The problem with parasites is that they never shut up.

I can’t stand all the Tick Talk.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/vehiclesales
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Why did the parasite infect the person who had many health problems?

A HOST of reasons.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/alexd281
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?

A lunatick!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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I didn't think I'd like being the host of a parasite...

But it's really grown on me.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ‘€︎ u/plonkerboy900
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood...

He has a nervous tick.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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What do parasite's get after speeding

a tick-et

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/Waterburst789
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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At first I disliked parasites

But later on they grew on me

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gustavesmuse
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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A Parasite yelp review

Atmosphere was terrible and the HOST was so rude

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/GDGameplayer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
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What do you call parasites who suck chemicals?


πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eisenhower_is_dad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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I recently found out that dinosaurs had parasites that exploded when they die

They were called dino mites.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/wotmate
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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What is a dating site for parasites?


πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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I just found a talk show for insects and parasites.

Its called "Tick Talk."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/tutandgroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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One sock was whining about the parasites found in its owner's foot.

"So why don't you find another owner?"

"I dunno.... I must have Sockholm syndrome."

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/modstms
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2017
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Initially, I was upset by my alien parasite

But then it grew on me.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/Socrathustra
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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The word "politics" is derived from the word 'poly', meaning "many", and the word 'ticks', meaning "blood sucking parasites". (Larry Hardiman)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kosmozoan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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BREAKING NEWS: Dendrologists have discovered a new type of parasitic tree whose roots will eat and attack other trees.

They have been initially described as coniferous

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sanjiroku
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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My friend wanted me to choose which parasitic insect egg he would eat...

But I hate to nit pick.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Politics is the most accurate word in the English language

Poly = many. Ticks = blood sucking parasites.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tao1976
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.

Pun in, ten dead.

πŸ‘︎ 455
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Wisconsin dad joke

I can't believe these people. Just completely tasteless. I am outraged and these anti-volone parasites should be ashamed. I have been and always will be provolone.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/bdon_58k
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2017
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Pad your repertoire with these
  1. ARBITRAITOR A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's
  2. BERNADETTE The act of torching a mortgage.
  3. BURGLARIZE What a crook sees through
  4. AVOIDABLE What a bullfighter tries to do
  5. EYEDROPPER Clumsy ophthalmologist
  6. CONTROL A short, ugly inmate.
  7. COUNTERFEITER Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
  8. ECLIPSE What an English barber does for a living.
  9. LEFT BANK What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
  10. HEROES What a man in a boat does
  11. PARASITES What you see from the Eiffel Tower
  12. PARADOX Two physicians
  13. PHARMACIST A helper on a farm
  14. POLARIZE What penguins see through
  15. PRIMATE Remove your spouse from in front of TV
  16. RELIEF What trees do in the spring
  17. RUBERNECK What you do to relax your wife
  18. SELFISH What the owner of a seafood store does
  19. SUDAFED Brought litigation against a government official
  20. PARADIGMS 20 cents
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ‘€︎ u/David_Crockett
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many'...

and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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My dad just e-mailed me a list of definitions:
  1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds

  2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tries to do

  3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage

  4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with

  5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate

  6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

  7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living

  8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist

  9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does

  10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money

  11. MISTY: How golfers create divots

  12. PARADOX: Two physicians

  13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower

  14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm

  15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with

  16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV

  17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring

  18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife

  19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does

  20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ‘€︎ u/SnideRemarkDept
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
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