*Play laugh track*
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainCamoroni
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Maybe
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ali2ajjour
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Hair today, gone tomorrow. (Stolen from r/tumblr)
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Domolord156
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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Did you hear about the train robbery down in Mexico?

They said the robber had a loco-motive.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenburrito_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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(to my wife this morning): Ugh, babe, think i have that Corona virus. Her (seriously): Oh my gosh, what do you mean?

Me: I had one too many Coronas last night and i'm not feeling that great.

Her:(rolls eyes and leaves the bedroom)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/guitarman61192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee.

*insert laugh track here*

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Froxaii
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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What did the woodpecker say to the metal clock

Your timeing is In-peck-able friends laugh track

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emeraldninja_yt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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Three Dad Jokes on the way to school this morning.

So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.

12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.

Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]

6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.

Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?

12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?

Me: Because I've got loco motives!

At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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What kind of track does a clown car race on?

A laugh track!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Salmon_Fanta
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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I was sitting in my dad's recliner when he came home.

He says to my mom "Honey, did rocky(our dog) crap in my chair?" " WHAT?! No. Why?" " because there's a turd in it"

Commence 15 minutes of laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jabman96
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
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Was in the car with my dad this morning...

A Smashing Pumpkins track started playing. (Mayonnaise)

My dad perked up and said he liked it. I told him it was on the same album as "Disarm".

He paused for a moment before sheepishly smiling and said "Disarm, or dat arm?"

Thanks for the laugh this morning, dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_radioteque
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
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A train just came by

Riding home with my girlfriend (now wife because of this) and we crossed over some railroad tracks. I let out a loud, "hmmmm."

She said, "What?"

Me, "A train must have just come through here."

She, "How do you know that?"

Me, "Because it left its tracks."

Me laughing hysterically, I could actually hear her eyes roll.

One of my favorites and eight years later, we're still together. The ladies love dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murica1776PewPew
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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I dad-joked my wife. We don't even have any kids.

We were driving through a rural area near here when we went past an abandoned horse track, complete with stands etc.

She was pointing it out and saying "oh look, there's even the ticket booth!" and the like when she spots the horse stalls in a falling down old building.

She said "Do you think those are stables?"

I looked over at them and replied "Hmm. I don't think so. I mean, they don't look very stable to me!"

It was such a good joke that I laughed myself horse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theredkrawler
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2014
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My dad told me this story...

Not really sure if it qualifies as a 'dad joke', but I laughed my arse off. He was telling me about a joke he played on my mum when they were younger, before I was born.

We're from Australia, and there's a lot of places out woopwoop that are just empty. Him and mum were driving in the middle of bumfuck nowheresville, and they came up to a train crossing. Only thing is, because of where it was, there weren't any boom gates; it was just the track cutting through the middle of the road. On each side of the road was really high grass, so he actually had to poke the car out a bit so it was on the tracks to be able to see on either side. So he pulls the car out (in Australia, the driver is on the right side of the car instead of the left), and he looks to his right. No train coming. He looks to his left, and mum also looks left. Dad sticks his hand out the window, screams NO!!! and slams his hand on the side of the door really hard. It scared the shit out of mum so much that she actually started crying. He told me this and we both posses ourselves laughing for about 10 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnholyDemigod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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The wife walked away after this.

We were gift shopping and passed by the board games. I looked over at my wife and said "hey honey, i heard Harrison Ford loved this game". After she looked over, I showed her a white box with the name iKnow.

She growned, I laughed. She left the general vicinity and i lost track of her for a while.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dokpsy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2015
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My kids think they can control the Apple TV with their mind

You can get an app on your iPhone/iPad that acts as a remote control to Apple TV. Using this, I have convinced my kids that you can control the Apple TV by thought alone. They practice by yelling out commands to the TV which I then do from another room.

In addition to that, I sometimes pause shows, fast forward, rewind, skip tracks, etc., at random times. I have the kids convinced that the other one must have accidentally thought something a bit too loudly. They fight over it while I sit the other room, silently laughing myself to death.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
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It was a good one. He cracked himself up

So yesterday I had vision correction surgery and on the ride home my mom called. My dad answered it via the car phone and my mom was asking how it went and all that. The conversation went as follows:

Mom: Hi how are you doing? How's Phil?

Dad: Hi we are good. He was in and out in about 20 minutes and they gave him a CD with only one track on it as part of the recovery package.

Mom: Really? What for?

Dad: Just to ease the anxiety he may experience shortly after the surgery. It's the song I can see clearly now.

My mom proceeded to crack up over the phone and I think she accidentally hung up as well. My girlfriend and I were laughing hysterically as well.

Knowing my dad, he couldn't wait to drop that one.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
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