514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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I'm layered, like an onion -

Once you start peeling off layers you realize they're all the same and it makes you cry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits...

I got off on a peel!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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Served my family Chinese food yesterday...

They got annoyed when I served everything stuck to a pan.

I told them its rice peel off...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fordhoard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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I finally got one of my own - feels good, man.

My two-year-old son was trying desperately to reach something on the countertop and becoming quite distressed.

It turns out that he just really, really wanted the potato peeler.

"Well, here you go, son," I said, as I handed it to him, "but I don't see what the big draw is - I mean, it's not even a'peelin'."


I'm dying over here, and he's just wandered off to try to peel the rug.

πŸ‘︎ 426
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πŸ‘€︎ u/subdudeman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2013
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My dad and I bought a pomelo.

So my dad and I are trying a pomelo for the first time. He's cutting the peel off and it's quite thick. I ask:

"What's that kind of, fluffy white stuff on the inside of the peel called."

"It's called the pith." He responds

"Oh ok."

"Oh pith off!"

We stare at each other and just burst out laughing.

Good times.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Canadian_Ace
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
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Waiting for my brother in the parking lot...

my dad and I watched a girl in a banana costume run by the car and out off the lot. My dad quickly says, "I guess she had to peel."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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My dad's favorite spooky Halloween joke

My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it.

Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story.

My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs.

At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no someone. It looked like it was the murderer! A crazed man with an axe!

We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop.

Tom was stuck! I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back! He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg!

Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheG-What
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
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Not a dad, but I think I'm on my way to being a good one.

From a convo between me and my gf on Gchat:

Me: did you bring a lunch with you?

gf: I brought a secret lunch. Today it is crackers and a clementine

Me: spy apples?

gf: HA. I take off the wrappers and peel at home and snack stealthily.

Me: so you have a sneack?

gf: precisely

Me: or a clandestintine?

gf: WOW

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJs_Sandshrew
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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Dad Joked at Breakfast

I was eating breakfast with my dad (one of them), peeling a hardboiled egg. The shell was sticking and I was getting quite frustrated. Me: This thing is pissing me off! Dad: Is it egging you on? Me: <slow claps>

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twodads69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
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