That gif with the guy throwing a cigarette into a pipe sure is blowing up

https://gfycat.com/AstonishingSeparateIberianmidwifetoad

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hideous_coffee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2017
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Texted dad to let him know that I picked up the pipe elbow needed for the pool.

Me: I think I have your elbow. Dad: I thought I felt someone grab me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/angelicmckayla
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2015
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I went to dinner with a cannibal family I know. The conversation was flowing. Their daughter suddenly piped up β€œMummy I don’t like Nanny”. The mother replied...

β€œWell leave her on the side and just eat your vegetables”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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Speaking to a friend: "My mother once told me, 'if you want to go further on your journey, you have to take that next step, no matter how daunting'." My friend piped up, "Don't you mean farther?" To which I replied:

"No, I'm fairly certain it was my mother."

Credit to B.C. (comic strip), most likely paraphrased since I read it many a moon ago, though I'm fairly certain the punchline is very close to the original.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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Went to visit my brother in the city and noticed he had cute little statues in his garden that lit up and moved around with the music he had piped out there.

He said they were metro gnomes.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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Quick as a flash my dad

Me: β€œHey mom what’s puree ?

(Before she even takes a breath my dad pipes up)

Dad: β€œThat’s a Canadian”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chairebear
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Proud dad moment

My eldest and youngest boys (8 & 3) came in to mine and my wife's bedroom his morning to say good morning.

My eldest says that he's hungry at which point, before I could say anything, my 3 yo pipes up.

"Hi hungry, I'm Zachy!".

So proud...

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Seth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...

Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?

Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.

The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...

Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?

Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head

This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...

Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH

Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block

πŸ‘︎ 193
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogOnACouch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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So proud

Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said β€œI’m warm.” Son piped up and said β€œI can finally say this - Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nitrogen1138
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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On a hot summer day, a woman has a hankering for a hot dog. She walks to the nearest hot dog stand and gets in line. Looking up to the front of the queue, she sees an elderly gentleman ordering a bratwurst...

He picks up the ketchup bottle, glances at it and gives a hearty chuckle before slathering his brat in ketchup.

Puzzled, the woman watches as the next customer, a young girl, walks up to order her hot dog.

As she takes the container of relish, she bursts into a fit of giggles and walks off with her food, still laughing merrily.

A middle-aged man steps up next. Shoveling sauerkraut onto his hot dog, he laughs uproariously and walks away grinning.

When she reaches the front of the line, the woman asks the hot dog vendor,

β€œExcuse me, sir, but why does everyone laugh when they get their hot dogs?”

β€œIt’s simple, ma’am.” he says, handing her a piping-hot sausage. β€œI’m surprised you haven’t discovered for yourself.”

Glancing at the mustard, the woman lets loose a peal of laughter.

β€œYa see, ma’am? The real_joke’s always in the condiments!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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My child has been learning what a metaphor is

I asked, is it like a metafive but not as good?

Got a laugh from the teacher and a groan from my kids. Mission complete!

Update: my wife just read the post and I started giggling and said 'I make myself laugh', my seven year old piped up 'you don't make other people laugh'

I'm so proud of myself

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepineapplehea
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus. He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play...

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.

There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.

The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.

The octopus took it and stared for a bit.

After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.

This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.

The bartender said, β€œI’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.

The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.

The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, β€œHurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus spewed, β€œPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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The clown with the dented car

A clown was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. His clown car was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that he was a clown, so he decided to have some fun. He told the clown just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the clown went home, got down on his hands and knees and started blowing into his clown car’€™s tailpipe. Nothing happened. He blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

His roommate, another clown, came home and said, β€˜Β€ΒœWhat are you doing?’€ The first clown told him how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled his eyes and said’, "HEL-LOOOOOOOO "! You gotta roll up the windows!!!

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/the-clown-with-the-dented-car/

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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My Minivan has a loud whine when I jiggle the wheel

So I'm driving down the road one day sitting next to my wife with the four kids in the back of the Minivan. I mention to my wife "Have you noticed the van has a loud whine when you jiggle the wheel?". She get's a concerned look on her face "The van is pretty new, what do you think is wrong?". I respond "No idea, maybe you can tell me where you think it's coming from".

I jiggle the wheel back and forth, the van sways and sways, and out of the back seat a voice pipes up "DAAAaaaAAadddd, stop iiitttt, I'm trying to reeeaaaadddd".

