Llmao
they said I have a great sense of tumour
Father working on the roof. Wind blows the ladder over.
Him - Well It3mUs3r, I guess this means I'm counting on you now!
Me - Don't worry Dad: I won't let you down!
So there was a man and woman at a bar. The man says "I bet you 5 bucks this magic water will make me fly!" the woman clearly didn't believe him so she accepted the bet. Sure enough the man jumps off the roof and flies for a bit until he gently goes back to the ground. The girl was amazed! She said "You should market this stuff." "You could make millions!" Still in shock she asks for a drink. She takes a swig and a small crowd forms because this girl is about to jump off of a building. She jumps off and falls onto the pavement. The guy is laughing his head off. Suddenly someone shouts from the crowd "You're a mean drunk superman!"
When I was 15 there was a Home Depot bucket next to the front door for a while. One night I was watching tv with my mom. She was laying on the couch and I was laying on the floor.
My dad got home from work and as he was taking off his boots he asked “Hey, where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” And without skipping a beat I said “I don’t know. Home Depot?” My mom laughed so hard and my dad was pissed. I got grounded for a week for “being a smart ass”.
I’m now 26 and to this day when my dad and I go to Home Depot I always chuckle and point to the buckets and ask “Hey dad, where do you think those come from.”
On one of these trips I picked one up and was examining it when my dad asked me what I was looking for. I turned the bucket upside down and said “Well would you look at that dad. They’re from Lowe’s.” I thought he was gonna knock my ass out right there.
TLDR: My dad: “Where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” Me: “I don’t know. Home Depot?”
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡...Tooth pics
She said it was CURRENT-ly available.
I laughed my ass off. She didn’t get it. I explained. Got a dirty look.
.... worth it.
This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you 💖
He said, "I gotta P" I assumed he meant piss but he pulled out a Piece of paper that had the letter P on it and handed to me Then he said, "Now you gotta P"
I'm still laughing
Edit: he did this and in front of my family and made me laugh my ass off
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said
"I like to play a little guitar"
The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.
My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.
EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.
There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.
I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.
Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.
Ok, so this one needs a bit of buildup.
At the time (a week or so ago) I was making a homebrew item for DnD (for the uninformed, Homebrew are custom made items/classes/spells to use in a DnD game at the discretion of the DM (Dungeon Master)).
I had shown this item (shameless plug) to my friend (who is also the DM of the campaign I'm in now) in the hopes of using it in the campaign. He had pointed out that the item was a bit OP for it's cost and that the homebrew page I had made for it was too long. We were discussing ways to improve both the item and the page, and then got on the topic of magic items in general.
It went something along the lines of this:
DM: ... you can't really destroy a magic item before removing the magic from it. Like, you could try to melt down a magic sword for example, but all that would really do is make it too hot to hold. You could even bend it, but not outright destroy it.
Me: That's gotta be one pissed off magic sword.
DM: I mean, yeah, if it's sentient.
Me: Maybe it got so angry at being bent, that it gains sentience just spite you or something.
DM: Well, yeah maybe.
And this, people of reddit, is when the PUN, popped into my head.
Me: *leans in* you could say that the sword gained sentience cuz it got... bent out of shape.
A second or two of silence, and I see the pun register in his head, and I fucking lost it.
I then laugh for a straight minute. After about ten secunds of me busting a gut, he said "Aight, Imma head out"
We're cool now, but he really didn't want to talk to me the next day.
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit ➡A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.
Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"
Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.
The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.
Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"
Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."
She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"
He responds, "I shit you knot."
He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.
Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.
As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.
A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.
When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,
“Excuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”
“It’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. “I’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”
Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.
“Ya see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"
My son and I were in Lids picking out a nice hat for a Christmas present. We wanted to see one on the top rack so the employee grabbed her little hook tool to grab it. Well, she dropped it on the floor... I told my son "I think we can get it for dirty percent off!" My son smirked and laughed just barely but started saying no dad, just no. I was pretty proud of myself!
A man laughing his head off
My family were on vacation and we were going on a hike. We had been walking for a little over an hour when my sister she had something in her shoe that was bothering her.
She asked us to stop so she could take it out and my dad excitedly agreed. I was super confused as to why he seemed so excited, so I stopped as well.
My sister sat down, took off her shoe, and my dad gasped dramatically.
“Oh my god! There was a foot in your shoe.”
He proceeded to laugh himself to tears, while I laughed at his reaction to his own dad joke.
- What's a dentist's favorite time? Tooth-hurty!
- How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
- I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
- The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. Wow, it was tense!
- All my lamps are gone... and I couldn't be more de-lighted!
- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- Chemists give the best advice, they've got all the solutions.
- A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
- Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
- I had to make these bad science jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Did any of them make you laugh? Don't tell me no pun in ten did!
The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.
After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.
