An ounce of quack please.
πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/D0NW0N
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?

Prime Rib!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was born, I only weighed 33.8 ounces...

Doctor said I was a natural born liter

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vintagepatriot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do vegans call a 28 ounce juicy steak?

A big mistake!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dullbrowny
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you communicate with 1/28 of an ounce?

Telegram

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewGlinski
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I put a can of beer on this machine and a robotic voice said, β€œ12 ounces”.

I thought, β€œWow! This speaks volumes.”

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Hey baby, are you 32 ounces?

Cause you are 1 qt ;)

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nine_legged_stool
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know that you can't order fountain drinks larger than 8 ounces in St. Paul?

It's mini soda law.

Bonus joke: where are the trees in Minnesota?

Between da twos and da fours.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/evanthesquirrel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
How did mary and Joseph know that jesus weighed 7 pounds and six ounces

They had a weigh in a manger

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Grocery stores often show the price per ounce to make it easy to compare prices

If you look at the label for pierogies, they instead show the price per ogie.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_al_yankee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Policeman: What's your name? Me: The Wizard of Oz. Policeman: What's your full name?

Me (quietly): The Wizard of Ounces.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/amar610
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Whats the difference between you and eggs?

eggs get laid and you dont.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mathi_turtle_cum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make trash soup?

It's easy!

Dump, stir.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/magicoddeffect
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an American parralelogram ?

A parralelo-ounce

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do they call them wontons?

I mean, they only weigh like an ounce.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I keep trying to make pound cake, but it never comes out right.

It's always off by a few ounces.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manuel_f_p
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Telepound
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SharpTechno
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
A pound of bricks weighs more than a pound of feathers

In America you can buy a square foot of bricks for around $8.50. There are 7 bricks in a square foot, meaning you are buying each brick for about a $1.21. Today one dollar is 0.75 pounds, so $1.21 is about 0.92 pounds, meaning for a full pound you can buy 1.087 bricks for about a pound. Each brick weighs 5 pounds, which means 1.087 bricks weighs 5.435 pounds. Now on the other hand you many buy 48 feathers for one dollar in America , considering that one dollar is 0.75 ponds, you could buy 64 feathers. with one pound. Each feather weighs around 0.0003 ounces, which multiplied by 64 is 0.0192 ounces , which is 0.0012 pounds. 5.435> 0.0012. There you have it a pound of bricks weighs more than a pound if feathers .

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Depressed_Citrus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you have 16 copies of The Wizard of Oz?

The Wizard of Lb

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sonnet155
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Jeff has had only one dream ever in his life, to become a train conductor.

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!

After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.

The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.

Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.

BZZZZZZ

Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.

BZZZZZZ

Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.

Guard : "Excuse me um, J

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Saspa314
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who runs around a laboratory resetting scales in the middle of an experiment?

A tare-orist.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/etrmedia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"

πŸ‘︎ 240
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pipore22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
🚨︎ report
What is the most painful unit of measurement?

Ow!nces (ounces)

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeerAndJameson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
🚨︎ report
Pulled this one on the wife

Me: Did you know a quarter pound is sometimes called a german rave?

Wife: What? Really?

Me: Yea! Ounce, ounce, ounce, ounce

Usage: I would like a german rave with cheese, no pickles

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mysteryweapon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2014
🚨︎ report
Ill never get back to my orginal weight.....

Girlfriends uncle was talking about a gym membership and goes yea I don't think I'll get one. Because I'll never get back to my original weight of 6 pounds 2 ounces.

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2015
🚨︎ report
First ever beer with my Dad and he hits me with a knee-slapper

Me: "Wow, you can tell this isn't a Lite beer."

Dad picks up the beer and puts it back down

Dad: "Well yeah, it's 16 ounces!"

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elderly_Man
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad is in tune with the world

I just got a package containing 25 ounces of silver in differently sized bullion coins. I was checking them out when my cat jumped up on the table, smelled the coin I was holding and then bit it for some reason.

I said "Whoa! he just bit it," as the cat ran away (probably not fun biting solid metal).

My dad glanced over and said, "So it's a Bitcoin?"

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vertical453
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
🚨︎ report
Just Dad-joked my coworker, many groans were had.

To preface, we work at a coffee shop. A somewhat picky customer comes up and orders a 16 ounce chai tea latte, with soy milk. My coworker tells me all of this, and that the customer would like the drink at exactly 140Β°F. I make the drink, and call it out to be picked up: "16 ounce soy milk chai!"

My coworker comes over and says, "Hopefully she likes it, I've had to remake her drink a couple times before." I replied with:

"Well I certainly chai-ed soy hard when I made it."

Eye rolling and groans all around while I grinned ear to ear.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Codidly5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked at the grocery store

One of my first jobs was at our local grocery store, where I was a cashier. Our store had those misting hoses that periodically would shower the produce items with water, so sometimes things were still wet when customers were checking out. My parents were shopping and of course came to my line to check out. I picked up a bag of vegetables, which happened to be leeks. One of the leeks must have been laying in the produce section perfectly upright because it had about 6 ounces of water in it and when I layed the bag down to type in the code, it all poured out of the bag all over the register. My dad proceeded to scream "we've got a leek!" loud enough that everyone around could hear. Other employees thought we had an actual problem and came rushing to my aid... Not one laugh could be heard..

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonstradamus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad at Restaurants

Waitress: Would you like a 16 or 24 ounce?

Dad: Whichever one's bigger.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
🚨︎ report
My Dad's Bird Jokes

Number 1 Dad: You ever seen a oooo-ahh bird? Me: No Dad: Its a little 2 ounce bird that lays a 2 pound egg and says oooo-ah.

Number 2 Dad: You ever seen a milermore bird? Me: I don't think so Dad: Its a bird that likes to stick his head up his ass and whistle.. You can hear the damn thing echo a mile or more.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/getut
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
🚨︎ report
Policeman: What is your name?

Me: The Wizard of Oz

Policeman: Your FULL name...

Me: (quietly) the Wizard of ounces

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.