One of the best parts of being a dad are the Jokes, even if I'm clearly the only one in the family who appreciates them :D

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SSChicken
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2018
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Sure my dad didn't write this, but it was always one of his favorites. The organs were having a meeting...

"Did I ever tell you about the asshole?"

"What?"

"Well, the asshole was at a meeting with all of the other body parts, and they were deciding who should be in charge of the whole body, right? So first, the brain says, 'C'mon, obviously I should be the boss. I do all of the decisions, thinking--why is this even a question?'

'Well, good luck doing all of the thinking if you can't see where you're going,' say the eyes. 'We should be in charge.'

'What good is it going to do seeing, if you can't get anywhere?' asked the legs.

'Well, without us, you'd have no oxygen,' said the lungs.

'Are you serious?' said the stomach. 'How are you supposed to process energy and do any of this stuff, without me??'

'Well, what about me?' piped up the asshole. 'I'm important too..'

'You?!?' laughed the other parts. 'Shut up, asshole!'

So the asshole went on strike.

A week and a half later, the brain couldn't think straight. The eyes couldn't focus, the legs were asleep from sitting on the pot, and the stomach was so jammed up full of crap that the lungs could barely breathe.

Finally, they all went to the asshole and said, 'Look, we're sorry, we're sorry!! Just come back to work, you can be in charge!'

...and that's why all bosses are assholes."

Miss ya, Pops.

πŸ‘︎ 728
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paprikashi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2015
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The Pundits - Part 1

A quaint little men's class,

a few with class,

some smelling of a gin glass,

some with eyes of a lass,

the remainder eyeing a lad,

but all glad,

and all present,

youngster of the present,

bearders of the crescent,

readers new testaments,

preachers of old testaments,

bearers of saffron tenets,

wearers of white tints,

weird lovers of croissant,

well, all here, will all hear?

we never know,

lets look at the show

 

The English teacher, said,

"how to drink a juice?"

i know, said bart the bartender,

"with vodka and chicken tender"

the weirded beardo now angry,

showed he was a shouter,

wanted to be a bart-ender,

while shushing the crowd,

use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,

"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,

"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,

"no sir" said the voice,

I'm extra maker,

spoke the voice quicker,

Mr.White scratching head,

"I'm an ex-straw maker",

the air cleared.

 

Proceeding further, Teacher continued,

the class was listening, eyes glued,

"etiquette is important" he said,

"wear napkin before eating",

their faces changed,

pulse now beating,

Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",

an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,

"if you bleed, education you don't need"

the English sir, now a sundered bloke,

calmed the masked fish market,

as his God's fate chisel hammered,

"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,

a brief silence, and too many whispers later

"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,

"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,

with damage now done, Silence resumed.

 

>ThePundits

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themadraspaiyan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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My dad gave us this

My folks came up to visit. My mom flubbed the coffee, putting the grounds in the water chamber and she had to disassemble it and clean it before making coffee. Once we had piping hot cups all around my dad chimes in with this:

"You know, messing up the coffee is grounds for divorce."

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaberkaty
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2014
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My daughter: Catching on to both dad jokes and great 90's alternative music!

We were listening to Pearl Jam's "Alive" in the car this evening. She pipes up out of nowhere:

"Q: What does Eddie Vedder wear to bed?"

"A: Pearl Jammies"

She's 12. I'm proud.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doubletwist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
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I was in an archery class...

...and the instructor was talking about the longbow. As he was going on about how it could be used by both right handed and left handed archers with no difficulty, I piped up and said "So it's am-bow-dextrious?"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LieutenantHardhat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
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Dadjoked by a surgeon today...

The nurses were talking about weight loss tips and the attending surgeon piped up. "You guys know the secret to losing weight is gambling, right? Just last week I was in London and I lost more than a few pounds."

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamthewarthog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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The pied piper of tomatos...

...was playing his pipe and all the tomatos in town start to roll out of the gardens and followed the young man.

Near the edge of town, however, the tomatos started to slow down.

The young man looked back, stamped his foot and yelled β€œcatch up”!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raymesalila
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
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My 10-year-old daughter just got me.

Was on the phone with my ex-wife (her mom) discussing when she would pick up our daughter for visitation tomorrow and she (my ex) was telling me about a minor fender-bender she was in the other day.

She said she filed a police report since the other person drove off and I replied that she did the right thing to cover her ass, and my daughter pipes up: "that's because she's wearing pants, daddy!"

