I never remember what people tell me at New Year's parties

It goes in one year and out the other.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kellzone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Are you taking people's temperature at your son's party?

Only if your dances moves are hot

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ihatemycat92
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn't believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of starting a new website, exclusively so people can subscribe to Ninja Sex Party cover bands.

It's called OnlyDans.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoShizzity
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I was at a party with 7 people named Dave

I was inundavid

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jtnels0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
People used to describe my father as a real β€œMan’s Man” the type to get all the men talking at the party. However he never really spoke to me,

I guess to me he was more of a β€œMime’s Man”.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTayloceraptor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are dyslexic people bad at parties?

They cant read the room

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I hired Emcee Adam Yauch for my kid’s birthday party but all he did was play the same Village People song over and over again.

WHYYYY MCA!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyphr0st
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
At a wedding party the dj yelled out "All married people please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living".

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I really enjoyed the party where people would hack away at other people's lower legs with a shovel

It was a real shindig

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DJ_Bambusbjorn
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My introverted friend is really worried that he has to attend a party full of married people.

I said, β€œDon’t worry. There won’t be a single person in it.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
There was this joke about people waiting to get a drink at a party,

But I forgot the punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanAsFarAsIKnow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
People who work on those polar icebreaking ships are probably really good conversationalists at parties.

I mean, who's better at breaking the ice than an icebreaker?

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Why is it always frustrating having deaf people over for your house party?

They can't stop cheating at charades.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ponyflash
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Was out at dinner with my dad last night. People were walking by in costume on their way to parties ...

A lady ran by, clearly working out. Dad says, "Hey look, she's dressed as a jogger!"

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bwsullivan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
🚨︎ report
"You can only invite a handful of people to your party."

"How many people can I fit in a hand, though?"

Pulled on my mom.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Someone-Else-Else
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
🚨︎ report
A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know the film β€œSpeed” had no director?

If it had direction, it would be called β€œVelocity”.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Divine_ICBM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is β€œbeefstew” an unsafe password to use?

Because it’s not Stroganoff.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/peytonmi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a term for people like Trump

Evidently not two though

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Meemsouprice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.

I've just handed in my too weak notice.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hobo4lifee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What do snowmen call their offspring?

Chill-dren

πŸ‘︎ 190
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puranjay1432
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Dude 1: β€œHey bro?” Dude 2: β€œYeah bro?” Dude 1: β€œCan you hand me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: β€œBrochure”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reditrewrite
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How does Jesus make his Coffee?

Hebrews it.

πŸ‘︎ 581
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Does this pun believe here ?
πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Keyckes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandma is 80% Irish.

People call her Iris.

πŸ‘︎ 374
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

πŸ‘︎ 570
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

Atleast that's what she said in her diary.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/__teju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
After a heated argument, my kid shouted β€œJim Morrison was overrated”

Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catmom81519
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 992
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
British people be like I'm bri ish

It's because they drank the t

πŸ‘︎ 151
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I don’t understand how she can feel that way.

πŸ‘︎ 138
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rafwaf123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the angriest nut?

Pissed-aschios.

πŸ‘︎ 149
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Heywood_Jablwme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

πŸ‘︎ 475
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I normally knock on the fridge door before I open it...

Just in case there's a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 207
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/laserspewpew_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was told that my dad was pronounced dead

I can’t believe I’ve been saying it wrong my whole life

πŸ‘︎ 196
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?

There were repercussions.

πŸ‘︎ 191
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayingMantis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say β€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

β€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MuskIsAlien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the lesbian pirate say during sex?

Scissor me timbers!

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/huntingclue47
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and 2 huricanes...

Bartender says, β€œThat will be $20.20.”

πŸ‘︎ 300
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Do any of you have experience making Moroccan Rolls?

I found a recipe in a magazine but I wasn't sure about it because the recipe calls for thyme and a bunch of other spices. I had them all, but unfortunately they were all expired. I decided to make them anyways, took them to a party, and they ended up all being eaten, everyone thought they were delicious. I guess what they say is true.

People love that old thyme Moroccan roll.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/revolut1onname
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?

Well I don't know but the Dinomite I guess

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/depressedavacado
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I considered converting my wardrobe to house my board game collection, but was worried about losing clothing space.

It was trivial per suit.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PythagorasJones
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
British people be like: I'm bri ish

I guess they drank the t

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NGBNM
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call paper you can’t trust?

A sketch pad

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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