It goes in one year and out the other.
So they can pasta parcel!
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
Only if your dances moves are hot
It's called OnlyDans.
I was inundavid
I guess to me he was more of a βMimeβs Manβ.
They cant read the room
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
WHYYYY MCA!!
It was a real shindig
I said, βDonβt worry. There wonβt be a single person in it.β
But I forgot the punchline.
I mean, who's better at breaking the ice than an icebreaker?
They can't stop cheating at charades.
A lady ran by, clearly working out. Dad says, "Hey look, she's dressed as a jogger!"
"How many people can I fit in a hand, though?"
Pulled on my mom.
Unless everyone gets it.
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
Because itβs not Stroganoff.
Evidently not two though
If it had direction, it would be called βVelocityβ.
You get them VERY ANGRY
Itβs an LGBT Queue
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches
Dude 2: βBrochureβ
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
He said, βWow, thatβs the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen.β
Chill-dren
Hebrews it.
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
But they didnβt planet.
People call her Iris.
Atleast that's what she said in her diary.
I guess they drank the t
...right in front of a house where thereβs a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. Thereβs a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.
Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldnβt mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesnβt budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.
A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy heβs ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.
With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, βThank you.β
As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...
βThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.β
He just stands there applauding and saying βOoh, I love how smooth it isβ
Pissed-aschios.
I donβt understand how she can feel that way.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘Just in case there's a salad dressing
I canβt believe Iβve been saying it wrong my whole life
There were repercussions.
Well I don't know but the Dinomite I guess
Bartender says, βThat will be $20.20.β
Scissor me timbers!
If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc
Say βah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?
Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.
The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.
β4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!β
Pumpkin pi
It's because they drank the t
A sketch pad
