Border patrol ordered 100 DeLoreans

They hope they can stop illegal migrants in time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CustomAtomicDress
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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I took the kids to see Paw Patrol live

Mama troll was nowhere in sight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/handr0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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What do pirates say to warn when the California Highway Patrol is approaching?

Chips Ahoy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Therapy_Gecko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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I told my kid we were gonna watch Paw Patrol, but instead I just showed him footage of K9 units training.

Guess that makes me a papa troll.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BubbaOtis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Who is Meghan Trainor’s favorite Paw Patrol Pup?

She is all about that Chase, bout that Chase, no Rubble

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwssoccer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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And she calls it "This Land"

Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.

Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.

Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.

Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...

Take my glove

Take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

I don't care

I'm still three

You can't take this Skye from me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cman_yall
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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Literal pun patrol
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ellaAir
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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This post, officer.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnsteadyKoala
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My wife and 2yo were just watching Paw Patrol. There is a cow mooing into a cell phone to video chat with the team to ask for help for a cat stuck on the roof.

I told my wife "That cat would have way more grip on roof shingles and I expect more I realism from talking cartoon cows. This is "UDDERLY" ridiculous."

She may have buried her head and avoided eye contact for a bit. I was proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trich101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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OFFICERS OF THE PUN PATROL GET EM

.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Liam-Dezz
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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2 fish are in a tank

One says to the other. How do we drive this thing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darthchimchar64
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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What do you call a California Highway Patrol Officer with a can of Skoal?

CHIPS and dip πŸ™Œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiveNatty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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Patrolling the borders with a keen eye and a whole lot of prejudice [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CluKInCok
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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Nickolodean are doing an underwater version of paw patrol starting crabs

It's called Claw Patrol.

I managed to get a groan and an eye roll from the wife for that one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xoke
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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A Saudi Arabian captain was warming up his ships engines before heading out on patrol, when the religion police came and arrested him and his crew...

They were charged with "Idle Warship".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cry2Laugh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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[Meta] can we make it a rule that any comment from pun patrol will result in an insta ban from this subreddit?

It is incredibly lame to see the same comment in each and every thread. Like I don’t understand what fun do they get.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tahmid5
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Paw Patrol sounds too much like papa troll for it not to be a dad joke
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PLUMBUM2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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The Pun Patrol thought he had me, but he didn’t get any β€œdirt” on us! imgur.com/a/E4HsWSN
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rbshag
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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A good romance starts with a good friendship. A bad romance on the other hand starts with...

Ra ra ah ah ah, ro ma ro ma ma, ga ga ooh la la, want yo bad romance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jack_Forrest
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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If Ozzy Osborne was on border patrol…

Would he be lookin’ for a Mexican man?

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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My girlfriend has been getting really involved in her job as a border patrol officer lately

It has really put a toll in our relationship

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeanj8021
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Genomademe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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Today I saw six equestrian cops on patrol.

It was a real show of horse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_snipeypants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, β€œFine. Suit yourself.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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The trifecta
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobstersmoothies
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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nothing tops a plain hotdog
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πŸ‘€︎ u/__ch4nc3__
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Being sad
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaLithium2476
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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When I was young I joined the Civil Air Patrol CAP for short

My grandfather called it the Called it the Civil Regional Air Patrol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zac_is_awesome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
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Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?

He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wtj182
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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My kids love the show paw patrol

Anytime the song comes on, I ask them were all the trolls are. I never see any trolls, which is strange considering the show is about their papa.

They are only 3, 5, and 7, but that joke is always good to make them laugh. "No daddy, you don't understand...."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Suuperdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
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A police officer while out on patrol

A police officer, while out on patrol, pulls a brand new sports car over for speeding. He walks up to the car and sees a large, dirty pig in the passenger seat. The cop says to the guy driving "Why do you have a huge, filthy pig in this brand new car?" The guy says to the officer, "I don't know what to do. My father just closed his farm and sold the land, and gave me his prized pig. His farm was the last in the county, and I live in a small house. I have no idea what to do with this pig!" The officer then says to the guy, "Well, take him to the zoo!" The guys eyes brighten and thanks the officer for the brilliant idea. The officer lets the guy go, and off they drive to the zoo. A week later the same police officer is on patrol when he sees the same new sports car. He pulls the car over and walks up to it only to see the same pig in the passenger seat. "What are you doing?" says the officer, "I thought I told you to take that pig to the zoo!" "I did," says the guy, "and he had so much fun, I am taking him to the movies."

That was one of the two jokes my dad told me all the time when I was a kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyesick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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My dad just got me good

Dad: you ever hear of the book The Yellow River?

Me: no

Dad: Do you know the author?

Me: how would I know the author if I haven't even heard of the book.

Dad: well it was written by I.P. Daily

Me: never heard of him

Dad: I.P. Daily?

Me: no- oh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaptanKrops
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
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I td my son he would get arrested playing barefooted outside. He asked why

I told him there were cops who were on foot patrol outside...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fromhell187
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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What do you call a programme where you watch some very skilled dogs sleeping?

Snore patrol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
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Attention Punners

I am a representative from the r/PunPatrol and we have been seeing some of our officers have been arrested individuals on this server where in a peace treaty we have allowed Puns in this subreddit. We apologise for these rogue officers and have reported them to r/PunInternalAffairs . Thanks for understanding.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWESOMEDUDE0614
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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A very punny joke inside

Ok now that all the r/PunPatrol people are gone I am willing to be a spy for your organization. I have currently achieved the rank of supreme admiral punsniffer and have solid evidence on r/PunPatrol's next targets.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucker1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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To all the folks here from r/punpatrol...

This sub is off-limits to you according to your own sub.

So the joke's on you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ponderingfox
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
*knock knock* "Who's there?"

"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"

"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"

"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"

"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"

"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"

"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"

"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"

crashing noises

"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"

"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

silence

"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."

EDIT: formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/D0tBlue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Who do you call if you see a dog brawl?

The paw patrol

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
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Dadjoked myself

I was driving along by myself and saw a sign that said"Extra seat belt patrols on now", and my first thought was "Oh no! I'm not wearing my extra seat belt!" I got a good laugh out of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scipio33
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
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I was snowboarding with my dad (who was skiing) and he pulled this.

Setup:

  I didn't have enough speed to get past a flat area that we reached, and we were on our last run of the day. I had to unbuckle one of my boots and pushed myself to the slope. My dad was worried that we were running late and they would send ski patrol to guide us down. (We got on the lift last minute)

  The joke:

  dad: "what are you doing?"

  me: "I was getting close to the wooded area (there was a fork) and I didn't want to run into a tree"

  dad: "well hurry up and let's skedaddle ski-daddle"

  I didn't get the joke until I was going back downhill, so he didn't hear how hard I groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erynfi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2017
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My grandpa got me...

We were in London at Buckingham Palace waiting for the changing of guard. There were two guards patrolling, and I was pointing out something about the one on the right. He said "I don't see any deoderant." I was confused until he said "you said to look at the right guard."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IJTreasure
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2015
🚨︎ report

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