I have to be doing something right.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoofaFighters
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
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Help needed for a colour pun

I'm currently developing a game for my studies based on the old windows Game Pipe Dream (or Pipe Mania). It is two player and competitive where each player works for one of two rival companies. The game has a steampunk theme and each company is represented by a different colour. Green is Greenpunk Industries. I need your help, pun masters of reddit, in coming up with a pun for the Blue company.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TimeTraveller264
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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A dad got dad-joked by his own daughter

Took the kids to a bug museum this weekend and was walking behind this other dad and his kids for a good bit of the time. When we get to the leaf cutter ant exhibit, my three year old loudly says something to the effect, "Look at all those ants!". The dad turns around and says, smugly, "How do you know they aren't uncles?" My kids groan, his kids groan, all in a dad's work, right? Then his daughter, who was probably 8 or 9, pipes up, "Well, Dad, since they're all female, it's safe to say that are, in fact, aunts!"

Her timing was impeccable. She's going places.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
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Dadjoked at supper

My mom, dad, and I were sitting down eating supper when my dad pipes up, "You know how birds fly in a V pattern?"

My mom and I hesitantly say yeah.

He asks another question. "You know how one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why?"

Now I had read something about birds flying in patterns and I wasn't expecting a joke so I guess something about air resistance.

A grin starts to form on his face and he says "Because that side has more birds."

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigguy1027
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2014
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It's 'family field trip' day at a small Wisconsin school...

Some of the kids attending are:

Sally Buckteeth and her family of farmers,
Larry the Lefty and his fam of circus freaks,
And Johnny no-feet and his family of midgets.
They were all excited for their tour of the dairy farm, and the CEO himself stood up to speak: "OK, everyone, a few ground rules: due to the industrial nature of the farm, mandatory steel-toed boots and a minimum height requirement are in effect."
The assistant pipes up- "Sir, one of the kids can't attend the trip!"
CEO- "Oh no, which one?"

The assistant replied, " Little Johnny, the one that lacks toes and taller aunts."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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Punny Dad at his best ...

I go to the sink in the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. Punny Dad comes up behind me and starts lightly hitting the pipe.

Me: No Dad - Dad: 'Tap' water - Me: - I get it Dad!

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmzeyWamzey
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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Brother beat me to it

First off - I'm not a dad, just known for making the dad jokes.

So anyways, my grandpa had a stroke this morning. I went to visit him earlier today. He's 90, a WW2 Vet, cool guy. Becuase of his stroke, his entire left side is immobile as of right now.

When I got home, and told my family how he was doing, my little brother piped up: "So he's all right now?"

I facepalmed right after he said that. I should have seen it coming and said it first.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akashb1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
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I DadJoked my wife in the car...

We were taking the back roads instead of the highway because the schedule wasn't tight and it was a nice day

We had stopped in a little town and got ice cream as a treat. I was getting a little silly doing voices and accents when we passed a dog kennel business. My wife read the sign:

"Jones' Dog Kennels - Boarding and Breeding"...
She said: "Hmmm... Wonder what they breed"

I piped up in my best hillbilly voice: "Well, that depends on what we're boarding this week."

She spit ice cream all over the windshield and dash.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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My uncle had a headache and asked my aunt for a Tylenol

She told him she doesn't have any but she's got Aleve.

I piped up and asked "well where you going?"

In the room full of about fifteen people, I got a big mix of groans and genuine laughs

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonSnuhhh
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2016
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Thanksgiving ham 2 for 1 jokes

My FIL came with me to pick up our honeybaked ham and there was a line of about 50 people. We got up to the very front and he piped "We're here for the vegetarian meal." The poor girl looked so confused as he laughed loudly at his own joke. As we left with our ham past the waiting crowd, he loudly and excitedly exclaimed to me "I can't BELIEVE we got the last ham! "

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IndigoSunset
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
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I read jokes from this sub to get back at him, though.

I'm home for a visit this weekend and in his usual fashion, my dad just randomly pipes up to make a joke. This time around it was a belated Halloween joke.

Dad: "Oh little Johnny, what a good pirate costume. where are your little buccaneers?" Dad, answering his own joke: "Under my buccin' hat."

I just dropped my head and groaned. His job done, the old man left the room with a chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MidtermMassacre
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2016
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At a family dinner for Thanksgiving (Canada), everyone is firing off their best potato puns.

