Eating a free hot dog.
Friend: How does it taste?
Me: Quite good, frankly.
Friend: Do you practice puns?
And that's the proudest I've ever felt.
Why couldn't the bell pepper practice archery?
Because he didn't habenero!
What religion does a bacteria practice
What kind of self-defense does a Jewish Trump supporter practice?
I finally got back into practicing with my boomerang.
At first I couldn't get it, but it's coming back to me now.
My daughter got out of choir practice. She was talking about who her favorite conductors were, and was really excited about her favorite ones, because she said they were very good conductors.
Did they stick their fingers in an electrical socket?
"No... Why..?"
Well, then, how do you know if they were good conductors or not?
My wife has been telling me to put a stop to my animal impressions for a while now. Today, she furiously told to me stop a flamingo impression I had been practicing for a while now.
I realized that was it, and I had to put my foot down.
They say practice healthy eating…
Where can you practice multiplication tables on New Year's Eve?
Proud dad moment happened today!
My son and I were driving home from his baseball practice when we see a car with a vinyl wrap. All digital camo. I point it out and said “that’s a nice car huh?” And he replies “what car? All I see are wheels.” It took me a second to realize what he said. So I looked over to him he had the biggest smirk on his face. I almost teared up.
Unlike Judaism, a ceremonial ritual for slaughtered food is not practiced in Christianity.
That's separation of church and steak.
They just found a planet practically identical to earth, but it has two suns.
Did you hear about the queue for practical jokes?
It was a great punch-line.
TIL that Jackie Onassis Kennedy has a famous sister. She is practically a household name.
May Onassis, she married into the Helmanns family.
I started practicing complementary medicine.
Creepy situation? Calls for a dad joke
So this is a true story, and maybe I’ll go to hell for telling it, but I expect I’ll meet the actual perpetrator there:
At baseball practice last night, a coach asked if I’d seen the rabbit — the dead one. What? He had me look by a fence where there wasn’t a dead bunny, but HALF of one: Literally (and eerily) just the bottom half, with the top completely missing. Still shuddering over this.
Properly disposed of it and was feeling unsettled, but sprung right back to true dad form when he jokingly accused me of harming the rabbit. I told him that he knew it couldn’t have been me — I’ve never been one to split hares
I told my bowmen that I would pay anytime they need to get some practice in at the course.
They’re free range archers now.
What do you call a killing before yoga practice?
How would Karl Marx react to Covid 19?
He would practice socialist distancing.
A man walks into the doctor's office
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's.. erm .. well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Ah ok. How do your trousers fit?" asks the doc.
"Like a glove."
Making pennies is very practical...
Dad to his son; “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”
Son; “Go on, then.”
Dad growls; “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
Son; “That’s Superman.”
Dad; “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
I’m not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks.
It helps me speak boulder.
My son had a rough time at little league practice - after striking out three times, he lost interest and wouldn’t stop smelling the dandelions in the outfield, getting one stuck in his nose.
My army instructor told me he didn’t see me at camouflage practice today.
“Thank you, sir!” I replied.
I'm not a dad yet, but I'm practicing for when I am (should be in about 20 years)
Me: "I've been getting better at biking with no hands"
Mum: "That's a handy skill"
Me: "Actually it's a no handy skill"
I may not be a dad for a while, but I’m getting some good practice in.
I was pondering some of the practical arts that are dying out like silversmithing and coppersmithing.
One of the most tragic is the art of hand making exit signs which is really on the way out.
This is (practically) the corniest gift imaginable. At the bottom of the soon to be gift wrapped box of corniness was a pair of Korn tickets for my lady...who enjoys my corny puns.
I had a minor accident at the practice
Accidentally played a major
Everyone keeps telling me to practice social distancing,
but when am I supposed to stop practicing and actually do it?
My son thought males and females were practically the same...
I told him there was a vas deferens.
What do you call a polar bear living in Florida?
A solar bear
Bonus: what do you call a bear that practices dentistry?
A molar bear
My wife told me that I smell good
I said “thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K...
I’m not sure how he expects anyone to run that far!!!
What do you call sick highschoolers who practice social distancing?
I was having trouble playing a song on guitar and my teacher said "practice to a tick"
It didn't work at all and now I have Lyme disease
Why did Ghandi hate flatbread?
Because he practiced naan-violence.
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
because It didn't habenero . .
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery
Because it didn't habanero
Why couldn't the Green Pepper practice Archery?
because it didn't habanero
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?
. . . because it didn't habanero!
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