: * waves hands * abra cadabra! You're a bowl of ice cream

It was his favorite joke and always got eye rolls from my brother and I. He was practically rolling on the floor when he got to use it on me last night. I will admit, cracked a smile

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerSpice24
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
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What do you get when you cross a hard playing pianist and an organ?

A sex joke.

As an upcoming new dad, first kid expected in May, I am getting my practice in!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thestamp
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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Politicians and Guns

My apologies for this joke having a long lead up, but stay with me for a second and you'll understand. With the Ontario provincial elections having come and gone, it had reminded me of this getting dad joked by my uncle and a bit of underlying sarcasm that goes along with politics and the voting process. I was at my uncles farm and we were setting up for some target practice for my son and his buddy. My uncle says to me go into the shop there in the left front corner and grab one of those targets I have. As I execute my search for such item I see that they are old politic yard signs with paper targets stapled over top. I come out teasing my uncle that it looks like he's now supporting the green party, to which he reply's (queue dad joke).....

"Figured Id give 'em a shot"

Now let that sink in like I had too!

Damn he's good, and at age 78 Im totally impressed!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontwanttosleep
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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