It’s just a rip off
But it turns out he was barking up the wrong tree
Last skin
I said, “Yes, I yam”
I'm an art major and my Dad looks at me and says
"Hey, what was vincents favorite fruit?"
I said "
what Dad?"
"Mango."
Fuck you.
My wife sits on my lap, looks at my face for a few seconds, then picks at my forehead and tells me I'm peeling.
wife: You're peeling.
me: a?
w: what? your forehead is peeling.
m: a?
w: 'a' what?
m: a?
w: huh?
m: just one spot?
w: well just one spot, but several flakes
m: so just one spot?
w: yeah
m: so, a?
w: ...
m: a?
w: what are you trying to tell me?
m: you find me appealing?
Wife gets up
Holds up the shavings to us and in his thick New York accent says "disapealing to you?"
..and none of the newer peelers are working for him, so he grabs the peeler he's had for years.
Dad: None of these peelers work as well as this one. There's a reason I buy and keep things like these.
Me: So you would say that one is most appealing to you?
I recently broke my hand, and I was peeling an orange with a thumb-peeler on the broken hand. My mom asked, "Doesn't that hurt?" Then my dad chimed in with, "That depends. Are you talking to him or the orange?"
Mother was not pleased.
They’re not very a-peeling.
He went to slip
Toucan
When the light drops the first banana split, the other peeled out.
Because he thought he was very apPEELing
He was going to be all ripe.
Because I find them very a-peeling.
Because they have a Peel for Everyone!
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
It wasn't peeling to well.
He was peeling really bad! Hahaha!!
Because it wasn’t peeling well
When its not peeling well... (cringe moment)
Because you know your costume has a-peel!
It’s quite a peeling
Slippers!
I was peeling the beets
Read it and weep!
He didn’t peel too well
Because they're all bent
She got a banana Nana boo boo.
I grabbed banana and started to peel in front of the cake. How about now?
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡"Don't do that, you'll hurt his peelings!"
He wasn't PEELING very well
He wasn’t peeling well....
They’re so a-peeling!