One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week
One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.
Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.
When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,
It was that damn coffin that killed him
I saw him picking up a quarter off the floor.
I said to him, "Is that where you keep all your quarters? That makes a lot of sense."
He says, "Yeah, 25 cents." then laughed for 5 minutes to himself, then kept laughing about it sporadically throughout the day.
Edit: I just wanna say thanks to my s/o /u/rainbowdongs for being so hilarious. <3 Happy anniversary! Love you!
I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!
- As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
- Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
- Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
- I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
- Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
- My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
- I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
- I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
- I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
- The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
- I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
- I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
- I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
- If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
- I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
I broke my nose in a really stupid horse-related accident in Montana.
Dad takes me to the local walk-in clinic. It's mostly empty, as it's around 7pm. As we're giving the insurance information and whatnot to the receptionist, Dad is busy doing that thing where he's texting without his cheaters so he's having to squint and hold the phone away and he's really not paying attention to some question the receptionist is asking...
So I whack him on the arm (with a towel held to my face) and say "Dad, pay attention."
Unblinking, he turns in my direction, without even looking directly at me, he mutters "Shut up, or I'll hit you again."
The receptionist was not pleased. He told the same joke to the doctor who stitched me up, and he laughed his ass off.
Actually, dad cracked so many jokes that the doctor kept having to pause while stitching up my nose. He took so long that the anesthetic wore off and I could definitely feel the last few stitches.
Dr: "Now sir, the stitches are going to cause your daughter's nose to swell quite a bit." Dad: "EVEN BIGGER!? That's amazing!"
Me: "Shut up Dad". Dad: (pinching his nose, speaking nasally) "Shut up Dad".
Unamused 18 year old daughter.
I'm a waitress and this one got dropped on me today when a family of 5 came in. They had previously stated they were in a hurry so brought them the check and said (i should probably mention that I have a very southern accent) 'I know y'all are rushin' so-' the dad cut me off with 'No, we're Americans.' His kids and wife were not amused and I just busted up laughing and high fived him. Anyway, I thought you guys would enjoy it.
Got my whole Tafe class with this, thanks to a good setup from a mate. He says: I can't believe that guy stole your gate! The class: what the hell? Me: yeah, I was watering my front lawn, and this bloke walks up to my gate, looks at me, picks my gate up off its hinges and walked off with it! The class: what??? You didn't say anything?!! Me: no, I didn't want him to take a-fence... The class: laughs and groans of disappointment as they realize they fell for it.
Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.
"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.
"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.
They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.
"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.
"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.
"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.
"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"
"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."
"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.
"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."
As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.
"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.
"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."
"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.
"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.
"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.
"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.
"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.
"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."
-
The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
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A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
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I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
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The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
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In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
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A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Waiter: Ok, we'll leave olive 'em off for you!
He thanked us for laughing, as he said he "usually just gets groans"
So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.
I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".
There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...
[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]
Got my daughters with some quick thinking last night.
I was annoying my younger daughter with some fatherly banter when she complained, "Dad, can you NOT?"
To which I replied, "Yes, I can! I just take two bits of string and tie them together."
My bonus reward was the sound of my older daughter noisily expelling the big mouthful of drink she'd just had back into her cup, before laughing her head off.
My work here is done...
I was in my dads room when my phone went off, it was my girlfriend So I say to my dad "Just a second, my girlfriend is calling me, Dad" To which he replies "Why's she calling you that?" He then gives a belly laugh to himself and leaves the room.
It was a party mostly with parents and their children.
A kid (about 5 years old) stubbed his toe and started crying.
One of the dads said, “Oh, you stubbed your toe? Want to to call the toe truck?”
I know it’s not fresh, but I laughed my ass off and was slightly bitter that I didn’t think of it.
Me: I've got a fatigue lab tomorrow morning.
Dad: Wow, that sounds tiring.
He laughed so hard he nearly fell off the pavement.
He wanted to show me something on his phone and handed it to me. The screen was off and when I turned it on the PIN came up to unlock it. He says "Ohh the password is (He just does a short laugh like "Hahahaha")"
Turns out Ha is Thai for 5. Also, that was all he wanted to show me.
I was standing in the lobby of the movie theater after Star Wars today and this old man walks up to me and says "Did you hear about the kidnapping at the library?" I said "What?" and he asked again if I heard about the kidnapping at the library. I said I hadn't heard about it and the old man said "They woke him up!" and just walked off. No grin. No laugh. No expression. Just walked off.
My Bio professor was teaching us how to press plants for our field journals. He kicked off the lecture with:
"Well, let's get down to the pressing business, shall we?"
Out of a room of twenty people, one person laughed. That person was me.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡The fans responded: "Because your music just raisinates with us!"
Laughing off the pun his fans had just made, the grape replied: "Well, that's raisinable!"
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