I pipe up with "Please, you guys, stop. If you keep this up, I'm going to die of Tuber-culosis."

The entire table emitted a collective groan at me, and one of my cousins just shook his head at me. No one made a potato pun again that night.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Commander
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2016
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Taco Bell conversations are fun

The wife and I had her mother over whilst eating dinner, a la Taco Bell.

After trying some of our daughter's food, my wife insists that it is way spicier than she expected, and proceeds to tell my mother in law she has to try it - Saying "I think it's spicy nacho sauce."

After a moment or so, I piped up "I wouldn't know, it isn't my sauce." and put on my best I made a pun face.

MIL loses it, and my wife looks confused for a few seconds and goes to offer me a taste before the groaning ensued. Victory!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/V13Axel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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Fathers Day dad joke

In Australia Fathers Day is on the 1st of September. It was a really nice day for Fathers Day where I live, the weather was perfect so this afternoon we were sitting outside in the sun in our backyard which faces a river. A boat went past and we could hear a big dinging noise going on and on, like something metal tied to a cord was flapping around in the wind and banging something else metal.

Dad pipes up, "God, if I was that guy in the boat and had to listen to that every time I took it out I'd go crazy! I'd probably even keel over!"

Happy Fathers day Dad :)

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hodgkinsonable
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2013
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Watching "Stranger Things"....

First episode, cops are walking around yelling "WILL! WILL! WILL"

Father-in-law pipes up: "Won't!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drawsprocket
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2016
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Dad Joked my wife

At my son's soccer practice, I noticed that one kid was kicking the ball with his left foot. (That's hard to learn for right handed/right leg dominant kids). his mom piped up and told me the kid was ambidextrous. I looked at my wife and said "or is he ambifootstrous?"

She groaned, but the other mom laughed. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavidTigerFan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2014
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I Am My Father's Daughter

Today, my husband is cooking dinner and I gloriously get to observe. I see he's reaching into the cupboard and taking out the rice, then pipe up,

"Oh, so we are having really small rice then?"

Cue, bewildered look, shortly followed by an impressive groan.

Yep, it was minute rice! My dad would be so proud!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BloominGroovy
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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I was sitting at lunch with my grandfather, talking about Hillary Clinton

My mom, my grandfather, and I were walking about how powerful the Clinton political structure is, and how she was the Secretary of State for a few years.

Then, my grandfather pipes up and says: "Don't you mean she was the Secretary of Mistake?"

-_-

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MississippianFoxx
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2016
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Dad joked by my in laws

I was at dinner with my family and I spoke up about Chris Squire dying recently and how he was a part of the band Yes.

My sister in law pipes up with: "Ahh, Yes, with their greatest hits: "Mhm" "Yep" "Okay"

With which my brother in law chimes in "There was also Affirmative but that was a little too nerdy for me."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucidWuggeh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2015
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Dad joked about the change to Thor

I was talking with my friend about the changes coming to the Marvel character Thor (him becoming a her). My father then pipes up and says "well if I had a sex change I'd be Thor too."

Mighty groans abound.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ulster_Celt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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At school...

Social studies teacher is telling us about the types of government. She gets to autocracies and absolute monarchies, etc.

"So let's say I'm the king, (or rather the queen), and I say that everyone needs to eat cheeseburgers for breakfast lunch and dinner. And since I'm the queen, and I said so, you have to do it!"

This one guy on the other side of the room pipes up - "So does that mean you're the burger king?"

Urghhh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scratchisthebest
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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After a late hockey game.

In the locker room we were talking about marathon runners, and our goalie says: "Yeah those Kenyan's always win, you'd be fast too if there were lions chasing you." To which I replied: "I've never seen a lion on any marathon course." One of our defensemen, who just fathered twins pipes up: "Yeah, but there are plenty of cougars."

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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Chinese restaurant dad-joke.

So we're sitting in a Chinese restaurant and we ordered spring rolls. When they arrived they were really REALLY big. My dad pipes up and says "Wow, looks like they have winter in them as well."

"That was terrible, dad."

"Oh come on, there was nothing Wong with that."

Two for one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryebobby
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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My dad at a wedding

We were at my cousin's wedding when the time came to cut the cake. My cousin and her new husband made their way over to the cake and tentatively picked up the knife, looking unsure whether to go straight ahead or await further instruction.

My dad took the brief pause as his opportunity and piped up with "what's the matter, never done this before?"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raaaaaaandy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2014
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